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Don't count him out just yet.
By Mitzi Bockmann
Last updated on Dec 12, 2023
You know all about "red flags," those signs that pop up and make you wonder if something is amiss with a relationship, or even with him.
But some of the things that you think are red flags in a partner might actually be signs of emotional well-being. And he just might be total boyfriend or husband material!
Here are 5 traits of committed men that may seem like red flags at first.
1. He's attached to his mother.
While some men form unhealthy attachments to their mothers, many times the relationship between mother and son is beautiful.
For instance, when I met my boyfriend, his mother was in a retirement home. He went to visit her every Friday and Sunday night. When I learned about this, I thought it would be a deal-breaker. I believed that he would always choose her over me.
My worries were completely unfounded. While my boyfriend was extremely close to his mother, their relationship was a very healthy one. The Friday night visit usually involved a gin and tonic, and on Sunday we had dinner. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her.
If your potential boyfriend has a close relationship with his mother, don’t let it end things. In fact, remember that the way a man treats his mom is reflective of how he treats his romantic partners. So, give it time and learn more.
2. He isn't overly ambitious.
When I met my boyfriend, one of the first things was about his five-year plan. Did he know where he wanted to go next, professionally? When he wanted to retire? Where he wanted to travel to? I had a five-year plan and I wanted to hear his.
My boyfriend just gave me a blank stare. "I don’t have one," he said. "Oh boy," I thought. "This is the end of this relationship."
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But a potential partner who isn't overly ambitious isn't necessarily a red flag. Because it means he lives in the moment. Instead of obsessing about what's next, he's focused on the here and now. So, while he may enjoy his job, it's not his sole focus. Rather, he has other hobbies that fulfill him.
Being with someone who wants to live his life right now and not be on the hamster wheel — always striving to be more successful and make more money — is a wonderful thing.
3. He hasn't been in many relationships.
With each relationship and each breakup, you learn something. You learn what you want and need in a relationship. You learn how to judge what someone else wants and needs. You learn how to get over a broken heart and the most productive ways to fight.
You can also learn absolutely nothing and get increasingly bitter as the years go on. And while it may seem a bit suspicious if your boyfriend or potential partner doesn't have much "experience" being in a relationship, it's not a red flag at all.
My boyfriend was a newbie when it came to relationships. He had been married for 30 years and, before that, had a few relationships in his 20s, but that was it. Yes, he had a horrible marriage that lasted much longer than it should have, but the end didn’t cause him heartbreak — it caused him relief.
For men who haven't quite experienced heartbreak, they enter into new relationships with an open heart. Every new phase of the relationship fills him with wonder.
Even better, when he notices emotional wounds in you, his potential mate, he recognizes those triggers and habits and truly wants to help you work through them. Even if you try to push him away, he stays. Why? Because he trusts love, as his heart has never been broken. And that's a great thing!
4. He goes with the flow.
For Type A individuals, they always want to be in charge of what they are doing and where they are going. They plan ahead, make contingency plans, and get stressed out if plans go awry. Not knowing what is going to happen next is really hard for them.
When you've found a boyfriend who very much goes with the flow, it just makes life easier.
For me, my boyfriend wakes up on Saturday morning, lies on the couch with coffee and videos, and just chills for a few hours. There are no real concrete thoughts about what the day will hold — he just is.
And then, after he has his time, he jumps up and is ready to take his day on. But because he isn’t trying to control it, he just eases into it. And easing into it makes everything way less stressful.
A man who is easy going in this way demonstrates every day that you don’t have to control everything to be happy. And that's an incredible relief.
5. He likes you too much.
We've all been there — having met someone who seems to like us way more than we like them. And for many of us, we bolt.
If you have someone who looks at you with love, who puts up with your baggage, who is willing to actually listen and respond in kind, who doesn’t disappear only to return a few days later with excuses, who doesn’t leave you behind on a Saturday, keep that guy around.
Photo: Jonathan Borba / Pexels
A man who is nice is not a red flag! It might seem like it would be boring and not a challenge, but the truth is, if you have someone who loves you a lot, don’t push them away. Try opening your heart to someone who might be different from people you have dated before.
In most relationships, there's always one person who loves the other more. And that dynamic can often flip. If you have someone who likes you more, don’t run. You might find that the shoe is on the other foot sometime in the not too distant future.
So, take a risk. Try out a nice guy. You might be very happy you did.
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Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.