How To Find Your Soulmate & Make This Your Last Single Valentine's Day Ever
Dating advice for finding love that lasts.
getty Another Valentine’s Day, and another year you’re feeling frustrated with your love life. Why is learning how to find your soulmate so complicated?
You could celebrate Single’s Awareness Day, or you could get together with friends and complain about holidays created by greeting card companies and drown your sorrows in another cosmo. But V-day doesn’t have to be something to hate or to avoid, even if you haven't found your soulmate ... yet.
Instead, you can use this February 14th to create a plan that helps you find your soulmate, so it'll be the last year you're single on Valentine’s Day.
How? The best dating advice is to set your intention, create a plan, and execute it.
Contrary to popular belief, love does not operate under different universal laws as everything else in life. You wouldn’t expect the ideal career to just show up in your life, or to wake up one morning fit and in shape; yet, this is the myth we’ve all come to believe when it comes to finding your soulmate.
It’s true that you cannot manipulate another person into behaving the way you would like and there are some circumstances that are way beyond your control, but you can set yourself up to be lucky in love — if you believe that luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
Here's the best dating advice on how to find your soulmate, so it'll be the last year you're single on Valentine's Day.
1. Look into your past relationships — and learn from them.
The way to ensure that this will be the last Valentine’s Day that you’re without your beloved is to take a deep dive into your own personal relationship history. Understanding your past patterns and strategies in relationships will give you insight into how to approach things differently this time.
Ask yourself these questions about your past relationships, and write down your answers:
- Who pursued whom?
- How long did the relationship last?
- Rate the intensity for you on a scale of 1-10
- Who initiated the breakup?
- What was the catalyst for the breakup? (reasons given)
Review your answers for each relationship and look for patterns and/or commonalities. Are you the one who usually initiates the break up, or are you the one left feeling abandoned? When you did not initiate the break up, is there a common catalyst given to you by multiple partners?
Digging into your specific relationship patterns gives you insight into what worked and what didn’t, and how to do things differently moving forward..
2. Embrace any emotions that come up.
Doing this exercise will also probably bring up a lot of old emotions. Feel them. Don’t try to hide from them or ignore them. Allow them to surface and flow through you — they won’t last forever. Allow the emotions to move through your body, feel them and then let them go.
When going over your past history, you may find that there is still some hurt, anger, sadness, or grief about past situations. You may feel this way about the other person, or you may feel this way about your behavior in the relationship.
3. Let go, so you can start to move on.
With all of these emotions resurfacing, this is a great opportunity to forgive yourself for the past, release those trapped feelings and start fresh.
One of the most powerful forgiveness practices is a Hawaiian meditation, called Ho’oponopono. The word "pono" in Hawaiian means righteousness or integrity. Like its name suggests, practicing Ho’oponopono is to come into integrity with yourself. Doing this practice will allow you to forgive, as well as release hurts and heartbreaks from your past relationships.
Follow these steps to practice Ho’oponopono:
- Place your palms on the center of your chest — your heart center.
- Close your eyes and picture the person you wish to focus on. This may be a past partner or it may be an earlier version of you.
- Repeat these phrases:
- "I’m sorry."
- "Please forgive me."
- "Thank you."
- "I love you."
- Repeat for 5-10 minutes daily.
Releasing your past hurts frees you from your old dynamic allowing you to create a new one moving forward. Now, you’re ready to start looking for love and dating differently than you’ve done in the past.
4. Slow down, and date a variety of people.
Most people only suffer through dating long enough to find someone they’re attracted to, and then rush into exclusivity hoping it works out.
You need to slow things down. Date a lot of people. Date a full range of people — some that you’re very attracted to, some that you’re not attracted to at all, and those that you are moderately attracted to. Don't rush into exclusivity. Take your time.
The reason you’re dating so much is that you want to collect data about yourself. You want to be able to compare your behavior on a date with someone you’re not attracted to vs. someone you are really attracted to.
As you're going on dates with different types of people, ask yourself:
- Are you more able to be authentic when you are not attracted to your date?
