5 Reasons Why He Won't Commit But Still Won't Let You Go

What in the world is he thinking?

angry woman sitting next to distant man Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

Are you wondering why he won't commit but still won't let you go? You're asking yourself, "Why does he keep me around if he doesn't want a relationship? What the hell is he thinking!?"

Many of my clients believe that if their guy won’t commit, it's because he's "confused about his feelings" or that "he loves me but feels conflicted."

More likely than not, your guy isn’t thinking either one or anything like those things.


If you're looking for signs he will eventually commit, don't hold your breath. 

RELATED: The #1 Way To Tell If A Man Has Commitment Issues

5 Reasons why he won't commit but still won't let you go.

1. "She's great but I want to keep my options open."

At the beginning of the relationship, your guy may have treated you like a queen. He made you feel loved and special and you want that back so much.

You might be thinking that your guy wants to get back to that place too, and if you just wait long enough and are nice enough to him, he'll get there.

Nope, that's not what he's thinking. He's thinking you're great — because you are — but knows that you're not who he wants to be with. But, he doesn’t want to be alone so he's keeping you around until he can find someone else.


Don’t believe he will ever go back to the beginning and see you as a genuine possibility. If he won't commit but still won't let you go, that ship has sailed. 

2. "I know that she's not the girl for me but the sex is great."

This will probably come as no surprise to you but men love sex. They'll do just about anything to get it.

If you're willing to have sex with him even if he gives you nothing but breadcrumbs, why would he let you go? If there's sex available to him with no strings attached, why wouldn’t he take it?

People who are in relationships that are volatile usually have great sex. It’s something about the chemicals that are created during conflict that can lead to great sex.


If you're in a place where you're constantly arguing about his behavior, that might keep the sex really good. And who wants to let go of great sex, especially great sex he can get for free?

3. "I don’t want her but I don’t want anyone else to have her either."

If a guy wants a girl, he will do anything that he can to keep her.

He'll stay in touch with her, spend time with her, tell her that he cares, and do nice things for her. He'll make her feel special and loved.

A guy who doesn’t want to be with a girl, but doesn’t have the guts to tell her, will not do any of those things.

He will give her crumbs. He will have sex with her and hang out with her when he feels like it but that's it. And she'll be left begging for those crumbs and convincing herself that they're enough.


Ironically, that guy also doesn’t want anyone else to have her. Why? Because he has it good right now.

He can keep his eye open for someone else, have great sex, let her take care of him, and all the other good stuff that comes with a relationship without having to give her anything in return. 

If your guy is being possessive, don’t assume it’s because he loves you. It’s because he likes what he has with you, for the time being. That's why he won't commit. 

RELATED: 8 Facts About Dating People With Commitment Issues — As Written By A Woman Who Has Them

4. "I'm so bored."

Does your guy reach out to you late at night? Or on a Sunday afternoon? Do you feel special because you know that he's thinking about you right before bed or at halftime during the game?


Do you use those moments to prove to yourself that he'll come back to you because he still loves you?

Let me tell you, that's not what he's thinking. At bedtime, he's bored (and maybe horny) and he knows that you're on the other end of the phone, waiting to hear from him.

At halftime, he has nothing to do so he drops you a text to keep him busy until the game starts again.

If you only hear from him sporadically, what he definitely isn't thinking is that he misses you or wishes you were with him, no matter what he says. 

5. "Did I get my heart rate up enough during my bike ride?"

Be honest, if you're in a situation where you have a guy who won’t commit but still won’t let you go, do you spend 99% of your day thinking about it?


Do you journal, talk to your girlfriends, google the topic, and obsess about what went wrong? Of course, you do. All women do.

Guys just don’t do this. If he's not interested in a woman, she's gone from his mind until he's bored or horny. He won’t spend a second processing what happened, what went wrong, or what’s next.

He'll live in the moment, thinking about things that are important to him.

If guys could process what happened in their relationships, instead of focusing on sports or work or whatever else they're involved in, then women wouldn’t have to spend 99% of their time wondering what's going on.

Why? Because men would be able to talk about how they're feeling and not leave women hanging.


And, if that happened, women could move on and find someone who can really love them for who they are. 

I know you want to believe that if a guy won’t commit but still won’t let you go, that he's just conflicted, and that if you just love him enough, he'll come back to you.

And I wish that was true but it isn’t.


If a man wants a woman, he'll move heaven and earth to get her. 

Otherwise, he might give you a passing thought as he goes about his day but that’s it. Especially if he's acting in a way that makes you wonder why he won't commit. 

Hearing this is painful, but the sooner you can accept it and move on, the more likely you are to find the love you're seeking.

And it's out there, waiting for you. So, get a move on!

RELATED: 5 Ways To Know If Your Partner Has A Problem With Commitment

Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based, certified life and love coach. She's helped countless singles find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live.