4 Secrets To Making Monogamy Sexy

The fun doesn't have to end once you commit.

4 Secrets To Making Monogamy Sexy getty

A friend of ours is about to get married to the love of his life. We were talking recently about the timeless question most people on the brink of marriage think about: is it possible to keep sex interesting and exciting during a monogamous relationship?

The question makes sense and may be one reason divorce rates of both first and second marriages are so high. Keeping a love relationship alive is difficult and when you add in the differences in how men and women’s approach lovemaking, keeping sex exciting over the long haul may start to seem impossible.


The thought of having one sex partner forever bring chills to many people who feel they need newness and excitement that may not come from a familiar spouse. They worry sex will become boring and routine and wonder if they will be willing to make the effort.

In addition, people begin to worry that they will be tempted to look elsewhere for their sexual fulfillment and many wonder if humans are actually suited for monogamy.

RELATED: How (And Why) I Trained My Brain Not To Feel Jealousy

If you’ve questioned this yourself, we encourage you to consider the possibility that monogamy in and of itself can lead to a more satisfying sex life. Here's how to have a healthy relationship and why having a faithful partner can be incredibly sexy and desirous.


1. There are physical changes over time.

The reality is, everyone’s body, and everyone’s libido, is going to change with time.  It’s important to remember that these changes can be worked with so that you can continue to have satisfying sexual relationships well into your octogenarian years. The benefit of a monogamous relationship is that you get to work through these changes with someone you love and trust.

As we age, the connection we feel with the person we are sleeping with matters more and more. As a result libido and sexual responsiveness become more intertwined with partner. Your overall emotional level becomes more important in your ability to have a fulfilling sexual experience.


Having a partner you trust and in whom you can share things with allows you to discuss those things that most people are uncomfortable sharing. That in and of itself is a turn-on for many people.

2. Your physical appearance becomes more beautiful.

Let’s face it: we live in a world where body image seems to trump substance. While this may be true in the tabloids and on reality television, it is far from the reality of a long-term relationship. These relationships are built on substance, consistency, and the ability to stay connected and really be there for our partners no matter what.

Once we realize we don’t have to be the perfect size, have the perfect hair, or those six packs abs, we become very free sexually. We move differently, are less self-conscious, are willing to be seen literally and figuratively. What is interesting to note is that when we love someone and have a veritable chemical love soup swirling around our brain our partners become more and more beautiful to us. 

RELATED: How To Make Even The Most Difficult Conversations With The Person You Love Easier For Both Of You


3. You are free to be playful and experiment. 

One of the benefits of being with a monogamous partner is that your comfort level deepens with time. This allows playfulness and spontaneity to be present in your sexual interactions.

Playfulness brings so much to a sexual relationship because it keeps things new and interesting. Role-play, adventures, new positions, exploring new locations, even experimenting with sex toys, can bring new life to a sexual relationship.

Couples that are playful outside of the bedroom seem to know how to keep the relationship alive. Flirting and romancing each other, telling your partner how sexy they look in a particular outfit or whispering, “I can’t wait until I get you home” or sending a sexy text during the day can really spice things up.

Not only will trying new things make sex more interesting, the willingness to open up and share your fantasies also improves your sexual connection.


4. The benefits of predictability are endless.

Having a predictable sexual relationship can be exciting when handled correctly. Knowing that your sexual experiences are ongoing takes some of the pressure off the sex being performance based. There is no need to make each encounter more mind blowing than the next.

This allows couples to just enjoy being together, sharing an experience of closeness and having fun together. If you fall into a sexual rut you can explore what’s contributing to the rut and make changes because the emotional security of monogamy is present.


This is where comfort in telling our partners our desires really pays off. You might decide to try something your partner has wanted to do but you have not been willing to try in the past. Giving to your partner in this way can be very sexy. Love sometimes is about giving to our partners exclusively and feeling good because they feel loved.

While it does take some thought and effort, monogamy can be the biggest aphrodisiac of all. When you consider the amount of loneliness and isolation in the world, having someone in your life that you count on makes life more meaningful and complete.

Having emotional openness, tenderness, and physical affection with eroticism allows you to have a fulfilling love life. You get the opportunity to communicate on a different level and tune into each others needs. The sex become more fulfilling as time goes on. Thus, the exclusivity will truly allow you to have the sexiest love life of them all.

RELATED: Is Monogamy Realistic? Why We Need To Completely Rethink Monogamous Relationships


Stuart Fensterheim is a marriage and family counselor with a private practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. His practice is exclusive to individuals, couples and families who are having relationship difficulties.

Kanya Daley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a Private Practice in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Her work has been syndicated by the Huffington Post and Fox News Magazine. ​