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Stop obsessing over your ex and discover how to love again.
By Orna & Matthew Walters — Written on Aug 23, 2020
Are you struggling to figure out how to stop thinking of your ex so can let them go? How do you heal a broken heart, when all you can think about is how he made you feel and why he left?
One of the most painful aspects of any breakup is the fear that you did something to push him away.
Don’t despair!
There's a way out of your pain. You don’t have to feel heartbroken forever. In fact, a love that is even greater is waiting for you on the other side of your healing journey.
Here are 6 steps to stop thinking about your ex, heal your heart, and discover love again.
1. Cut out the source of your pain.
The first step is acknowledging your behaviors that are making things worse.
Maybe you check on him on social media or drive by his place to see what he’s doing. Maybe he texts or calls to see how you're doing, but is unwilling to get back together.
It feels impossible to not respond when he reaches out.
All of this is keeping the wound in your heart from healing, making you unable to focus on anything else. Your sleep, work, and physical and mental health begin to suffer.
Cut off all contact. If you share children, have as minimal contact as possible. Keep it unemotional and all about logistics.
Block him on all social media to deter your urge to check in on him.
Change his name in your phone to "Do Not Answer," so you'll know what to do when he calls or texts. Set boundaries by letting him know to cease all contact with you.
Stop driving by his place, checking his status, or reading over past texts and emails. Your heart is an open wound, and any contact is just keeping that wound fresh as you pick at it like a scab.
Cutting off all contact is ending the source of your pain and time will allow that scab to form and your heart to heal.
2. Get clear on why you’re obsessing over him.
One of the biggest myths about romantic love is that there's only one person for you, and your job is to find him and keep him.
If it doesn’t work out, then you failed and there's something wrong with you. You may even begin to believe that lasting love isn’t meant for you.
The attachment that you have to him isn’t actually about him — it's an attachment to a feeling that you believe only he is capable of giving you.
Your obsession with him is an obsession to get that feeling back, which is an impossible task.
The truth is, these feelings have nothing to do with him. They come from a wounding story that is much older than your relationship with him.
Your attraction to him is based on a subconscious belief that you have about yourself. This wound comes from your childhood and created in your family of origin.
Your attraction to him comes from the part of you that's looking for him to prove to yourself that you're lovable.
If he would take you back, then the belief that you're not good enough wouldn’t be true. If he takes you back, then maybe you're lovable.
Heal your broken heart by turning the focus away from him and towards healing your childhood wounds.
3. Understand that you didn’t do anything wrong.
Part of your obsession with him is a belief that you did something wrong to push him away.
Maybe you weren’t capable of meeting his needs. Maybe you said or did something that created a wedge between the two of you.
Maybe he left you for someone else, and you find yourself constantly wondering why he prefers this new stranger over you. These thoughts are not useful and keep you stuck.
Your soulmate will love you despite whatever conflicts arise and whatever you may say or do. If it didn’t work out because of something you said or did, then he wasn't the right man for you.
Conflict will arise in every relationship. No couple skips the Power Struggle Stage of relationship that comes after the Romance Stage.
Just because you’re not perfect doesn’t mean that you don’t get lasting love — it's your imperfections that make you lovable. They are the things that make you uniquely you.
Learn to love all the parts of you — the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Accept yourself your imperfections, and forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you may have made. You cannot release your self-judgment without finding compassion for your humanness.
This is the path to feeling whole and complete, all on your own, so you can bring in a whole and complete partner who's well-matched for you.
4. Let him go.
The hope that he'll change his mind and come back to you can be intoxicating. This hope is that last piece that's keeping your heart longing for him.
You must kill the hope that he'll return. It may seem harsh, but this is key to your healing.
Hope is the first thing that enters a relationship. You thought he could be the person to give you the lasting love you’re craving. After a relationship ends, this hope is the last piece to go.
Holding onto the hope keeps you stuck, and your heart will never be free to love again.
So, let go of any remaining hope and allow yourself to grieve the loss. Choose to feel all of your feelings — the sadness, the hurt, the anger, and even the guilt about what happened.
It may seem like these feelings will never cease, but the truth is all emotion is temporary.
Have you ever felt happy and thought that it would last forever? You understand that these positive feelings are temporary and just to enjoy them while they are present.
However, with your pain, you can easily get stuck believing that it will never end.
When you allow yourself to feel your feelings, you allow your feelings to flow through you to be replaced by something else.
Schedule time to grieve and feel the loss. Let it flow through you.
Eventually, optimistic and positive feelings will gradually find their way into your days. When this happens, you are ready to move forward.
5. Discover the key to creating something even better.
Even though the relationship didn’t work out, he showed up in your life for a reason. Discovering why he showed up will give you what you need to create an even better relationship with someone new.
Imagine that life is like a game that's constantly challenging you to become a better version of yourself.
People show up in your life to reveal where you can still grow. Painful relationships offer some of the best opportunities for growth, if you remain open to it.
Journal about what you learned about yourself and intimate relationships from your ex.
Some people teach you in the light by being a positive influence on you. Others teach you in the dark by challenging you to no longer accept what is unacceptable.
You know you’ve found The Golden Nugget when you feel grateful for the relationship because of what it taught you about yourself and pointed you in a new direction, so you can grow toward your beloved.
It is this gratitude that allows you to release any final attachment to your ex. Now that you learn what he was here to teach you, then you don’t need him in your life anymore.
Find the gratitude and the growth from your relationships that didn’t work out, allowing yourself to grow into a better version.
The improved you takes better care of herself and has more confidence, too.
6. Get clear on what you really want.
Now that you've let him go and are grateful for what he taught you, you can begin to create the vision of your soulmate partnership. Getting clear on the vision is the real key to being able to create it.
Create your ideal relationship by crafting the vision of the dynamic you desire between you and your beloved. Bring the vision into crystal-clear focus.
Discard the idea of who he is. Instead, embrace the vision of how he makes you feel about yourself and how the two of you relate to one another. You can even include how you move through conflict together.
Instead of allowing your feelings to attach to a stranger you meet on a date, craft the vision of the relationship first, and then see which dates are a match to your true desires.
Trust that you can love again. Yes, a broken heart is painful, but when your heart breaks, it breaks open to hold even more love. A lot of that love is meant for you so that you love and accept yourself, warts and all.
Healing your broken heart can be messy. It’s perfectly OK to hop and skip around with good days and bad days.
Don’t deny your pain — your feelings are appropriate. Do take time to be patient and loving with yourself because healing is not a straight trajectory.
When you finally accept that your ex isn’t the source of your lovability and that you hold that within yourself, then you are ready to create the soul-satisfying, long-lasting love you desire.
More for You:
Orna and Matthew Walters have been soulmate coaches for over a decade and helped thousands of readers create long-lasting love. Download a complimentary copy of their ebook, Recognizing Mr. Right, along with a guided program on self-acceptance from their website.
This article was originally published at Creating Love On Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.