Love, Heartbreak

5 Things He Does That Make You Crazy Jealous (And How To Overcome Them Together)

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I’m fine.

It’s nothing.

No big deal.

You claim that you’re perfectly OK, but that’s not how you feel on the inside. And it’s probably not what your body language and other non-verbal cues are saying either. Beneath your claims to your partner that you’re not upset and that nothing is wrong is an annoying, anxiety-producing, and maddening jealousy.

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You’re upset because of a situation that’s going on (that’s beyond your control). You’re also upset because getting jealous about it feels so silly.

Nobody sets out to intentionally get jealous in their relationships — it can feel petty or even paranoid. Nobody wants all that drama, and that’s one reason why when you feel jealous. You might try your hardest to hide iteven from yourself.

You might spend a lot of energy either trying to convince yourself that you’re making a big deal out of nothing or criticizing yourself for worrying and being suspicious. You might also attempt to drown out your jealousy with drinking, drugs, shopping or anything else that promises to distract. Rarely do any of these actions work in an effective or long-lasting way.

Jealousy isn’t something that just goes away on its own.

No matter how “silly” the reason for your jealousy seems, until you fully face it, understand it, and deal with it, you can't free yourself from the gnawing doubt, fear and fury that often go along with jealousy. You also can't truly enjoy the trust and connection with your partner that you’ve been wanting all along.

It’s time to stop ignoring your jealousy and start consciously resolving whatever's troubling you, regardless of how “insignificant” it seems. Set aside your discomfort and embarrassment and find new ways to handle the upsetting situation.

Here are 5 common jealousy-triggering scenarios and what to do about them:

1. He calls himself an extrovert, but you think he’s just a flirt sending the wrong message.

Look beyond labels and focus on specific behaviors instead. Stop making your partner wrong for being more social or friendlier than you are and identify the behaviors that most bother you. Then go within to find out why. The less you blame, the better. When you learn from your differences and find ways to respect them, conflicts ease and jealousy dissipates much more quickly.

2. He doesn’t deny that he enjoys looking at other women but says he’d never cheat.

Your biggest ally in overcoming jealousy is remembering the facts. Yes, your partner’s wandering eye feels degrading (possibly to everyone involved), but it doesn’t mean he's about to have an affair. Use words like, "I feel _______ when I see you looking in that way at others.” Ask your partner to re-focus on you and make sure you’re actually focused on him (instead of on your fears).

3. He and his ex are "just friends" who still talk, text, and regularly meet for coffee.

Healthy communication is key in a scenario that involves continued contact between your partner and her ex. When you both are open to discussion, talk about what’s appropriate (and what’s not) when it comes to either of you interacting with an ex. Create agreements that are reasonable and that you both will follow. Watch for signs that your partner is actually honoring those agreements to calm your jealousy.

4. His porn-watching habit makes you angry and feel inadequate even though he claims it’s just the way he de-stresses and unwinds.

The first conversation about pornography to have is with your own self. Can you accept that your partner consumes porn (for whatever reason) or is this a deal-breaker for you? Be honest and let your answer guide you. If you're OK with the porn, make sure the two of you set aside quality time for lovemaking and intimacy.

5. He hasn’t given you any reason to doubt, but you can’t erase the image in your mind of your ex with someone else.

If you’ve been cheated on or hurt in the past, regularly check in with yourself to see where you need to heal so that you can release what happened with someone else and live in the present. Making amends with your past is a great way to overcome jealousy. It can involve journaling, simple rituals, or working with a coach or counselor.

To truly free yourself from jealousy, you’ve got to commit to doing whatever it takes to change the way you think, act, and interact with your partner. This isn’t just about your relationship; it’s also about your self-esteem and peace of mind.

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Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches based in Columbus, OH, who are committed to helping others have their happiest and healthiest relationships possible. Their free Seven Jealousy-Stopping Secrets will teach you how to know when it's jealousy, when it's not, and what to do next. Visit today.