The Art Of Being A Working Mom: 10 Simple Habits Of Moms Who Make Peace With Doing Just Enough
A refreshing reminder you don't have to do it all to be a great mom.
Getty Images | Unsplash Working moms, here's some parenting advice about how to deal with guilt that comes from juggling kids and a career. Do you suffer from mom guilt because you work, especially because you like what you do and want to achieve high levels of success in your career?
And for some reason, you feel guilty for that. Here's some great news for you: mothering without guilt while excelling in your career is possible. Yes, it's true! Instead of beating yourself up about all the things you're supposedly missing or not doing right, learn how to deal with the guilt that comes so easily to parents.
It's time to get to a place where you feel at peace with your decisions and feel good about yourself. Because the truth is: you can be a good mother while also succeeding at work. What's behind this mom guilt? It's actually quite complicated. Part of the problem is that your guilt isn't simple. It's not just that you feel guilty because you work.
Your guilt arises from a lot of things.
- The fear that your son loves your nanny more than you, while simultaneously feeling you should be happy that you obviously found the right person.
- Regularly coming home too late to cook a decent dinner, which means take-out and frozen dinners most of the time.
- Hearing that you're the only mom who didn't make it to the 3rd-grade spelling bee, which was, of course, held at 2:00 in the afternoon during an important work meeting you couldn't reschedule.
- Being proud of all you've accomplished in your career and not wanting to let go of any of your successes.
- Having a hard time focusing at work because of how exhausted you feel.
- Leaving work early to attend your daughter's piano recital.
- The relief you feel on Monday morning to get away from your sick (and often screaming) baby.
- The extra work and hours your team picked up on your behalf when out on maternity leave.
- The excitement of going back to work (and to adult conversation) after being out on maternity leave.
Guilt arises for a variety of reasons. It's a giant, complicated combo platter of feelings that causes confusion and makes it difficult to figure out how to fix. But if you look closely, there's a common theme: you feel that you're not measuring up.
Parenting isn't perfect, nor is there a better way to be a so-called perfect parent. The premise of mom-guilt (whether it's working mom guilt or general motherhood guilt) is that you're doing something wrong.
That means that there's some standard that you're falling short of. The problem is that parenting and motherhood aren't one-size-fits-all. Every person is different, which means that every mom and every child is too, as is each family unit.
With the bulk of parenting advice and the variety of parenting styles available out there, how can there be one perfect or right way? Besides, there's no such thing as "right" or "perfect." You're a human being (and I hate to break it to you, but humans are not perfect). You're going to mess up and make mistakes.
All you can do is your best, which means you need to accept that you're human and will make mistakes, take responsibility for and strive to learn from your mistakes, and apologize with grace when necessary. It's time you treat yourself as you do your children.
You don't expect your kids to never fall down, make mistakes, or fail at anything. It's part of learning and growing as a human being — and it doesn't miraculously stop just because you're an adult or have become a parent.
Here are 10 simple habits of moms who make peace with doing 'enough':
1. They let go of either/or
There's this ridiculous belief most working moms have that they must "balance" work versus the rest of life. But there's no such thing. Your life is integrated, and you chose your career for a reason — and there's nothing wrong with that.
What's worse is that this creates a struggle between one part of your life and another. And it makes you feel like you're doing something wrong whenever you choose one side over the other (which is pretty much happening all the time).
Here's the thing: there's no either/or. You can have success both as a mother and in your career. But you can't do that if you're pitting the two sides against one another. Drop the either/or mentality.
2. They know the benefits of working
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There are pros and cons to working full-time as a mom. And there are also pros and cons to staying at home with your kids and working part-time. Unfortunately, you've been focusing on all the negatives of working. It's time to educate yourself and start focusing on the positives for a change.
Kids benefit from having a working mother. A Harvard University research study has shown that:
- Women who grow up with working mothers are more likely to earn higher wages and hold higher positions within their fields than those who don't.
- Men who grow up with working mothers spend more time caring for their kids and doing chores around the house than the men who had stay-at-home moms.
Moreover, your kids will have more opportunities to be independent, will learn from their caregivers, and will learn that they don't have to put their dreams or ambitions off either. You'll be teaching them valuable lessons because you work. Start focusing on the benefits instead of only on the negatives.
3. They put their oxygen masks on first
This one is difficult for many of my clients who are mothers. They seem to think that they don't have the time to take care of themselves. The thing is: you've got to make the time (and yes, you can make it).
It's time that you allow yourself to admit that you're a better mother, wife, worker, and all-around person if you're well. And that's all that self-care is. It's about doing what's necessary to be physically, mentally, and spiritually well. You're worth devoting some time to.
4. They accept that there are trade-offs
Here's something you must accept if you want to mother without guilt: life is about trade-offs. Often, there isn't a "perfect" choice available (otherwise, I'm not sure it would be a real choice). But that doesn't mean that there isn't a best choice.
Recognizing trade-offs in decision-making can alleviate stress and boost satisfaction with choices, fostering a mindset of understanding and acceptance regarding the inevitability of compromise. Research indicates that women, but not men, are expected to be responsible for family life and are more likely to be judged negatively by their peers if they fall short.
