People Who Grew Up Watching Their Parents Do These 3 Things Usually Struggle With Boundaries As Adults
halfpoint | Canva Parenting is hard work, but sometimes, we make it even harder on ourselves. This leads to unhappy parents, stressed-out families, and you can't enjoy your children's great moments.
Need a few examples? There are three common ways parents make their lives (and their children's lives) far more stressful than necessary. I've also included some parenting tips for making minor changes that lead to big, happy results so that your kids don't struggle with boundaries as they get older.
People who grew up watching their parents do these 3 things usually struggle with boundaries as adults:
1. Trying to make your child someone or something they aren't
Your child is naturally introverted, yet you want an extroverted, social child. Your child likes to read, but you insist on having an athlete in the house. Does your child like to do their homework later in the day versus right after school, yet you insist they sit at the table for hours until they get their work done?
Parenting is always easier when we follow our children's cues instead of forcing them to follow our agendas. That doesn't mean we don't set limits, but it does mean we watch for the natural inclinations of our child, use those to build positive skills and interactions, and then help our kids stretch into areas outside their comfort zones.
Try following your child's cues for a week or two and watch the peace level in your house rise. We are only our children's guides, not the owners of their destinies. Sit back, relax a bit, and let your child lead you on the journey.
Children respond totally differently to the same parenting behaviors depending on their natural temperament, which means you need to pay attention to who your kid actually is and adapt your approach instead of forcing them to fit some mold. Studies show that when parents ignore their child's temperament and try to reshape them into something different, it creates way more conflict and behavioral problems. Effective parenting requires working with who your child really is instead of trying to turn them into some idealized version you have in your head.
2. Hovering over your child's every move
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Do you constantly comment on every aspect of your child's life? Do you say things like, "Are you wearing that? It doesn't match, and you look like a bag person. What's wrong with you?" Or, "Why aren't you getting good grades like your sister? I got good grades in school. What's wrong with you?" Or, "How come all of your friends are losers? How come you don't have better friends or more friends?"
If you recognize any version of these diatribes, you are over-parenting your children with your nagging and probably making your family miserable because of it. Lectures and criticism don't work; listening, asking non-judgmental questions, and offering kind and compassionate advice work—IF you do it consistently and without a bad attitude.
Your child picks up on your disappointment, and they are likely to feel how disappointed you are until you start recognizing their strengths and helping them grow into those strong qualities. Next time you are about to say something negative to your child, stop and ask yourself if your words will benefit them in any way. If not, don't say them.
Also, ask yourself how you would feel if someone said those same words to you. Most of us don't like someone nagging or criticizing us at work, so why would your children respond well to that at home?
A 2022 study found that helicopter parenting, where you constantly comment on and control every little thing your kid does, is linked to way higher rates of anxiety, depression, and poorer self-regulation in children. When parents hover and criticize all the time, they basically send the message that their kids can't handle anything on their own, which completely undermines their confidence and autonomy. Kids end up feeling like they need constant protection instead of learning how to actually deal with challenges themselves.
3. Not following through or setting firm limits
Children are very wise to their parents' weaknesses, and if you tell them they will lose screen privileges if they don't clean their room, but you don't follow through on that, you've just taught them not to believe your word.
Don't set a lot of rules in your home, but set a few important ones and make those non-negotiable. A few examples might be following curfew times, not being mean to siblings, or feeding the dog.
When you allow your children to break the rules, you teach them not to listen to or respect you. If they don't respect you, you will likely be angry and frustrated and resort to overparenting, as explained above. Following through initially is the key to not having to give more consequences in the future. If your children know you mean business, they will stop doing the behavior you disapprove of.
Inconsistent discipline shows a really strong link with young children's conduct problems because when parents don't follow through on consequences, kids learn their parents' words don't actually mean anything. Studies show that moms of kids with behavioral issues acted inconsistently way more often than mothers of well-behaved kids, which basically means when you let your children break the rules without consequences, you're teaching them not to listen to or respect you.
Why make parenting more difficult? Accept your children for who they are and work with them from that point. Don't involve yourself in too many details of their lives, particularly as they get older. Be available but not intrusive.
Finally, set firm limits on crucial behaviors and expectations and follow through on them so your child learns to both trust and respect you. You only get a limited time with your children in your home, so don't you want to make that time as enjoyable and hassle-free as possible?
Lisa Kaplin is a psychologist, certified professional life and executive coach, and a highly experienced corporate speaker. She helps people overcome stress and overwhelm to find joy in their personal lives and success and meaning in their professional lives.
