The Magic Formula For Getting Kids To Follow Rules The First Time Around
Prevent conflict and build kids’ sense of responsibility and respect.
Milan Radulovic's Images | Canva When it comes to your kids making excuses, you’ve probably heard them all. "Aww, Mom! Do I have to?” Or the all-time favorite, You can’t make me!” But maybe your kids’ routines are more along the lines of pouting, arguing, and ignoring you and the rules you set.
There are few things more frustrating than dealing with resistance, power struggles, or outright refusals, especially when it comes to kids breaking the rules. On a bad day, even the most reasonable requests can trigger an uncooperative, passive-aggressive, or even hostile response from your kids. So, how do you subvert this combative pattern? Start fresh and follow a tried-and-tested formula.
The magic formula for getting kids to listen the first time around:
1. Practice positive ways of saying 'no'
Find positive ways to say no without yelling, showing annoyance, or making them wrong or "bad" for making the request. This might include:
- Stating a fact: “We’re not buying candy this time" (for a little kid) or "You cannot stay out past curfew on a Thursday night" (for an older kid).
- Acknowledging their desires: “I know you wish you could go to the concert, but…”
- Or deferring to another option: “...ou can choose a movie, instead, and I'll pay for it.”
Don't forget to take your emotional needs out of the equation. Telling them how sad, angry, or frustrated you feel when they don’t listen or break the rules puts an enormous burden on children of any age. This can become enmeshment, which Dr. Margaret Rutherford explains can be very damaging to a child and the parent-child relationship.
You want them to do what you want for outcomes that have nothing to do with your emotional well-being or conditional love and approval. Instead, explain why the rule is in place and the consequence if the rule or boundary is broken.
2. Learn how to address bad behavior when they blow it
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The good news is that there are tools that will help you avoid having to bug your kids and build cooperation and respect.
Even if you have communicated your boundaries and (hopefully) gotten an agreement beforehand, there will still be times when your kids “forget” or get sloppy about holding up their end of an ongoing bargain or even consciously break a rule. In cases like this, you need to be prepared with an appropriate course of action.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics publication HealthyChildren, "The AAP recommends positive discipline strategies that effectively teach children to manage their behavior and keep them from harm while promoting healthy development."
A few healthy strategies to try:
Withdraw the privilege. This is the tough part, but if you have any hope of gaining your kids’ respect for your wishes and requirements — and want to build their sense of independence and responsibility — you’ve got to be willing to follow through on whatever conditions you set up.
Let your child deal with the consequences. Laundry didn’t make it to the hamper? Leave it on the floor and don't wash it. (This became a great opportunity for one mom to teach her daughter how to wash her own clothes.) Is homework not done? Unplug or remove devices until the situation changes.
Stay neutral. So your kids messed up, and every bone in your body is probably going to want to criticize, blame, or gloat over the fact that they’ve lost a privilege.
This is the cool thing about following through on a previously established boundary: You don’t have to hurt them or make them wrong. In fact, keep words to a minimum and merely follow through with the consequences you've already outlined.
Validate their disappointment — even their anger. Anticipate a not-very-happy response, especially if you’ve been pretty wishy-washy about follow-through in the past. Again, resist the temptation to say, “I told you so,” or blame them for bringing this on themselves.
Keep the door open for them to change things more to their liking. Try saying things like, “I know you’re angry. We’ll try again tomorrow (or next week),” or “I want to hear what you have to say. Let’s take a few minutes and try again without the yelling.”
Withdraw the privilege and let your child deal with the consequences. Validate their anger and disappointment, commiserate, and then connect again once tempers have settled.
3. Foster a deeper connection with your kid
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Few of us have had great models for healthy and effective authority relationships, yet there is a middle ground between heavy-handed authoritarian parenting and permissiveness. This "magic middle" is called authoritative parenting and is based on earning a child's respect rather than demanding it. Some ways to approach this are:
Start thinking win-win. How can we all get what we want? Model the behaviors, language, tone of voice, and self-control you want them to develop — and use!
Give them reasons to want to do what you want. Kids tend to be less argumentative, resistant, obstinate when they feel like you’re on their side. (If your relationship has been fairly antagonistic for a while, or if they tend to bristle at anything you say, this could take some time.)
Step back and look at the bigger picture. Remember to focus on the quality of the relationship with your children. Because a caring, cooperative connection will last a lot longer than an argument about unfinished chores or unreturned texts.
Stay connected: Keep the lines of conversation open and allow your child to state a respectful opinion about your rules. Help them to establish their own values system and build their own moral compass, one they can carry with them, even when you're not watching and no parental consequences will exist.
This happens through conversation and connection, so keep those lines of communication open and judgement-free.
Dr. Jane Bluestein is an author, artist, and lifelong educator who works with parents, counselors, and educators worldwide. She is the author of the award-winning books, Parents, Teens, and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line and The Parent’s Little Book of Lists: Do’s and Don’ts of Effective Parenting.
