3 Reasons Why You Should Not Say "I Love You" To Your Ex
It may seem like friendship will ease the pain of breaking up, but it won't.
Working with countless single women as a relationship coach, many tell me they stay connected to various ex-boyfriends. The next step in breaking up in their minds is friendship. Like many online dating experiences, what looks good on paper does not pan out in real life. The real trap is allowing the "friendship" to keep you from being emotionally open and vulnerable to someone new.
From my experience in helping individuals prepare for lasting love, I find it is impossible to attract a lasting, emotionally-healthy and loving relationship when you insist on bringing past relationships along. It is our human nature that feels our loyalties are divided. The intimacy you once shared with your ex, not only physically but emotionally, has a history and it is that connection that makes it difficult for someone else to break into.
The tendency will be to tell your ex all the intimate, highly personal tidbits about your life because he knows you better (or at least that's what you tell yourself) and leave the more superficial, safer topics to the new guy. Love takes mutual trust, openness and honesty to develop in that important first stage. Having Mr. Backup does not send the message that you are going to give the new guy a fair shot at love. While you may believe this friendship with no attachments is not harmful, emotionally you are saying, "I love you ex-boyfriend who broke my heart" while to Mr. Possible, you're saying, "You're on probation until further notice."
The following are three reasons why I strongly believe the past is best used as a tool for learning and growing. Learn why you attracted your ex and distinguish your relationship pattern so you don't repeat it.
1. Your ex will sabotage your present and future.
If you are honest with yourself, you know in your heart you still love him—not as a friend, but as someone you would go back to if he only asked. Or the reverse could be true, and you keep him in your life because the feeling of security, his loyalty to you and dependability is reassuring. Some women I coach tell me they feel guilty about accepting dates from other guys, even though they know they are free to do so. They can't understand why they feel as if it is a betrayal to their ex-boyfriend. In my book, What To Look For In A Man, chapter two discusses how to attain true and lasting healing from past relationships. It is a vital factor in learning how to develop a new relationship norm.
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2. Eventually, the physical sparks will fly.
Sleeping with an ex happens more often than you think when you maintain contact. Your mind knows better, but your heart says, “One more time.” Once that door opens, the frequency picks up instead of diminishing. Because there are times that being single is isolating, discouraging and kicks your confidence, it's easier to turn to your ex to fill a void that cannot be achieved physically.
Having an ex-boyfriend in your present keeps you from working through the challenges you faced while you were together. The past will be a comparison test for future possibilities instead of the barometer for what you do not want to repeat. As I have coached accomplished women who reach their mid 30's and early 40's without marrying, the central theme is a sense of panic that time is running out. Keeping an ex-boyfriend around eats away at valuable time you could use in a very constructive manner by preparing for the right relationship.
If you are ready to find the right man, there is a process to attracting an emotionally healthy, loving relationship that will lead to commitment and lasting love.
The shock and finality of ending a relationship completely by stopping all communication seems so final. Many times it is just that longing for more closure that, of course will never be satisfying enough. The sudden void of the emotional connection right after a break up leads many women to forge these ex friendships just to stay in his life. The sad truth is the length of the emotional pain is increased because eventually he will meet someone new and leave you again.
You can begin now and leave the past where it needs to stay. I have helped individuals all over the world achieve the goals and dreams they have in love. If you are fed up with the status quo of your love life, let’s talk about the proactive steps you can take towards those dreams.
Nancy Pina is a highly recognized author, relationship coach and speaker. She is dedicated to helping individuals attract emotionally healthy relationships through her practical Christian-based advice. Visit her website for coaching options and recent books. Subscribe to her free report, Is He The Right One or schedule a free coaching session with Nancy.