Kids Raised By Truly Narcissistic Parents Often Carry 13 Habits Into Adulthood
alinabuphoto | Shutterstock If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, that legacy doesn't just disappear when you turn 18. You'll never forget how they ruined your graduation because they needed to be the center of attention, or how they broke your trust by sharing something personal.
A key step in moving on from the drama and negativity that seemed to shroud your childhood is to recognize any connections between your upbringing and present-day unwanted behaviors. The following shows possible connections between unhealthy patterns in your adult life and narcissistic parental behaviors in your childhood.
Habits kids raised by a narcissistic parent take with them as they grow up:
1. They struggle to make decisions
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Possible connection: Your parents criticized or second-guessed your choices.
Psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, explained, "The constant scrutiny and high standards imposed by narcissistic parents can lead to internalized self-criticism, where individuals harshly judge themselves, perpetuating a cycle of negative self-talk and perfectionism. Due to the pervasive criticism and blame-shifting, children may develop a constant sense of self-doubt, always second-guessing their actions and feeling responsible for any perceived wrongdoing."
2. They get uncomfortable when good things happen
Possible connection: Your parents ruined good times with selfish behavior or gave gifts with strings attached.
3. They worry or ruminate over confrontations with others
Possible connection: Your parents forbade you to disagree with them or punished you for doing so.
4. They often please others at their own expense
Possible connection: Your parents used guilt or pressure to make you put their needs first.
Dr. Don Gasparini, Ph.D., M.A., CASAC noted, "Daughters of narcissistic parents, including narcissistic mothers, often engage in people-pleasing behavior to gain approval and avoid conflict. This people-pleasing behavior can become ingrained as a coping mechanism, causing them to constantly prioritize the needs and wants of others over their own, leading to a sense of self-neglect and an inability to assert their own boundaries and desires."
5. They feel unable to get close to others even when they want to
Possible connection: Your parents had a come-here-go-away parenting style that was confusing and unsafe.
6. They find it difficult to relax, laugh, or be spontaneous
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Possible connection: Your parents behaved unpredictably or over-scrutinized you.
7. Theyfeel inexplicably drawn to turmoil rather than harmony in your relationships
Possible connection: Your parents created drama, scapegoated you, and disrupted harmony in your family.
Seeking out chaos as an adult is sometimes a PTSD response to the trauma you experienced in childhood. There is a sense of safety in what you know, and if all you know is instability, it becomes comforting.
8. They expect too much of themselves
Possible connection: Your parents never seemed satisfied with you.
9. They view others as fragile or view themselves as too much for others to handle
Possible connection: Your parents played the martyr or became unhinged by your questions or independence.
10. They trust others unwisely or conversely find it hard to trust, even when they want to
Possible connection: Your parents told you that you could trust them, then disappointed or used you.
11. They feel numb or have difficulty knowing what they are feeling
Possible connection: Your parents minimized or ridiculed your feelings and desires.
Psychologist Mark Travers, Ph.D., explained, "Emotional numbness is characterized by emotional blunting or flat affect. You might describe your experience as not feeling anything, good or bad. That absence might feel like a hard-won 'immunity' from emotional hurt, but it’s really a defense mechanism."
12. They feel extra-sensitive around bossy, entitled, or manipulative people
Possible connection: Your parents needed to be the center of attention or dominate most conversations.
13. They self-soothe through excessive food, drink, shopping, or other addictive behaviors
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Possible connection: Your parents’ behavior left you feeling trapped, unloved, hopeless, or helpless.
Human behavior is complex, and it would be a simplification to say that if your parent did X, you will automatically do Y. But narcissistic parenting is a powerful influence on children, and it is important to take stock of your past. As a child, acknowledging the truth about your narcissistic parent when you had little power or resources to do anything about it could have been devastating. As a result, you may have learned to ignore the dysfunction, acted as if it was normal, blamed yourself for it, or counted the days until you could leave home.
Such coping strategies may have helped you emotionally survive a difficult childhood — and it is important to honor whatever helped you survive in childhood — but those coping strategies may manifest later in life in self-defeating ways like some of the 13 patterns listed above. As an adult, making connections such as these may bring up emotions such as anger, sadness, or dismay. But if you had a difficult upbringing, it does not mean you are irreparably damaged or that your life will always be difficult. None of the 13 patterns are life sentences. Everybody has challenges in life; some of the above tendencies may be your challenges.
In addition, you may have received good things from your upbringing, no matter how dysfunctional your parenting. Even the most narcissistic of parents can contribute positive qualities and gifts to their children. The adversities of your childhood may have increased your resilience, empathy, awareness, and growth. You are not a victim, nor are you powerless. The opportunity to recognize unhealthy legacies is to break the connections. Each time you notice yourself falling into one of the patterns listed above, remind yourself: "This may have been my history, but it doesn’t have to be my destiny." Then ask yourself empowering questions such as: "What is the best way to take care of me and meet my needs in this situation? Is this how I want to treat myself or others? Who do I want to be in the world right now?"
Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., has more than 25 years of experience in private practice as a licensed marriage and family therapist. He is the author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness.
