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How To Break Up With Someone You Love

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How to Break Up With Someone You Love
Love

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you aren't ready to move on.

If finding someone to love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, breaking up with someone you love is the most horrible feeling in the world.

Did you find the guy? Did you fall madly in love with him and all of the hopes and dreams that you shared together? And then did you realize, that no matter how much you loved him, he was never going to make you happy?

And now you just know. You have to break up with him. You have to let him go.


Breaking up with someone you love is not easy but it is possible. Just follow these steps on how to break up with someone you love and before you know it, you will be able to let go of a love that is holding you back and move on with your life:

1. Ask yourself how determined you are to do this.

Before you begin any life-changing process, you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10, how close to a 10 are you? Because without steadfast determination you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as breaking up with your man and getting past it.

Are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren't 100 percent ready to do this yet?

If the answer to any of these questions is a "yes", then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great clarifier and with some time, you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.

2. Identify what it is that is making you take action.

This is very important. Why exactly do you need to break up with this man, even if you still feel this deep love for him at your core?

I have a client who knew she had to break up with a man she loved very much but who she knew wasn't the man for her and she was struggling with it because of the love she still felt.

"How can I break up with him?" she asked. "I still love him."

I explained to her that feelings are like layers of an onion, layers that must be removed to get to the center. What was the top layer for her? Why did she feel like she knew he wouldn't make her happy and that she would need to break up with him?

For my client, that first layer of feelings was anger and hurt. She was so angry at her man for how badly he had treated her and angry with herself for wasting so much time letting him do so. She was hurt that he wasn't willing to make an effort to change in spite of her pleas that he do so.

That was her first layer. This was why she knew she had to let him go.

The second layer was the hopes and dreams — the hopes and dreams that she had had for their life together. This layer was very thick and holding her back.

Their relationship had seemed so promising at the beginning and she was still struggling to believe that it couldn't go back to what it was. But, once she recognized that this would never happen, she knew that she would have to let go of those hopes and dreams in order to move on.

The third layer, the core actually, was the love that she still had for this man. And this love, she decided, wasn't actually something that she wanted to let go of. She knew that they didn't have a future together but their past, their experiences together, and how she felt about him were something that she wanted to hold on to. Not in a hopeful way but as something from her past that was special to her.

By examining each layer of the onion, my client was able to peel back and discard one layer of emotion at a time which left her with the one piece that she wanted to hold on to, one that wouldn't hold her back from breaking up with him and moving on but that she would carry with her in her heart going forward.

3. Cut him off.

I know that we all think that we need "closure" at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. In truth, closure is really one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn't you make it work as a couple?

So, when you have decided that the relationship is over cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, and stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.

So go NO CONTACT right away. It will make breaking up way easier!


RELATED: 20 Crucial Things You Must Do Immediately After A Breakup


4. Ask yourself what is true and what you have made up in your head.

This is such an important piece of breaking up and letting go of someone you love.

We all have ideas in our head about truths in our relationships but, unfortunately, often these truths are not so much — they are just hopes and dreams that we have made up over the course of the relationship.

I have a client who had hopes and dreams of a life that she wanted with her boyfriend that had absolutely no basis in reality. She wanted to move to the woods, raise sheep, have kids, and grow old together. She had this idea firmly stuck in her head that this was what she wanted and if her boyfriend loved her enough he would embrace her dream too.

What she didn't realize was that although this dream of hers was wonderful, there was no way she was going to have it with her boyfriend. He loved the city, hated livestock, and didn't want kids for at least another decade.

I asked her to consider these things that she knew to be true, what he didn't want, and stack them up next to what she did want, her hopes, and her dreams. When she did, she finally saw that the truth of the situation was different from what she had been telling herself in her head.

Armed with that knowledge she was able to find the strength to break up with him and let him go.

5. Ask yourself what it is you really want in a relationship.

The final part of being ready to break up with the guy you love is getting to know what exactly it is that you want from someone in a relationship, without knowing what you want you are going to have a hard time getting it.

So make a list. Make a list of what you want from a man in a relationship with you. It doesn't have to be long but make it comprehensive.

My list, in part: someone who makes me laugh, who knows who he is and what he wants, who loves my kids, and who wants to make me a priority in his life.

So make your list and run through it with your current guy in mind. Chances are, if you are reading this article, that he won’t match up with many of the things on that list and you will finally understand because you will see it there clearly, in black and white.

And your emotions just can’t argue with black and white. He is not what you want. Time to move on.

Breaking up with someone whom you love very much is very difficult and will take some steadfast determination on your part but you can do it.

Check your determination, peel back the onion, cut him off, question your assumptions and define what you want.

Before you know it you will have clarity that you are making the right decision and will be able to let go.

And that means you can go to step 6: Get yourself back out there.

I know that right now you feel like you might never love again but putting yourself back out there doesn't mean you have to fall in love.

Putting yourself back out there means that you get to dress up and flirt and date and have a lot of fun. And maybe, just maybe, you will find another love but in the meantime, you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single girl.

Embrace it!


RELATED: 11 People Reveal The Brutally Heartbreaking Reason For Their Breakup


Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington Post, Prevention Magazine, The Good Man Project, among others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live. Contact her for help or email her at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com.

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