Figure out what trade-offs are acceptable to you and then make decisions accordingly. And forget about trying to do or have "it all" because there's no such thing. This is something that I think men have right — you never hear them talking about wanting to have it all.
5. They use their values as their guide
Now the question becomes, how do you figure out which trade-offs you're comfortable with? It's actually simpler than you think. Understand and define your core values so that you can use them as a guide when making decisions.
Your core values motivate and drive you forward. They are what make you uniquely yourself. When you understand your values and align your life with them, life is easier and simpler. The right decisions become more apparent, so you stop agonizing over and second-guessing them. Once you identify your values, the right trade-offs will become obvious.
Aren't sure what your core values are? Ask yourself what's most important to you and why. And consider what you want people to remember you for. That's a good way to start identifying your personal values.
6. They focus on quality over quantity
Think back on your childhood memories with your family. What do you remember most fondly? Do you remember a pre-planned, elaborate excursion or something that wasn't planned (but is instead the exact opposite of an elaborate event)?
I'm willing to bet your best memories are of small, simple moments where someone gave you their full attention. When you're with your kids, focus on them. Be 100 percent present with them at that moment. That's what it means to focus on quality over quantity. It's not that quantity doesn't matter because you obviously need to spend time with your kids (no time or very little time won't do). But you don't have to be with them all the time.
A large-scale study revealed that when parents are stressed, tired, guilty, or anxious, time with kids can actually be harmful. Showing up fully present for 30 minutes beats being distracted and depleted for three hours. Play and have fun with your kids. Play hide and seek, ride your bike, play games, and just have fun. And as they grow older, talk to them about whatever they want (follow their lead — they're sure to surprise you).
7. They learn to be present
If you want to have great quality time with your children, you must be fully present. And the only way to do that is to work on it consistently. Presence is a skill that must be developed. There are many ways to develop presence, but one simple way is to practice mindful breathing, which is a form of meditation.
Set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and focus on your breath. Close your eyes and pay attention to how the breath feels going in and out of your body. Try breathing slowly through your nose. If, at any time, you find that your mind has wandered, bring your attention slowly back to your breath.
You can also practice mindful observation. Go for a walk and mindfully observe all that you see, hear, smell, and touch. Again, whenever your mind wanders, bring it back to your surroundings and what can be observed. Being more mindful will help train your mind to be more present. And you'll also become more aware of when you're not being present so that you can do something about it.
8. They create blocks of time for family only
If you want quality time, you must make it happen. Sometimes, you can get some quality moments in the car or when eating together. However, it's important to set aside time for one another and block it out in your calendar.
This isn't the same as taking vacations. It's about having time for true connection and being present with your kids on a regular basis. For example:
- Have 30 minutes of dinner time each evening.
- Dedicate 2 hours to family time every Sunday evening (where you play games, ride bikes, play mini golf, etc.).
To be clear: this isn't the only time you'll be together. However, this is devoted family time that should be free of any electronics — no phones or television.
One study found that families today spend nearly 30 minutes more per day in the same location than they did 15 years ago, but much of this is "alone-together time," with family members near each other but focused on individual devices. Experts recommend blocking out family time the same way you block out work time, but do it together and undistracted.
9. They enforce strong boundaries
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The only way to ensure that you're guilt-free is to create and enforce boundaries. Before you start arguing with me: I know that boundaries cause many people guilt. In my experience, it's often related to fear. Fear of what others will think, fear of hurting someone's feelings, and so on.
But boundaries aren't just about saying "no". In fact, most of the time they don't involve saying "no". A boundary is merely a rule for how you need to be treated to feel respected and whole as a person.
Boundaries are created to support your own well-being (physically, mentally, and spiritually), honor your core values, and keep you free of obligations that you don't really want (which is where saying "no" often comes into play). Determine where you need stronger boundaries, create them, and then enforce them.
Note: When you create boundaries, you must tell people about them. For example, if your mother-in-law often comes over unannounced (and you need that to stop), then you must tell her your new rule. That's your boundary. You'd enforce it by telling her she can't stay if she drops by unannounced.
10. They allow room for mistakes and growth
After all, you're human. I've found it helpful to talk to myself with some simple affirmations whenever I mess up. It's part of my internal ritual for acknowledging that I've messed up, identifying how to take responsibility, and then having the courage to move forward (because trust me, it's not easy to apologize to your kids).
Put together your own affirmation for when you mess up that reminds you that you're human (and that's okay) and helps you better identify what you've learned and what you can do better the next time. Becoming a mother doesn't mean that you must give up your career or suffer from guilt.
Studies examining working mothers found that mothers with higher levels of self-compassion tend to be less self-judgmental about their limitations and imperfections as mothers and feel more confident about their parental ability. They found that self-forgiveness and self-compassion are tools to overcome the negative impact of guilt, and even four months after the intervention, participating working mothers were still experiencing lower levels of guilt and higher levels of well-being.
Mothering without guilt while excelling at your career is possible so long as you adopt the right mentality. Use the tips above to help you do that so that you, too, can adopt an "I don't do guilt" mantra.
Heather Moulder is a career and life coach and the founder of Course Correction Coaching. She specializes in helping professional women have both a successful career and a happy home life with real work-life balance.
