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Someday, maybe ... but not yet.
By Teena Evert — Written on Mar 21, 2016
A common problem that single women face is when a long-term relationship ends, and their feelings for their ex continue for months or even longer.
Just because you're single again, doesn’t necessarily mean the love or attachment you felt for your ex is gone. You probably still have days when you feel rattled because the person you spent so much time with is now a stranger.
Feeling empty and lost is normal during the post-breakup or post-divorce healing process. One way we try to get over the hurt of a relationship ending is to "get back out there" and find someone new. The desire to date again can feel strong. You may even think you're ready. But, just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re actually over your ex and ready to date again.
Here are 3 signs that you are so NOT ready to date (and what you can do to heal, grow and repair).
1. You have a victim mentality
It makes you powerless to heal and grow because you’re stuck in your hurt (almost addicted to it). You feel robbed of your self-esteem and self worth. You focus endlessly on how wronged you were and only see your ex's fault in why the relationship fell apart.
You'll never find new love until you let go of being the victim and reclaim your personal power. You can begin to do this by forgiving yourself (and your ex) through the process of knowing and believing that you each did the best you could.
Take time to reconnect with yourself and what you value most, so you can attract the relationship that you deserve without compromising who you are at your core.
2. You don’t know what you want
Before you start dating again, it’s important to identify what it is that you want in your next relationship. A good place to start is by taking an inventory of all your past relationships complaints. Make a list of what you don’t want in a relationship. It’s healing to get it out and then use it to springboard into identifying what you do desire.
But, it's critical that you clear on the positive relationship you do want to have. Otherwise, without clarity, you'll stumble into the exact same relationship dynamic that hurt you in the past.
3. You feel desperate
Of course, no one wants to admit he or she feels desperate, but I'll bet you're having a difficult time detaching from your anxious ache to fall in love again. Wanting love too much actually causes you to repel it.
That desperation causes you to trip yourself up and sabotage your new relationships. Believing that you need someone else's love to feel complete yourself is always a road to drama and conflict. Instead, wait awhile. Heal some more. And then approach finding a new relationship from a place of peace. Understand that yes, being in love would feel wonderful, but you won’t die without it.
Look, I understand. Getting over a breakup is hard.
You feel hurt, lonely and that makes you crave affection and validation. But, when you leap into another committed relationship too soon, you run the risk of repeating the same patterns that didn’t work for you in your past relationship. So, don't skip taking the time you fully need time to heal and improve your relationship with yourself. Falling in love again is not about finding the right person; it’s about becoming the right person.
Devote time to improving your self-esteem, raising your deserving-ness, getting clear about what it is you truly want in your next relationship, and creating a peaceful mindset. Let go of how you expect or demand your love life to work out and start enjoying your time being single.
Teena Evert, LMFT, LAC is a relationship coach who works with single divorcees who want to find new love, but struggle with dating and attracting the right man to cultivate a healthy and fulfilling love life with. Be sure to download her Top 10 Tips To Survive Being Single, When What You Want Most Is To Be In Love!