9 Steps To Showing The Most Important Person In Your Life Real LOVE

Photo: Photo by Riccardo Lugermad on Unsplash
how to love yourself when self-care doesn't work

Knowing how to love yourself is hard.

It's even harder when you don't know self-love really looks like in the first place.

If you knew how to love yourself  and knew what self-love could do for you — I have no doubt that you’d have started long ago.

Self-love is not the same as self-care, and when I look online to learn what others say about self-love, it mostly sounds like self-care to me.

I love self-care, too. It’s an essential step before you are able to love yourself. So by all means, keep caring for yourself!

If you have not been taking good care of yourself, you need to make self-care a conscious practice first.

If you’ve been practicing a lack of self-love, you may need a good dose of self-care to first heal the pain this practice has caused you.

True self-love is not a part time job, you know. You can't do it halfway.

Here's why.

When you only love part or even half of yourself, then what about the rest of you? What happens to the other parts?

How do they get in your way of living a fulfilled life, aligned with your deepest truth?

True self-love is several steps wider, and many steps deeper, than self-care.

When you truly learn how to love yourself you can’t leave any part of yourself out.

True self-love soothes the ache that lives in your soul  the deep yearning for your original state of oneness with your self as the Divine.

Yes, I know —  it’s a mouthful, isn’t it!?

What if it really is true that self-love can heal the split caused by all the parts you’ve disowned, judged, shamed and compromised in your life?

What if self-love can connect you back to wholeness and oneness with the Divine, so you can receive the fruits of fulfillment from the inside out?

Would it be worth a try?

If you say yes, then let’s take small steps and make them bite-size to help you digest and embody every part, so you never have to go hungry for love again.

So, how do you get right with your soul?

The problem with most self-care rituals is that they usually consist of ways to care for your physical self, by doing things like taking a bath or getting a massage.

I’m all for massages, especially when you are aching or need help relaxing. I love them as much as anyone. However, this question remains: “Is it enough?”

A massage can't reach the depth of the ache that lives in your soul, keeping you from compromising your truth, your values, and your wisdom.

How will you soothe and love the compromised parts that weren’t touched by the massage? Have you asked these parts what they need to find their true expression in this world, no matter what anyone else says?

This, dear one, is what the deepest self-love is about: Liberating your true self —  your soul  from the confines of compromise, sameness, and trying to fit in.

Unless you also address the deeper tension in your soul, a regular massage is often just another way to ignore your soul's attempts to reach you, in the hopes they’ll go away?

A massage may be like giving an ice cream to a child, hoping it will stop the crying.

Your soul’s mission:

True self-love is soul love.

It’s honoring and loving who you are at the core, and opening up a way for your soul to come alive again.

That’s why a regular massage can’t make this deep tension go away, and won’t stop your ‘child’ from crying. Because they are signs to help you turn back to your soul.

Your soul has a different agenda than compromising, fitting in and pleasing others. Your soul is on a different mission, and it’s not going to let you go.

It’s your soul that you are longing for, and your search for peace and fulfillment can’t stop until you reconnect with your soul.

Self-love is about how you treat yourself, honor your values, listen to your needs and longings, and live in alignment with the promptings of your soul.

That, to me, is a soul massage, because it reaches the place that aches for divine fulfillment and unique expression. It opens the door for your true self to step out.

You can't get rid of what you don't like about yourself. Here's why. 

Years ago, when I started as a Hakomi Practitioner and started seeing clients, I noticed a consistent behavior: They judged themselves, didn’t like themselves and doubted themselves, all while thinking they just needed to change or get rid of ‘this little thing’ about themselves that they didn’t like, and then life would be better.

They were not aware that this behavior was exactly what was standing in the way of what they wanted or hoped for.

Trying to get rid of something you don’t like is a common practice that may work in some areas, but not for good. 

You can’t get rid of anything, really, because there’s nowhere for it to go. You can move it around, suppress it, ship it across the oceans and project it onto someone else. But getting rid of it?

Where do you think the impact of your self-neglect and criticism could go when you try to get rid of it?

Out of sight, out of mind?

Or maybe: Out of sight, trapped in the body!

When you stop trying to change, judge or get rid of yourself, you can transform and change the energy into something more sustainable and enjoyable.

So if you want to learn how to love yourself, please stop trying to get rid of yourself or any part of yourself for that matter.

It’s not loving and it doesn’t work in the long run. It’s not sustainable.

Love, however, is.

Every single little part of you that is afraid, angry, sad, lonely, unhappy, or ashamed is lacking one thing. This one thing will make every single little part feel safe, happy, relaxed, connected and confident.

Yes, of course, this one thing is love.

They need love.

Everything thrives on love, and nothing survives without it ... but knowing this is not enough.

You can read books about it, listen to talks, attend workshops and understand why it’s important, but it’s not enough, is it? You need to know HOW! You need practical steps to learn this new skill.

If you want to learn how to love yourself in addition to practicing self-care, you need to be willing to do the opposite of what the whole world is doing —  and that takes some courage and a big dose of commitment.

