Doing 11 Specific Things Can Alienate Your Grown Children, No Matter How Great A Parent You Are
winnievinzence | Shutterstock Few parents try to push their adult kids away, but after a few years of repeating bad habits, the kids have gone "no contact" and left their parents wondering what went wrong. It turns out, even great parents can alienate grown children without even realizing.
If your grown children are getting ready to leave the nest (or have been gone for a while, now) you should be aware of the mistakes that can damage your relationship. After all, they're no longer obligated to live under your roof or follow your rules, so you'll want to start cultivating a lasting relationship built on mutual respect.
Doing 11 specific things can alienate your grown children, no matter how great a parent you are
1. Having unrealistic expectations for your grown children
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Great parents know that high expectations happen because you believe in your grown child's potential. Unfortunately, it's not always clear when those expectations are set too high. When they are, they can easily alienate your grown children rather than inspire you.
Part of raising kids is holding space for them to grow into themselves. It’s okay to feel disappointed that your child decided not to go to law school or follow in your footsteps as a teacher, but those feelings are best kept to yourself. Adult children need to establish identities that are separate from who their parents are, and expecting otherwise can sabotage the relationship and even lead to estrangement.
Even more importantly, parents cannot push a timeline on their child's success. They may find what they love later in life, and end up immensely successful then. Interrupting that process by imposing your will may unintentionally sabotage that process.
2. Continuously bringing up the past
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Engaged parents know that it’s healthy to openly talk about hardship amd past struggles. Processing and acknowledging pain are important for moving through it.
But constantly focusing on old wounds sometimes serves to make the pain feel as though it were still happening in the present. Worse, it can remind your adult kid of shame from the past — yours or theirs.
Sometimes that shame is from a small incident, like getting in trouble or a mistake they made. Other times, it's something serious the family has been through.
Here's the thing: parents who force past wounds to the surface risk significantly sabotaging their relationships with their adult children if they haven’t healed themselves.
As psychologist Dr. Sandra Cohen shared, “There is such a thing as transgenerational trauma.”
“If your mom or dad had a traumatic childhood and that trauma was also unresolved, it is passed down from parent to child, from unconscious mind to unconscious mind,” she continued. “Parents who were traumatized live out their trauma.”
If parents want to talk about their own trauma, or trauma faced by their kids, it's important they do that in a safe and supportive environment.
3. Focusing on their flaws
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Parents don’t realize that focusing on their adult children's flaws or mistakes can alienate them and will, eventually, sabotage their relationship.
Often, parents do this because they think it's helpful to their child, thinking it will make them stronger or help them grow. But being overly critical doesn’t inspire people to change; it just drags down their sense of self-worth and makes them want to distance themselves.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Jennifer Twardowski noted that “Most people who are over-critical have issues with themselves. People who are critical use it as a way to project their insecurities on other people.” This may be why the criticisms given by these people are taken harshly; they are given harshly.
“A valid criticism would focus on improving instead of defining a person,” Twardowski explained. “But an overly critical person will weaponize your shortcomings to attack you and make you feel inferior.”
She shared that setting boundaries is the first step to combatting criticism. If that doesn't work, going low-contact or no-contact might be the path forward.
Mutual respect is an essential part of every relationship, and if parents don’t respect their adult children, it can sabotage their relationship.
4. Micromanaging their lives
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Micromanaging the lives of grown children is a great way to push them away. Of course, micromanagement is usually done out of love. You, as a parent, have a lot of life experience to share and your kids can benefit.
The problem is that it's developmentally normal and healthy for children to start pushing away from their parents starting in adolescents. According to Dr. Becca Ballinger, "During adolescence, teens go through a phase known as the quest for independence. This is a crucial part of their development, where they start to form their own identity separate from their parents."
This quest is just the beginning. As kids become full-grown adults, they need even more autonomy. This can be uncomfortable for parents to let go of grown children, who are no longer within their control, but if they don't, they can easily stunt their grown child's development.
Parents don’t get to decide where their kids live, their career path, or who they choose as a partner. While they might think their micromanaging behavior is a display of care, it reflects their own control issues, not good parenting.
It can feel scary to admit we don’t have control over most things, especially our kids, whom we love. Yet accepting that we can only control our own decisions and reactions can bring a sense of freedom and a more stable connection in our relationships.
5. Refusing to accept their partner
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There are many reasons even great parents may alienate their grown children in an attempt to save them (or so the parent thinks) from a partner they simply don't like. Not only is this an act of control that's inappropriate for a parent of an adult, it's also a dig at your child's taste in partners — and their partner themselves.
As long as their spouse isn’t abusive or actively causing harm, rejecting an adult kid’s romantic partner creates tension that often results in their kids putting distance between themselves and their parents.
Some parents show their disapproval subtly, and others purposefully exclude or disrespect their adult kid’s spouses. Both behaviors are toxic. Adult children shouldn’t have to choose between their parents and their partners, and expecting them to do so sabotages the relationships parents have with their adult kids.