- When you are attracted to your date, do you twist into a pretzel trying to get that one person to like you?
- Do you go with the flow and tolerate things just so that you come across as easy going?
Going on a lot of dates with a variety of people will help your formulate a crystal clear vision of the kind of soulmate relationship you desire. This process will allow you to become more discerning of who you give your heart to in the future.
5. Express your needs — and see how they respond.
Don't forget: The person you're getting to know is a stranger, so don’t put your lovability (or even your likeability) in the hands of a stranger.
When you are dating someone new, make a point to share requests and ask for what you want in a relationship. Don’t be shy, and don’t expect the other person to read your mind. The only way to get what you want is to ask for it.
Pay attention to how the person you are dating responds to you. How they behave and treat you under a variety of circumstances will inform you about the kind of person they are and what a long-term relationship with them might be like.
Don’t shy away from the uncomfortable conversations, either. You want to know if the two of you can navigate conflict together.
6. Define what a soulmate relationship is to you.
All of this data you're collecting will help you understand how you want your soulmate relationship to function. You’ll get clear on what your desired dynamic is between you and your beloved, and then you can evaluate if someone is a match to your vision.
Many dating coaches advise you to create a list of what you want in a soulmate and to place your order with the universe — as if that tall, dark-haired, emotionally healthy but sexually adventurous person can be conjured out of thin air.
But it is more important to know specifically how you want your soulmate relationship to function and the dynamic you desire between the two of you. This will help you attract your soulmate and recognize him when you meet him.
The details about the person — how much money they make, what kind of car they drive, etc. — are irrelevant and don't assist you in creating a lasting, loving partnership between soulmates.
7. Look deeper for shared values.
The information you collect about yourself while dating will bring to light what you drives you in your intimate relationships — what you truly value.
When your values are a match with your partner's, then you can navigate the inevitable challenges that life will bring your way together. What often tears people apart is a stressful event or situation that reveals that the two of you didn’t really value the same things to begin with.
Knowing you share values is so much more important than the kind of movies or music you like. And the best way to discover what someone values is by spending time with them and paying attention to how they spend their resources.
For example, people value what they spend their time, energy, and money on. Someone may claim to value family, yet never make an effort to include you in their family events.
8. Visualize your soulmate relationship.
As you get clear on how your soulmate relationship functions, you’ll want to put some time and energy visualizing yourself living your life alongside your beloved.
Hold the vision of what you desire in your mind’s eye often. Begin to act as if you know that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, your soulmate is on their way to you.
9. Say "yes."
All of the previous steps were just the preparation. The opportunity to find your soulmate comes when you put effort into meeting new people.
Look for reasons to say “yes":
- Yes to a date
- Yes to online dating
- Yes to go to a party where you don’t know anyone
- Yes to being curious about people
- Yes to being set up on a blind date
Put yourself out there. Be curious and open. Say "yes" and date often, but take things slowly and don’t give your heart away to a stranger. Take time to discover who a person really is. Make them earn the benefit of the doubt.
Do not attempt to determine who is a match for you or who isn't, until you’ve been out with them several times. You may discover things about yourself you didn’t realize, as you get to know them better.
Plus, you cannot spot a soulmate in an in online profile. Nothing is real until you meet face-to-face in person. Even video chatting will not let you know if this guy is your “Mr. Right.” Emotional connection is established when you’re in the physical presence of the other person.
And, since every person you meet knows other people you’ve never met before, a guy you meet online and have coffee with might not work out — but he may end up being the one to introduce you to your ideal mate.
Taking your time through the dating process will eliminate the burn out from having short-term relationships that don’t last and keep sending you back into the dating pool over and over again.
This dating strategy will allow you to create the long-lasting, soul-satisfying love you desire and will ensure that this is the last Valentine’s Day you’re single.
Orna and Matthew Walters work together as soulmate coaches for spiritual, successful, resilient women who have everything except the man of their dreams. For more information, download their free special report, 7 Major Mistakes Single Women Make That Block Them From Having True Love — And How to Avoid Them.