The Art Of Self-Compassion: 9 Simple Habits Of People Who Forgive Themselves Easily
They don't dwell on their mistakes and shortcomings.
Look Studio | Unsplash Being human is complicated and misunderstandings arise, no matter what you do. You are human. You are imperfect. Being imperfect is part of being a person. You have nothing to be ashamed of, so allow yourself compassion. You learn through trial and error. You make mistakes. You learn from your mistakes.
They only become a problem if you don’t learn from them. Often, you mess up when you are tired and frustrated. The closer you are to people, the more likely you are to release your anger and frustration on them. Sometimes you do something with good intentions, and it doesn’t work out in the way you expected. You still feel you let people down. Give yourself grace and self-compassion. Here's how.
Here are the nine simple habits of people who forgive themselves easily:
1. They own their shadow side
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Your shadow side is that part of yourself that is difficult to acknowledge. It might be that you don’t like the way you look. It might be that you don’t want to admit you have anger issues. It might be that you don’t want to accept the fact that you abuse your body. It might be that you hate your job.
Owning your shadow side is all about fully accepting all of who you are, both positive, negative, and in-between. Remember that your imperfections don’t take away your humanity. Instead, they make you the unique individual you are.
When you love all of yourself, often the issues/situations where you have been less than can be transformed. The emotions and sensations of well-being become a reality. You can experience prosperity when you experience the vast wisdom of your body, feelings, and mind.
Research demonstrates that individuals with higher levels of self-acceptance show greater resilience in the face of stress and adversity. The findings suggest that self-acceptance decreased mortality risk by 19% and added three years of life.
2. They are honest with themselves
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Shining the light on your shadow side is the first step towards healing. Accepting your shadow side is your call for radical honesty. Radical honesty is a time when you can celebrate all your weaknesses and strengths. Radical honesty is a time to celebrate your humanity, making you the unique and beautiful person you are.
Being honest with yourself is to celebrate all the good you have done and are contributing to the world. It is also the time to admit when you have fallen short of your own and other people’s expectations.
It is about allowing yourself to feel the ups and downs of your emotions in your heart and the sensations of your body. The more you can be with these human experiences, the more you will be able to forgive yourself.
3. They learn from their mistakes
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A mistake can suddenly become an excellent opportunity for growth. Try calling a mistake an opportunity. See if rephrasing the word changes the way you feel about it.
When you are evaluating a mistake you make, discern what you could have done differently. What difference would this make in how the situation worked out? What would help you to respond differently?
Take a moment to discern the good that came out of your experience. Think of this so-called mistake has added more tools to your life toolbox. When you experience handling a similar situation in the future, give yourself some positive feedback.
Reframing mistakes as feedback or opportunities rather than failures can significantly reduce the emotional turmoil of setbacks, allowing us to approach errors with curiosity and a problem-solving mentality instead of harsh self-judgment. Self-compassion research shows that individuals who practice self-acceptance after making a mistake demonstrate greater self-reported and observer-rated personal improvement.
4. They apologize to those they have hurt
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There is no way to get around the reality that you are going to hurt someone, whether or not intentionally or not. Forgiveness requires a genuine heartfelt apology. But please only apologize for something you did wrong. Don’t use this tactic as a tool to appease others. Just because someone gets upset with you doesn’t automatically mean you are responsible.
Apologies always go more profound when you can demonstrate to those you have impacted in some real, concrete way. Usually, it is enough just to show them how you have changed through your interactions with them. They will know if you are taking your apology seriously.
5. They remember all the good they've done
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You are a whole person. You can not just divide yourself into good and bad parts. You are beautiful and sophisticated. You are a vast body of emotions, sensations, thoughts, and spirit.
While I am encouraging you to fully experience your shadow side, you also need to soak up the best you have done for others and the Earth. Notice it, feel it, and enjoy the energy of your goodness. Don’t take for granted all the small acts of kindness you share each day. There is nothing too little. They all make a difference in the world.