Here’s why that is important.

When you commit to loving yourself, you need to be aware of the following obstacles that will easily tempt you to turn back to your old behaviors if you don’t ‘catch them'.

Your commitment and courage will catch them.

Here are a few things you should know about the process of learning how to love yourself:

1. Going against the stream is not easy if you feel alone and unsupported.

I’ve done plenty of it myself and have learned it’s so much easier and more fulfilling to walk it with someone who’s walked the path before you and knows how to support you.

Lack of self-love would make you believe you need to be able to do it all on your own.

Love says: “Don’t you believe that!”


2. You’re going to feel different than everyone else because you’ll step out of an old paradigm that needs you to be like them.

Be willing and resolved in your commitment to love yourself and stand out as different.

I know it will look good on you, but others may not like it.


3. Making a sharp u-turn like that is going against a strong familiar momentum.

You may feel exhausted or discouraged when things don’t just flow in the beginning.

If you don’t know how to stay connected to your commitment, you’ll soon run out of energy and go back to the crowds and try to be like them.


4. Old patterns don’t just disappear or go away.

They need to be transformed.

If you run into trying to get rid of these patterns again, it’s because that’s all you have known up until now.

Be gentle with yourself if you find yourself doing that again. It takes time to transform energy and learn new ways.

Self-love is the way to make those transformations. 

So let’s start: here are 9 steps that can help you learn how to love yourself.

1. First, you need to be sure you really want to learn to love yourself.

How deeply do you yearn for a soul massage?

Choose to dive into this yearning in your heart and be nourished and strengthened by it on a daily basis.

This simple practice is more important than you can imagine. It’s what will keep you moving forward, especially when you run into challenges.


2. Give yourself permission to become a ‘new you'.

Be brave and willing to stand out as someone who wants to stop the momentum of compromise, pleasing others and ignoring your own needs.

Get support in this resolution and find some self-love buddies to walk this new path with, so you don’t walk it alone.

It’s very loving to yourself to find the right support.


3. Slow down enough so you can become aware of one area in your life where you keep compromising yourself and ignoring your own truth.

What if you choose to stop that behavior for just one day, and instead get curious about what matters to you for once?

Have your self-love buddies root for you, so it’s not so scary.


4. Listen deeply to the ache in your soul of how painful it has been to be ignored all this time, all while your Soul knows exactly what will make you happy.

Listen deeply, listen with love, listen with an open heart and take it seriously.

Share it with your self-love buddies, so you can celebrate what you hear.


5. Give this ache a soul massage with your loving words and caring attention.

“I am so sorry I’ve ignored you for so long. No wonder you are angry. No wonder a massage (or a drink, a workout, a candy bar) can only cover up your attempts to get my attention. I am so sorry. Please talk to me. I am finally willing to listen.”

Share it with your self-love buddies, so they can add other loving ‘moves’ to this massage.


6. Now listen deeply to what you feel.

Do you know how your body tells you ‘no’? Do you how your body speaks when it says ‘yes’?

Slow down before you answer or make a choice. Take your time to tune into yourself first. Why be in a rush?

You are not responsible for other people’s impatience or demands. Somehow we are all feeling rushed just because others are, but that is not loving to yourself is it?

Use any opportunity to find your truth, your ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ before you respond to anyone.

You have the right to take your time to find out what is really your truth in each situation. It may be a little scary in the beginning, but totally loving to yourself!

Check in with your self-love buddies if you need to be reminded that it’s OK to do what is right for you.


7. Do you feel ready to take a leap and follow your own yearning now?

How about a little test run? Wouldn’t it be interesting to see what happens when you say "No" to someone who asks for your help , because you need your help too?

Notice how feelings of fear, guilt, and obligation try to whip you back into submission and make you ignore your own inner expression that wants to take birth.

Make sure you receive support in your new endeavor from your self-love buddies, to help give birth to the new you in a graceful way.


8. Take small steps when you start aligning your actions with your Soul.

Small steps build confidence and trust.

Your soul speaks through your senses and through your longings and has your best interest in mind.

Your soul does not compromise her truth, nor does she try to fit in.

She is bold and bright and beautiful and has a wonderful plan for you. She helps you love all the places that you have ignored and disowned until now.

She helps you move through the fears so you can align with this plan and become the expression you always wanted to be.


9. When you walk this path hand in hand with your self-love buddies, you become a brighter light for your soul.

Together you can shine this light into the world that is still up against that wall, right before they too take the leap to listen to their truth, their ‘yes’ and their ‘no’ and become another soul beacon in a world whose light has almost lost its flame.

Pernilla Lillarose is a Self-Love Mystic & Mentor at Divine Feminine Flow. Feel free to contact her for a free 30 min. Discovery Session to learn if her Self Love Mentoring can help you experience more Love, Peace, and Joy in your life and how true Self Love can turn your whole life around. Also, download Pernilla's book, 5 Steps To Dive Into The Divine Feminine Flow which will help with the next phase of self-love.