Fathers Who Raise Daughters Who Know Their Worth Avoid Making These 7 Mistakes
The effect a father has on his daughter cannot be overstated.
Zoran Zeremski | Shutterstock Fathers have a huge impact on how their daughters see themselves and the world they live in. According to All For Kids, “Research shows a positive father-daughter relationship boosts a daughter’s mental health.” Fathers are the first men little girls know, and they set the example for how their daughters should be treated.
Some dads raise their daughters so they feel like an afterthought, and some raise their daughters so they know their worth very clearly. Instagram influencer @momslife.ca shared some mistakes fathers often make in a post based on her own experience as a mother and a daughter of an absent father. Avoiding them could mean the difference between raising a woman who is secure and confident and one who questions her worth.
1. Disrespecting her mother
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Not all relationships are built to last. That’s just a fact of life. So, naturally, not every set of parents will stay together and raise their children as one singular family unit. That’s okay, but that does not give a man the right to speak about his ex in a disrespectful way, especially in front of his children.
According to Canada’s Family Mediation Group, “Children love and care about both of their parents. When one parent belittles or speaks negatively about the other, it can create confusion, guilt, and emotional distress. They may feel torn between loyalty to each parent, leading to increased anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues.”
The first example a daughter will see of a relationship between opposite genders is that of her parents. If that relationship is toxic, there’s a chance she’ll grow up thinking that that is the norm for romantic relationships, and be willing to accept it in her own life. This can be detrimental for women.
2. Criticizing women’s bodies
If a dad spends all of his time making negative comments in which he nitpicks other women and their appearance, his daughter is bound to internalize that. It teaches her that worth is found in appearance, and women simply do not measure up. Society has already placed impossible expectations on women. Fathers perpetuating those expectations in front of their daughters doesn’t do any good for anyone.
This all goes back to the concept of the male gaze, VeryWell Mind writer Sarah Vanbuskirk said. “The term ‘male gaze’ was first popularized in relation to the depiction of female characters in film as inactive, often overtly sexualized objects of male desire,” she defined. This, of course, affects women’s sense of empowerment and self-esteem while also affecting how they view their gender as a whole.
A man may think that it’s fine to view women through this “male gaze,” even if he is a father of girls. After all, that’s just the way things have always been done. However, doing so sends a very specific message to his daughters about what makes a woman truly important and worthwhile. Good fathers won’t comment on random women’s bodies at all.
3. Dismissing her feelings
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Women are stereotyped by society as feeling emotions that are too much and too big. When dads go along with this concept, they’re showing their daughters that the way they feel doesn’t matter. As the Instagrammer said, “Calling her ‘too sensitive’ or telling her to ‘toughen up’ silences her emotions — and that silence follows her for years.”
As it turns out, trying to quiet these feelings actually does no good and just makes them even more prevalent in one’s mind and heart. “When we fight with, criticize, shame, dismiss, or in any other way reject feelings, our own or someone else’s, those feelings we want to get rid of actually grow stronger,” Nancy Collier, LCSW, Rev., said.
By shutting down their daughters’ emotions and telling them not to feel them, fathers are only making those emotions stronger for their daughters. Instead, good dads will teach their daughters how to properly feel and handle their emotions. Acknowledging their feelings and the importance they hold is the way to show them their worth.
4. Objectifying other women
“Jokes, stares or comments show her that women are valued more for their looks than for their hearts or minds,” the post said. Just like criticizing a woman’s body signifies that a father cares more about appearance than who a woman really is, objectifying women demonstrates that a man is only concerned with what can be seen with the eyes.
There is so much more to women than just what you can see on the outside, though. Although the male gaze means they have typically been relegated to being visual objects, women have beautiful minds and hearts that deserve to be acknowledged. Daughters pick up on every comment and look their fathers make that shows them they think women are worth nothing, and they internalize that.
Vanbuskirk added, “Despite the fact that women make up over 50% of the population, the male gaze relegates women and girls to the position of other — and really, to that of a thing to ogle, have, consume or discard.” That’s no way to teach your children to have a strong sense of self-worth.
5. Losing control of their anger
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The history of violence perpetrated by men against women is perhaps as old as that of civilization itself. While having a bad temper doesn’t necessarily equate to being abusive, it can certainly be an indicator that something more sinister is lurking beneath the surface. Women are taught to be careful around men and not make them mad because it could end badly.
If a man is letting his anger show in front of his daughters, he’s teaching them that toxic dynamics in relationships are okay — it’s fine for women to be forced to tiptoe around men so as not to set them off. The World Health Organization estimated that 30% of women are victims of intimate partner violence. By losing control of their anger, dads are setting a dangerous precedent for their daughters.
Instead of showing them a good example of how a man should treat women, they are displaying how men should not act. They are not setting up their daughters to know that men should respect them, and they should feel a sense of self-worth. Instead, they’re showing them everything that can go wrong.
6. Lying or breaking promises
One of the easiest ways to let someone know they don’t matter to you is to tell a lie or go back on a promise. Fathers are supposed to teach their daughters how to trust men and have healthy relationships with them. Unfortunately, many do the exact opposite.
Reporting for Everyday Health, Hilary I. Lebow stated that men are actually more likely to lie than women are. She also noted that some lies obviously carry more weight than others. For example, telling someone a new dress looks nice when it really doesn’t is a bit different than covering up infidelity.
If dads spend their time lying and breaking their promises, they’re showing their daughters that that’s all they can expect from men. There’s really no point to having positive self-worth if you expect everyone to lie to you because it’s bound to be destroyed every time someone tells a half-truth or breaks a promise. Girls will never know their worth this way.
7. Shutting down emotionally
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There’s a damaging gender stereotype that suggests women are overly emotional and men basically feel nothing. By shutting down emotionally, fathers are showing their daughters that this misconception can actually be true. If a girl sees her dad shut down emotionally, then that’s all she will come to accept from men in general.
Avrum Weiss, PhD, pointed out that men sometimes feel the need to shut down emotionally when women, especially their partners, are feeling big emotions. And, they may not feel comfortable feeling such big emotions when other men just don’t express emotions in the same way that women do.
While men and women certainly don’t have to express or feel emotions in the same way, when dads refuse to show emotion at all, they’re teaching their daughters that this is the norm for men and all that can be expected. That’s not the way a relationship between a man and a woman has to be at all. Instead, women can feel confident in their self-worth and their relationships.
Fathers play a huge role in their daughters knowing their worth. Making mistakes like these can drive relationships with daughters away and cause daughters to think they don’t have any self-worth or self-esteem. Instead, fathers should focus on building their daughters up and teaching them how important they are.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
