Love, Sex

3 (Surprisingly SIMPLE!) Ways To Learn To LOVE SEX Again

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My mother did not do well giving me “the talk”. Naturally, I didn't do well listening to her try. She did, however, buy me a book called Sex Begins in the Kitchen. At the time I found the content quite disappointing, but older, wiser me understands the wisdom.

If you want a better sex life with your partner, the under-explored dynamics of how well you are relating to each other is likely WAY more important than some new technique, clothing or toy.

Here are three real, SIMPLE ways of taking your sex life up a notch:

1. Don’t minimize stuff your partner does that bothers you.

That's not sex-related at all, right? WRONG. When we try to pretend that all is well — that something isn’t big enough to talk about — there becomes space (and tension, and — in turn — bad sex) between us. We pull back a little emotionally and feel a little less safe.

The greatest sex comes with the whole-person vulnerability. Processing our anger with our partner causes us to focus on our uniqueness and what we bring to the relationship.

Marriage and Family psychologist Dr. David Schnarch puts it this way in Passionate Marriage: “The part that needs to grow is the part that learns how to ‘digest’ anger — metabolize it, break it down to fuel something useful and life-giving.”

If you want this kind of discussion to end well so you can move on and have GREAT sex, then it will help to learn some conflict and listening skills for these tough (but much-needed) discussions.

2. Spend time together having fun.

If you expect to live a separate life from your partner, but think that they will still want to have great, amazing, MIND-BLOWING sex ... good luck. This kind of relationship might last for a little while, but the truth is that great on-going sexual relationships come out of great connections.

Sex is best as a physical expression of an emotional connection, not a replacement for a lack of connection. Not as merely a physical need. Taking time to know what gives your partner pleasure outside of the bedroom will truly help you communicate and enjoy your time MUCH more! 

Knowing and understanding your partner both emotionally and intellectually will open doors for you to connect to each other more holistically and sexually, allowing for a much richer experience. As Dr. Ruth says, "When it comes to sex, the most important six inches are the ones between the ears."

3. Talk dirty.

Yup. You heard me. When you're not in a setting or at a time when you can be sexual, it's a FANTASTIC time to talk about your sex life.

This does a couple of things (other than the obvious turn-on effect). First, it allows you tell each other what you really like at a time when there is ZERO pressure. It lets you to talk about fantasies that you would typically feel too shy about acting out, but gives you the opportunity to "test drive" them with your partner in a theoretical setting.

Talking about sex also allows you to tell each other what you don't like — before it happens again. Telling your partner what you don't enjoy while it's happening can be a HORRIBLE mood (and confidence) killer.

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This article was originally published at "Marilyn's Musings", Capacity Building Coaching Blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.