What It Really Means If You're Not Attracted To Your Partner Anymore

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What It REALLY Means If You're Not Attracted To Your Partner Anymore

I wanted to share with you my experience working with Maria recently and the problem she wanted relationship advice for. Maria had been married to Darren for 8 years, together for 16. He’s the only person she had ever been in a serious relationship with.

She loves him deeply, but what kept her up at night was the fact that she no longer found him attractive or interesting anymore. She wondered what it would be like to be with someone else. She couldn't help but reflect on the past, and what had happened to them and their relationship since they first met.

It broke her heart just thinking about how hurt he would be if he found out that she was bored with his company and his talk of work, and that she no longer wanted to kiss or be held by him. She wondered if this issue was a sign that their marriage was over.

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They had a beautiful boy and girl, which kept life busy, but there was zero excitement in the relationship. She was sick and tired with the same routine, and the way they were relating on a day to day basis.

The problem was, she did nothing. She was too scared to bring it up because she didn't know how to say it without making things worse.

Darren was always tired and so was she, and it wasn't easy for her to share information. So Maria stayed silent. Suffering in her own circling doubts, she soon became depressed.

Maria felt stuck. Sometimes she thought that it was best to leave, and questioned why she was staying in a marriage where the love and passion was dead. Other times, she would tell herself she should be grateful with what he has. He hadn't done anything wrong, after all. Plus, she just couldn't imagine what would happen to the children if they split.

She didn't know how to address this marriage problem, so she did the worse thing possible: She started believing that married life was like this, and that she needed to accept being miserable, bored and wait it out until something changed, the children grew up, or forever.

Maria accepted that being miserable or bored was something she had to put up with. She had already lived in this turmoil for a few years. More recently, though, the constant flip-flopping back and forth was draining and started to affect how she reacted towards the children.

She would tell herself, "Life is too short. You only live once." Yet, that just confused her even more and made her feel depressed. She asked, "Does this mean I need to stay or go?" To which I replied, "It does not mean either. It means that what you must do now is focus on creating greater happiness in your life and in your relationship and then see."

It's difficult to make a decision on anything in life when we are deeply unhappy or caught up in a negative spiral of thoughts.

Two miserable people will create more misery. If one or both are happy, the chances are much stronger of knowing what to do and getting the clarity you seek.

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Having helped hundreds of people through various challenges in their life, the core of change must start with our own health and happiness. Worrying or feeling low and not taking any action is not going to get better over time. You don't get excitement, passion, desire, interest by waiting — it's something you create.

Maria worked out that in order to be more attracted to her husband, he would need to smell better, shower more, always keep his breath fresh, and appreciate her efforts more. Together, they would need to talk about more interesting things than work and make more time for each other without being on their phones all night.

Later, she found that he wanted more appreciation for how tired he is from work, to do more fun and exciting things together, and be more physically intimate. They started focusing on these and really listened. And things changed for them very quickly.

When you make an effort in any area of your life, you excel. Think about your fitness, health, work or other achievements you are proud of. The chances are you put in effort, gave it your focus and set a plan of steps.

So why don't we always put in the effort required for our relationships? Often, our thoughts get in our way. Thoughts like: Why am I in this relationship? What am I doing here? Is this right for me? Shall I stay or go? Why is it always me? Why am I giving and getting nothing back?

It is natural and normal to question a relationship — we all do it. However, if the same thoughts keep resurfacing and it is affecting your relationship, your health, work and children, start moving towards steps that create more happiness.

If you want to be happy in your marriage, act! Either alone or with your spouse. You don't have to wait for them. A lack of attraction is often linked to relationship boredom.

There are literally thousands of ways to create more spice in your life and marriage. So many wonderful things you can do to ensure that happiness and passion increases. When happiness, excitement and love are there, attraction and passion will follow.

If you're losing interest or feeling stuck on whether to stay or leave your marriage, take action and get support. The hardest part in change is the first step, but those that do something don't regret it. 

RELATED: How To Fall Madly In Love With Your Partner All Over Again

Nicola Beer is a Marriage Transformation Specialist & Founder of Save My Marriage Program, an alternative to marriage counseling.

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This article was originally published at Save My Marriage Program. Reprinted with permission from the author.