Self, Heartbreak

Why You Won't Get Closure From A Narcissist

There is something deeply ingrained in all of us that requires us to have closure. We need it when we leave our job, experience a death, if we fight with our best friend, and especially if we loved someone and the relationship ended. Closure may be a healthy conversation as to why we acted the way we did, or it can provide us answers about the reasons for the bad behavior. It offers us insight as to what went wrong so that we can learn from our mistakes.

After my divorce, I fell madly in love with a man, but the relationship ended in utter heartbreak. One day we were having brunch, sipping mimosas, and literally the next day we broke up because I found out about his infidelities. I needed to know why, when, how, how often—I needed answers to help me figure out where I went wrong. I requested a meeting with him once the f-you emails and texts died down (yeah, I can get a wee bit angry), and he agreed to a meeting.

I expected him to say sorry, to explain the root of why he did what he did and to shed light on why he didn’t love me the way I thought. But all I really got from our meeting was a few blank stares on his part, and very little explanation. He said something like, "Lindsey, it is what it is. I'm not sure why I did it."

I left our meeting with more questions than answers, just feeling numb from the lack of information.

So how did I get closure from this very hurtful event in my life? It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it probably took me a year. But through empowering myself with knowledge from other experts, I learned this:

  1. I had to forgive him. This meant writing a letter to him that I never sent, in which I told him that I forgave him.
  2. His actions didn't define who I was, but who he is.
  3. Our relationship provided me with a valuable lesson of what not to do. And you know what? I never dated that kind of person again.
  4. Wanting closure gave him all the power to my feelings. Instead, I accepted the fact that I won't get closure, and for some weird reason, that gave me closure.

If you still need closure from a narcissist in your life, think about why you need it. Then, journal exactly what you want him to say to you, as if he were sitting in front of you. As you write it all down, you may discover that you are giving him VIP access to your heart, your feelings and your mental clarity. Why does he deserve such admittance?  He doesn't!

Now start focusing on all the amazing things in your life. Be grateful for today’s great gifts and not mindful of yesterday's mishaps!