6. Dismissing and diminishing their feelings
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When an adult child brings up emotions from childhood, parents should listen instead of dismissing them, but it's easy to respond negatively. After all, you probably never intended to hurt them or do something wrong when they were young.
Even good parents often invalidate their adult kids’ difficult emotions by saying phrases like, “It wasn’t that bad” or “You need to get over it.” These statements minimize how their kids feel, which can quickly sabotage the relationship.
While emotionally validating their adult children might not be easy, it is the most caring way to respond. As psychologist Guy Winch pointed out, “conveying that we get what the other person is feeling and why they're feeling it is an effective way to soothe another person's feelings.”
Winch outlined a practical approach to emotional validation, offering a step-by-step guide on how to be validated.
“Invite them to tell you their perspective of what happened and how they felt about it,” he explained. “Listen with empathy and compassion. Your task is to get their perspective so you can convey it back to them.”
Winch noted that offering emotional validation is a powerful gift, as “feeling seen and understood is immensely cathartic.”
Parents might disagree with their adult kids’ version of events from the past or their present emotions, and that's OK. You can even share your own perspective. But dismissing them outright will easily alienate your grown children.
7. Offering inconsistent support and love
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Being inconsistent can often alienate grown children and low-key sabotage a parent's relationship with their grown children.
When parents are unable or unwilling to show up for their kids, even sporadically, it fosters an unstable environment that can affect their kids’ emotional well-being, even as adults. Providing consistent support (even if it's less than what your grow kid wants) allows them to feel you are reliable, which is essential for maintaining a close connection.
According to Dr. Sheryl Ziegler, effective parents have certain personality traits, including responsiveness and consistency.
She shared that consistency is “one of the most essential foundational skills to being a good parent.”
Being an inconsistent parent creates issues that can last well into adulthood, as kids need to feel securely attached to their parents to become prosperous and emotionally stable adults.
“Without consistent loving, caretaking, and discipline, your child will be less likely to take you seriously and push boundaries a lot more,” Dr. Ziegler explained. The lack of boundaries from childhood can impact how adult kids relate to their parents and form relationships with others all the way into adulthood.
8. Expecting perfection instead of experimentation and growth
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As they grow up, kids (even adult kids!) will try on different versions of their personalities until they find the expression that fits them best. Often, that means trying things and failing or changing course.
Parents who don’t provide ample space for their kids to try new things, fail, adapt and change make it hard for them to feel accepted even as adults. This involves pushing away from their parents as part of normal identity development.
It might be difficult for parents to recognize that their adult kids have identities that aren't what they expected. But forcing them into a box or defining them as someone they no longer are can crush the connection you are trying to maintain.
In order to avoid alienating them, parents should do their best to acknowledge that their adult kids have changed and will most likely keep changing. They can either embrace the people their adult kids have become or keep trying to change them, which will sabotage their relationship.
9. Becoming overly dependent upon your child
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As parents age and their grown children become more responsible, it can be easy to slip into expecting their kids to provide undivided emotional support and attention, which can create a codependent dynamic. After all, even though parents and kids are all adults at this stage, the parent is still the parent.
Yes, eventually parents become sick or very elderly and may need a caretaker. But until then, If adult kids are expected to put their lives on hold for their parents, they will likely become resentful, which can sabotage the connection and fully alienate your grown child.
While experts say that healthy emotional dependency is a normal function of stable relationships, being overly reliant on others isn’t healthy. Emotional helplessness is often rooted in dysfunctional family dynamics — parents who depend on their children for emotional regulation place an unhealthy burden on them.
Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their feelings while still making sure they're caring for their loved ones in appropriate ways. If yiou want your grown children to stay close, it's better to let other people provide the bulk of your support, instead of them.
10. Refusing to acknowledge your own mistakes
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Yes, it's hard to own up to your mistakes, but by not acknowledging them, parents can quickly erode the trust between their adult children and themselves. This feels like it shouldn't be hard for a great parent to do, but in practice, it can be painful.
This process involves listening without judgment and accepting your grown children's emotions without being defensive. Licensed marriage and family therapist Shelby Riley pointed out that the power of a genuine apology serves to “hold you accountable so that you are far less likely to make the same mistake again.”
And that is why these apologies are so meaningful for your kids, of any age. It tells them that you're working to be an even better parent, growth that can happen at any age.
Parents who give their adult children genuine apologies also show they’re open-minded and self-reflective, traits that help keep connections strong.
11. Always leaving it to your grown children to initiate contact
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Lots of great parents are wary of being the one to initiate contact with their grown children. They know their kids are busy and they likely don't want to be a bother or have yet another call go to voicemail.
What they may not realize is that their kids, even grown ones, want to hear from their parents. Maybe they'd respond best via text, or maybe they let your calls go to voicemail, but it's the effort that counts.
When young adults are left to always be the initiators, it may not feel like freedom to them. It may feel like they're unimportant to their parents. Over time, they may reach out less, leaving their adult parents feeling alienated and wondering how their grown kids drifted away.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