Research indicates that prosocial action not only leads to positive emotional states but may create a positive feedback loop. Acknowledging personal strengths and engaging in activities that boost self-esteem are effective strategies for enhancing self-image, and a healthy self-concept involves a balanced and realistic perception of oneself.
6. They find small, meaningful ways to let go of guilt
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In an era where many have no religious affiliation, you may not have a ceremony to help you make meaning out of the ups and downs of life. Ritual is a great tool to help you make peace with your humanity. Rituals don’t have to be complicated.
It could be as simple as making time every day for a family meal where you take time to hear about each person's day, whether good, bad, or indifferent. Having a meal together, whether with a friend, spouse, or family, helps you to feel that you are part of something more significant and your humanity reflected in each other in all its glory and messiness.
7. They discover tools to help them befriend themselves
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There are many tools available to you that can help you to be present, grounded in your body, heart, and mind. I invite you to find one that works for you. I highly recommend the Enneagram personality tool. I love it because it helps you to be in your body, heart, and mind without any judgment. It helps you to be more forgiving of yourself because it points out where you are more likely to get stuck.
More importantly, the tool shows you and encourages you to get out of your box. It provides you with clues to get healthier and gives you signs when you need to take better care of yourself. Also, it helps you to understand other people. Learning about their personality helps you to have as much compassion for them as you have for yourself.
Understanding personality patterns can facilitate empathy, which is crucial for effective interpersonal functioning and has been shown to involve both cognitive perspective-taking and affective emotional response components. Research in positive psychology demonstrates that self-compassion is positively associated with life satisfaction, wisdom, happiness, optimism, emotional resilience, and social connectedness.
8. They honor their body with good food and exercise
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Look at your life. Are you eating healthy food? Are you eating enough or too much? Do you exercise your body? Do you care for your mind by quieting it down? Have you tried to meditate? There are so many ways to meditate. I like Centering Prayer because you don’t have to, entirely, empty your mind. You just need to prevent your busy mind from getting in the way of your inner peace.
Mindfulness is another form of meditation that is similar to Centering Prayer. Mindfulness helps you learn to focus your attention on what is going on in yourself. It is about learning to allow the curious part of yourself to go deeper into what is going on in your psyche.
9. They remember they're part of something much bigger
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You might do this through being part of a religious/spiritual community such as a church, synagogue, mosque, or temple. The important message here is that you are not alone in this human experience.
If you are among the many without a religious background to ground yourself in ritual, try out simple acts of community building as part of learning how to forgive yourself. Enjoy a meal with someone you care for. Acknowledge what is going on in each other’s lives, no matter how positive or negative it might seem.
Sharing simple gifts with those we care about can help us and others to acknowledge the bond we have with each other, no matter how easy or hard life is. It is all about celebrating the messiness and wonder of your humanity.
Studies consistently show that social support has both direct and buffering effects on psychological well-being, with social connectedness providing the emotional support, sense of belonging, and feelings of being loved and valued that are critical for mental wellness. Experiencing high levels of meaning in life is associated with life satisfaction, hope, optimism, resilience, better health, greater achievement, and stronger personal relationships.
You are on a journey full of richness, surprises, disappointments, and wonder. If you embrace your human journey, you will find joy, meaning, and purpose.
You will find a deep reservoir of emotional strength and wisdom to get you through the rough times. Not only get through the turbulent times, but you will also fall in love with life.
So every time you feel like you are getting hard on yourself, I invite you to be with those sensations, emotions, and thoughts, making peace with them. While you are doing this, I encourage you to breathe deeply and slowly. Being gentle with yourself gives you the room to face your fears and insecurities.
You don’t need to run away from those intense, uncomfortable feelings. When you face them, they will lose their power over you. If you hold on to them, they will get worse.
You can choose to be your best friend. It will take you time to change your habits, attitude, and insecurities, but with time and practice, you can find a new life.
So go and fall in love with life! Be your best friend! Be gentle with your imperfections. Remember, they are what make you uniquely yourself.
Roland Legge is an author, certified spiritual life coach, and teacher of the Enneagram. He helps people connect to their inner selves and find alignment with their highest purpose and values.
