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By Margaret Paul — Written on Jun 26, 2018
Overcoming fears can be challenging, no matter how much relationship advice you've read about dating and finding true love. In fact, many single women who do want lasting relationships or marriage are secretly afraid of taking that big step and truly falling in love.
That's why the one of the most important things you can do before you commit or get married is learning how to face your deepest fears about what happens to long-term couples over the years.
Maybe you've thought one or more of these things in the past:
- "I'm tired of being alone and going to sleep alone. Will I ever find a loving partner?"
- "I really want a relationship, but I keep attracting unavailable people. What am I doing wrong?"
- "Why do all my relationships end up the same?"
- "I'm scared I'm destined to end up alone."
- "I want to share my life with someone. I want to wake up with a partner and share a dream or chat with my partner about the coming day."
- "I want to come home to someone with whom I can share my day. I hate coming home from work to an empty house.”
- "I want someone to play with, to watch TV with or go to a movie with, or go on vacation with. I'm so tired of doing these things alone and my friends have their own lives."
If so, you're not alone.
Most people want to share their lives with someone, yet many people have a very hard time finding and creating a loving connected relationship. Frequently, something is in the way of attracting their beloved.
Many of my clients were able to find the love of their life after healing the fears and blocks that were in the way, but that they couldn't seem to identify on their own.
Here are four common fears single women have about dating and relationships you need to overcome if you want to fall deeply in true love (and maybe even get married).
1. Fear of losing yourself in the relationship.
As much as you might want a relationship, if the fear of losing yourself while in a relationship is greater than your desire for a relationship, this fear will win out over and over.
Do you believe that you have to give yourself up to be loved by another? Do you believe that you are not good enough the way you are so that you have to be overly nice and compliant in order for someone to love you? Is this what you've done in your relationships?
Giving yourself up is a prescription for never finding your beloved.
2. Fear of rejection.
Have you been hurt in relationships? Most of us have.
But is avoiding the pain of rejection more important to you than being in a loving, connected relationship?
Relationships can be painful, so until you learn how to manage the possible heartbreak, you might be pushing away the love of your life. Learning how to lovingly manage the loneliness, heartbreak, and helplessness of important relationships are vital to attracting your future life partner.
3. Fear of making a mistake.
Are you too cautious because you are terrified of making a mistake — or making another mistake?
While we all need to be willing to make mistakes to move forward, there are ways of knowing early in a relationship whether this is the right person for you.
4. Fear of self-abandonment.
When you abandon yourself rather than love yourself, you become invisible to others. Others tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves.
If you are ignoring your feelings, judging yourself, turning to various addictions to numb your feelings, and making others responsible for your feelings, you are unconsciously pushing others away and making yourself invisible.
When you make others responsible for your worth and sense of safety, it's very easy to become "addicted" to the feeling of someone giving you the love you have not been giving to yourself. This generally taps into the other person's fear of engulfment and they eventually pull away.
Since we attract at our common level of wounded-ness or our common level of health, becoming a healthy partner is essential for attracting a healthy partner.
Attracting a loving partner is knowing how to tell, early in a relationship, whether or not someone is who they appear to be. There are actually many ways of knowing early on whether or not someone is an appropriate partner for you.
Margaret Paul holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant, and artist. Start learning to love yourself and heal your relationships with her free Inner Bonding course.
This article was originally published at Inner Bonding. Reprinted with permission from the author.