A male client recently raved to me about a thrilling first date he'd just had a few evenings prior. According to him, he knew what to do on a first date and they hit it off from the start. Conversation flowed and they seemed to have a lot in common. He kissed her goodnight and texted when he got home. Even though her text response was brief, he was fully expecting a second date to happen some time soon.
Thrilled that he had such a great time, I called his date to follow up with her. Her story, however, was quite different. Yes, the date was good. Yes, they had a lot in common — more, in fact, than she, herself anticipated. She was having a wonderful time and she told him that. And that’s when things took an accelerated turn for the worse.
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It turn out, my client (as men often do) interpreted her statement that she was having a good time as a green light for him to move in... and get physical. This, certainly, is not what turns a girl on. It all started with his request to kiss her. She giggled demurely and turned away. He persisted and even became angry when she resisted his "charms." This went on all through dessert and a walk home.
She saw a brief improvement after she told him that, perhaps, on a second date, they’ll be more intimate. Brief, indeed.
As she was about to get into a cab, she attempted to give him a quick kiss on a cheek. Instead, he pulled her in and shoved his tongue so deep down her throat that for a split second she thought he was going to eat her face. Talk about a turn-off.
She was still shocked by the encounter when, halfway home, she received a text from my client about how much he enjoyed the evening and is looking forward to another one. The only thing she could respond with was a monosyllabic "OK." Another date was out of the question, as far as she was concerned.
Was his attempt at affection that bad and offensive, or was she overreacting? Gentlemen, this is a good place to point out that "overreacting" is a subjective term and you should never use it with a woman you're dating. Chances are, the use of that term to her face will most likely cause more of it — and with a vengeance!
Having said that, women generally have a low tolerance for smooching on a first date. Look, it's perfectly fine to kiss her goodnight. But it is NOT fine to feel her tonsils with your tongue while doing so. Believe me, guys, a few gentle, sensual pecks on her lips as you're saying goodbye are far more likely to guarantee you a second date.
Well, you wonder, what about everything in between? What if we’re both feeling the chemistry and just can’t help it? If you think the chemistry is there, a gentle (but clearly carnal) kiss goodnight will give her the almost-certain message that you like her — without giving her all of you at once. Save that for future dates.
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More often than not, your first date will not end with you raising her skirt and pinning her against the wall of your bedroom (trust me, that’s a scene from a bad romance film, not a slice of reality). So, how can you tell if she's wants you to lean over and kiss her or not? Would you know what to do on a first date in this circumstance?
Guys, most women were taught the importance of politeness above all things as little girls. They are now so afraid to hurt someone’s feelings that instead of just saying something that might possibly offend you, they speak through overly understated allusions.
For example, instead of directly saying, "I don’t feel comfortable kissing on a first date," a woman might say, "You’re so bad" or "I’m not like that." Learn to hear what she means, not necessarily what she says. When in doubt, consider it a "no."
The most obvious sign is when a woman pulls away as you draw near. That is a big, fat "no," so let it go. Watch her body; if she leans into you as she speaks, it’s a possibility. If she sits back, best to not try anything. Likewise, crossed arms are a sure sign of bad timing, as is turning her body away from you even though she is still engaged in the conversation.
On the other hand, if she continuously leans into your private space and brushes against you or keeps your gaze for longer than is comfortable, she is receptive.
Is she really flirting or is she just on a reconnaissance mission to learn more about you? Many women just won’t allow themselves to jump all in on a first date. No matter how great you may seem, women want to get to know you better before deciding whether they will allow themselves to fall for you. If her flirting is more verbal than physical, then keep it that way.
Here is the bottom line: no matter how into the girl you are, it is best to leave her wondering at the end of the first date. When in doubt, keep your lips and tongue to yourself!
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Marina Margulis is a Dating Coach based in New York City. If your love life is stuck in a rut; if you seem to be attracting the wrong people — or no people at all, contact New York Socials today at info@nysocials.com and be on your way to your forever-after.
