20 Hilariously BAD Pick-Up Lines You Should Never (EVER!) Use

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I was not contemplating another Pick Up Lines article.  That is not until last night. 

So here I was, standing near a tree that my 10-month old dog Loki was absorbedly sniffing. I was intently watching Loki when a voice, somewhere in the 2-inch radius of my ear boomed commandingly: “IT HAS TO BE DONE.” I had no choice but to turn away from the dog and fix my gaze on the source of the proclamations. I found myself staring at a seemingly normal man.

“Pardon me?” I tried sounding as politely as I could.

“It has to be done!” he repeated.

“WHAT has to be done?”

“You have to take the collar off the dog and put it on me because I want to come home with you.”

For the next few seconds, I remained standing perfectly still: mouth gaping wide open, eyes not blinking. I was trying to come up with an answer. 

I wanted to say something, ANYTHING. But all I could do was stand there and stare. This was BY FAR the worst pick-up line I had heard IN YEARS. 

I said nothing back to the voice. I just took off as fast as I could in the direction of home — confused dog in tow.

My friends; bad as that was, I do have another collection of cringe-worthy pick-up-lines that will make your skin crawl and the hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention in disgust. So, without further ado, here are the other 20, as reported to me BY REAL PEOPLE (not in any particular order).

Warning for guys: DON’T USE ANY OF THESE.

1. Girl, you’re so hot, my zipper is falling for you!

2. We’re not socks, but I think we’d make a great pair.

3. Are you an Alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

4. I wish I was a traffic light turned red because then I could look at you stopped at the light all day.

5. If you were a potato chip would you be Frito-Lay?

6. I want to date you because you seem like a woman of substance.

7. It’s a good thing I wore my gloves today: otherwise, you’d be too hot to handle.

8. Are you stalking me? Because that would be super!

9. Nice pants – can I test the zipper?

10. I know milk does a body good, baby, but my god! How much have you been drinking?

11. Excuse me, I’m looking for a friend  do you want to be my friend?

12. Are you an architect? Because you just erected a monument in my pants.

13. Nice legs. Do they come over easy?

14. Baby, if you were a drug, I would overdose!

15. Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

16. I was feeling a little bit off today, but you definitely turned me on.

17. You owe me a drink, because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

18. Can I take your pictures so that I can prove to my friends that angels exist?

19. F_k me if I’m wrong, but is your name Helga?

20. You may be asked to leave soon. You’re making all the other women look bad.​

And as a bonus, I just have to include #21, my personal favorite: My wife just doesn’t understand me. We are getting a divorce soon.​

If you have no time or patience for online dating or if you've tried other matchmakers who throw phone numbers at you without understand your needs and desires on a deeper level, then contact New York Socials and see what a difference a real professional matchmaker can make in your life.

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This article was originally published at New York Socials. Reprinted with permission from the author.