5 Things To Remember When You're Co-Parenting To Raise Healthy And Happy Kids With Your Ex

Don't make your kids feel like pawns, messengers, or casualties of your divorce.

By Rhoberta Shaler, PhD — Written on Jul 20, 2015

Photo: Sai de Silva/unsplash

5 Things To Remember When You're Co-Parenting To Raise Healthy And Happy Kids With Your Ex

In a perfect world, after divorce, your children would only know that life is more peaceful with two homes and that they miss the parent they are not with.

That's it. That's how it should go.

Co-parenting is all about the children, not about your relationship with your ex.

So, how do you successfully raise healthy and happy kids when you don't get along with your former partner?

Though it's not always easy, children need to know and feel that they are more important than any conflict that is — or, hopefully, was — between their parents.

Making sure they feel that way is what effective, conscious co-parenting is all about.

When you co-parent well, you eliminate exposing the children to adult relationship issues.

They know mom and dad are not together and choose to live apart. Your job is to reassure them that you both love them and will do all you can to keep their lives as normal as possible.

No details required.

Not only do they not need details about the split-up, but you risk jeopardizing their relationship with their other parent when you do share them. And, that's not fair to the kids!

They will have questions. Answer them in the most age-appropriate way (for their ages, not yours) to help them understand the most general issues. No specifics.

Children have enough upset to contend with when parents separate.

It's enough to deal with moving, losing time with their friends, missing the non-custodial parent, feeling uncertain about what's going on, and not having the right things at the right house.

These are kid concerns.

Children do not and should not be hearing about adult issues. They should never hear one parent say anything negative about the other, directly or within earshot.

In California, every divorce settlement states that clearly And, lawyers hearing that this happened can and will interpret this as parental alienation. And that's not good for anyone!

Whether or not divorcing was a shared decision or something that happened to you, it's what you're doing now. It's the reality.

Not engaging your kids in the ongoing details of the conflict, the disappointments, or the anger is important.

It's not easy, but you're an adult and that's what a wise adult who deeply cares about the well-being of the children would do.

You and your ex may have different parenting styles but you both have the same goal: to raise your child to be the best they can be.

So, to help you stay focused on what is important, here are 5 clear goals to guide you.

1. "I am the model I want my children to follow. Therefore, everything I do and say demonstrates who I want my children to strive towards becoming."

2. "I communicate with my ex in the way I wish for them to communicate with me. I choose collaboration and conversation, over conflict and acrimony."

3. "I focus on my children and what keeps them healthy — physically, mentally, and emotionally. That includes doing what is in their best interest first."

4. "I turn my attention from what I don't like about my ex to what they do well for the children. It's about the kids, not what my personal issues are with my ex."

5. "I allow my children to enjoy their childhood and ensure they're only concerned with age-appropriate thoughts, feelings, and actions. I protect them from being pawns, messengers, or casualties of my divorce."

Being your best self as a parent can prove difficult when everything in you wants to blame, shame, and complain. I know. I've been divorced with children, too.