Adults Who Were Raised By Tense, Nervous Moms Often Do These 11 Things In Silence
Irina Bg / Shutterstock The way a person was raised plays a huge role in the way they handle themselves and life as an adult. If someone who is now an adult grew up with a tense, nervous mom, there are some specific things they often do in silence that are a reflection of how they processed her lack of emotional regulation.
The way a mother like this treats her child plays a significant role in how that child views themselves as they get older. If her inability to manage her overwhelming emotions led her to be critical of her child or overlook effective parenting, her child may become an adult who struggles with low self-esteem and difficulty expressing themselves to others, leaving them believing they need to deal with tough emotions on their own.
Adults who were raised by tense, nervous moms often do these 11 things in silence
1. They constantly scan rooms for potential threats
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When a child is raised by a very tense and anxious mother, they will often feel a need to constantly scan the rooms they enter for potential threats.
If this adult has inherited an anxious mind or learned to believe that paranoia is normal, they will perceive the world differently from those who grew up feeling secure. This hypervigilance may lead them to view even neutral situations as threats they need to defend themselves against.
2. They analyze every word they say before speaking
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An adult who developed anxiety as a result of growing up with a nervous and tense mom will often analyze every word they say before speaking. This is due to the heightened sensitivity they have to criticism and potential threats, as well as the self-doubt they likely struggle with.
Research has found that anxious individuals typically struggle with focusing too heavily on emotionally negative content. This may cause them to react poorly to any feedback they receive. In order to avoid having to deal with that kind of discomfort, they therefore try to be very careful about what they say.
3. They hide their feelings and needs
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Having a nervous, tense mother growing up can affect how a child manages their emotions as an adult. They will typically have struggles with regulating their emotions and feeling emotionally invalidated.
Studies show that emotional regulation issues are correlated with anxiety disorders. When this is a disorder that results from certain parenting styles, such as anxious parents who are too overwhelmed by their own emotions to consider the feelings of their children, it can make it increasingly more difficult for grown children to express their feelings and needs to others.
4. They struggle with making even small decisions
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Those who were raised by a mother who saw everything as a reason to be anxious will have a harder time making even small decisions as they get older. They may develop an intense fear of failure and have trouble with self-regulation.
If their mother was so preoccupied with her own emotions and struggles that she could not effectively parent, her child may have had to take on parent-like responsibilities, which could negatively affect the way the child handles decision-making as an adult. If the now-adult child had to grow up too soon, they may experience feelings of uncertainty and inadequacy when trying to make even the smallest decisions in their life.
5. They avoid trying new things
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Adults who dealt with a tense and nervous mom growing up often struggle with low self-esteem and feeling like they constantly need to stay in control. This will cause them to avoid trying new things out of fear of the unknown.
These adults have likely developed some anxiety of their own, and these feelings cause them to view not taking any risks on new things as a safer option. While they cannot be certain that trying something new will end badly, they prefer to save themselves from any potential negative consequences.
6. They put others' comfort ahead of their own
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People who were raised by a tense, nervous mother often develop people-pleasing tendencies as adults. Feeling like they always need to put others before themselves leads them to frequently prioritize others' comfort over their own.
Chronic people-pleasing is correlated with mental health struggles. If someone's mother taught them to be anxious, they may think that, to be accepted by others, they constantly have to please them, even if it means damaging their own well-being.
7. They struggle with accepting compliments
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When a parent is nervous and tense most of the time, they may also be highly critical of their children. An adult who had a mother like when they were a child will likely struggle with accepting compliments, and may suffer from low self-esteem.
Constantly being criticized by their mother can make it difficult for them to view themselves or their actions in a positive light. A person with low self-esteem may have an inner voice that constantly puts them down. This makes them feel uncomfortable when they receive compliments because positive feedback does not align with their own self-views.
8. They engage in self-soothing behaviors
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An adult who was raised by a tense and nervous mother may find themselves engaging in quiet and self-soothing behaviors while in silence. This is mainly due to their impaired ability to seek and accept comfort from others.
If their mother had difficulties with managing and regulating her own emotions due to her anxious personality, she likely passed this struggle on to her children. Dealing with this, along with anxiety, will cause a person to have difficulty with feeling satisfaction in relationships and feeling like they can trust and be supported socially.
9. They assume others are angry with them
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Growing up with a tense and anxious mother can cause a person to have trouble interpreting social cues when they become an adult. This may assume others are angry with them, even when they are not.
Studies have found that people who struggle with anxiety will typically misinterpret expressions of emotions and tend to view even ambiguous cues as being negative. These people were raised to always be on guard and ready to detect potential threats, and this mindset is likely to take over even in non-threatening, positive situations.
10. They keep a highly organized personal space
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A tense and nervous mother may prioritize organization, using it as a coping mechanism to feel a sense of control and predictability. If this is the case, her children will typically develop this same behavior as they reach adulthood. As a result, an adult with this kind of mother will maintain a highly organized personal space.
Creating an environment that is considered organized and controllable allows an anxious individual to feel protected against potential threats. Those who do this think that if they are aware of everything in their space, nothing harmful can affect them.
11. They feel like they have to be perfect
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An adult child who grew up in a dysfunctional environment with a mother who was tense and nervous may feel as though they have to be perfect in order to be safe. It will likely be difficult for them to feel self-compassion, and they may become people pleasers. This may be especially true if they were shown very little affection and were treated lovingly only if they lived up to a certain expectation and always did what they believed would please their parents.
"When love, approval, or safety depend on performance, perfectionism becomes a way to cope, feel in control, and avoid rejection," notes Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW. However, this can be overcome.
"By practicing self-compassion, challenging unhelpful thoughts, and focusing on growth instead of perfect outcomes, you can alleviate the pressure on yourself. You are not defined by your accomplishments or by being perfect. You are worthy simply for being you," Martin concludes.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
