11 Wise Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Was Drowning In Shame Over My Divorce
Repeat after us: There's no shame in divorce.
Los Muertos Crew | Canva The stigma attached to the "D" word can make a woman feel a little ashamed. She’s failed at marriage, at being a good wife, and feels guilty for letting down the children and breaking the vow of "till death do us part.
When those vows were written in mid-16th-century England, people were getting married in their teens and only living another decade or two, if they were lucky. Today, we live into our 80s and 90s. That’s a big difference in decades to be happily married "for better or worse, till death do us part".
No wonder so many of us are getting divorced. We live much longer, and as people with a wonderful reality to live in, we have the whole world at our fingertips to see, dream, and explore.
Here are eleven wise things I wish someone had told me when I was drowning in shame over my divorce:
1. It's not easy to 'just get over it'
Divorce is one of the most stressful life events ever, next to someone dying. The only thing is that you go through a similar grief cycle, and yet, the person you are grieving is still alive. (Not that we want them dead, no really, we don’t.)
As divorce coach Karen Finn put it, "It doesn't matter which side of the divorce decision you’re on or the reason for the decision. The end of a marriage that began with dreams of happily ever after is heartbreaking. It’s okay to experience grief after a divorce. Grief after a divorce is profound because the end of your marriage means your entire life must change — whether you want it to or not."
2. The business side of divorce is daunting
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The great unknown. What do you do next? Who do you trust and reach out to first? What are your legal rights? How much is this going to cost?
Seeing your lawyer or mediator for the first time is daunting. No one can be prepared for the conversations you are about to have around finances and parenting. But what you fear facing needs to be dealt with.
"Finding clarity around what you want, empowerment to ask for it, and a laser focus on what is most important will ensure you’re finally making this change work for you," advised divorce coach Laura Miolla. "You are not at the mercy of the waves and the current. You’re not drowning."
3. You will learn more about yourself
This is life's biggest learning curve. If there’s ever a time in your life you are going to learn more about someone else, other family and friends, and, more importantly, yourself, this is the time.
You will question and second-guess pretty much everything. What does marriage mean? Where did you go wrong (you didn’t, by the way)? How could this happen to you? You get the drift. There’s a fair chance you’ll see the good, the bad, and the toxic in some people’s behavior. Remember, there are lessons to be learned.
4. You will show your children the reality of relationships
When D-day comes around to legally dissolve the marriage, you are likely still in a relationship with your former partner until death do you part (those vows again!) when there are children involved.
You will have to see each other, and you will have to talk to each other. You will bite your tongue more than you’d want to. You will be setting an example for your children, remember that. Know that loving your former partner allows you to fully love your children.
Life coach Lisa Petsinis explained, "We are showing our children that it's OK to hurt and to be hurt, it's OK to fight or be overpowered, it's OK to feel empty or alone, or it's OK to be angry rather than be at peace. Our children are watching."
5. You are broken open, but you will heal
Most of us have some idea that marriage isn’t what you signed up for anymore. Counseling didn’t work. You are pretty much feeling alone and confused. Your world has been shaken upside down and inside out. Who do you even trust?
Then, you pick yourself up, you rise, and you live many more days because divorce will make your life better.
6. You can rebuild your life
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Many women I’ve spoken to have had to go back to full-time work to support their families. However, some have been out of work for so long that they have to learn a new skill for a completely new industry.
Financially, it can take a lot longer for a woman to rebuild and re-establish herself and her career, as supported by a study in American Sociological Review. All while juggling the little people, dealing with the role of solo parent, and having a life. Not only is divorce a financial rebuild, but it's also a confidence do-over.
7. You can redefine your identity
You’ve gone from a Mrs. to a Ms., married to separated and then divorced (or unmarried, as I prefer to say). The other half of the ex. Half the family as you knew it may now be the outlaws. The ring comes off, and sometimes the gloves go on.
Who are you? You may wonder. Your family now looks different, your place of love. What happens to the home, your place of safety? What will everyone think or say about you?
You are amazing, and you are enough. Your identity, on a subconscious level, has had a bit of a shakeup. Redefine who you are and set some new standards.
8. Sharing care of the children means more free time
Dealing with time away from your children can be one of the hardest things for both parents to deal with. Different or new rules in the other home for the little people, and then different and new people too.
What happens when your little people aren’t with you? You have no control over it, so you need to let go of that, which can be challenging for some women. Then, to figure out what to do with the time by yourself? Look at the flip side, what fun can you get up to in that time to fill up your cup?
9. You learn the "C" word
Concede is what I mean. Maybe you’ve had to concede on a few things, like who gets the house or the car, who lives where, and who does what. There is generally no ‘fair’ ground in divorce, only what is seen as equitable by the law, as explored by a study from the University of Richmond School of Law.
When you let go of the resistance, the push and pull of the tug-of-war, there is no more war. Maybe there is more peace?
10. You learn forgiveness
We master the art of forgiveness so that the peace we are looking for has room to reside in our bodies, minds, souls, and hearts. We let go of anger and we choose to be the bigger person, to take some emotional control and find our inner happiness.
11. You can start over
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Life begins again. In time, you’ll be ready. You’ll get out there and experience all the fun, the things you never did, and tick off bucket list items. You’ll get more social and live the life you are meant to have.
Can you see how a divorced woman has absolutely zero to be ashamed of? Divorce will shake you up, bring you down, and then have you rise one more time, just to see what you’re made of. Sometimes, it will be a clean break and not too much mess to pick up from. I wish that for you and your children.
Either way, there is stuff and all sorts to deal with, and a woman who goes through any, all, or more of the above and lives to smile another day is someone to be proud of.
It takes courage to end one relationship, so you can go on and find a better one with the person you see in the mirror. It takes loving yourself more than the one you are married to because, in a way, you both deserve better or different. You both deserve to be happy. And that is OK.
The world has changed a lot in a few hundred or so years since those archaic wedding vows were originally written. Now, don’t get me wrong, being a proud divorcee and all, I still love the idea of a committed relationship, and perhaps someday, another walk down the aisle.
What is there really to be ashamed of anyway? Whenever I think ‘shame’, then I must read what my ‘go-to person’ researcher, Dr. Brene Brown, says about it: Shame is, "The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."
That’s a big burden to bear if you were to take on that feeling of shame for your marriage ending in divorce. Are you a bad person? I think otherwise. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time, and even if that means leaving a marriage or feeling like you were left.
With that in mind, there is no reason for feeling ashamed for getting divorced. She’s a mother, a worker, maybe her boss, she is the CEO of her home, she shops, she cleans, she fixes, she cooks, and she becomes the world’s best juggler.
A divorced woman is someone to be reckoned with. Coming out the other side, she knows who she is and what she stands for. She knows the dark days and the light days. She knows fear and she knows love. She knows sorrow and she knows joy.
Renee Catt is a certified business and personal coach, a nationally accredited mediator with a diploma in Dispute Resolution, and the leading female relationship coach in Australia, specializing in separation and divorce issues.
