What To Do If You're Sick And Tired Of Having Failed Relationships
Your wake-up call is whatever you want it to be.
Getty Images | Unplash I was lying in a heap on my bedroom floor, crying my eyes out. I had just found out my boyfriend had lied to me, cheated on me, conned me out of thousands of dollars, and then dumped me. Right before that, I had been through a horrible divorce in which my husband had also lied and cheated on me.
Over and over again, I wondered why I was having this pattern. Why did I end up in these relationships that were essentially the same? I asked my therapist, "Am I just destined for this? Does anyone live happily ever after? Why doesn't the relationship advice I read tell me what to do?"
After I peeled myself off the ground that day, I made an important decision: To take a good, hard look at my life, my patterns, and what I was responsible for.
Here's what to do if you're sick and tired of having failed relationships:
1. Think about how you feel about yourself
Are you looking for someone to complete you? To give you all the love you need? In the end, all of us are looking for love — we all know that. If you don't love yourself, you look for it somewhere else either a relationship, physical intimacy, or another outside source.
It's an endless cycle that will never feed and fill you up. Unconditional self-love is multi-layered work that takes practice and patience, but trust me when I tell you it's the best work you'll ever do.
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2. Try learning from past relationships instead of jumping into a new one
Ask yourself the following questions: What were you tolerating that was not okay? Were you setting healthy boundaries? How are your communication skills in the relationship? Can you be 100 percent proud of the person you were in that relationship? Where exactly could you improve?
If you don't work on yourself and grow and learn from your past, you'll be the same person in a new relationship. And if you didn't like who you were, it's up to you to change it. It's never anyone else's responsibility.
3. Become aware of the energy you put out into the world
If inside you're feeling bitter, angry, and resentful, how can you expect to attract your Mr. or Ms. Right? If you're feeling desperate and needy, how can you expect someone to come in and do a job that is essentially yours?
Imagine words floating around you that describe who you are and how you feel. What would they say? If you don't like it, work to change it. Of course, you need to feel whatever you're feeling but decide which direction you want to be heading. Forward, backward, or stagnant?
Put your focus on your best self, on the life you want, and on how you want to show up in the world. And when you fall, get back up.
Sure, the guys I had been with had been jerks, but I was the common thread in these relationships. I was tired of blaming them. I was also tired of relying on men to make me happy and knew I had to make a pretty radical change. I knew learning how to be happy started with me.
With the advice from my therapist and some self-help books, I knew one thing was for sure: The only person in this world I was solely responsible for was me.
As hard as I tried, I could not control the men in my life. I couldn't control how they felt about me, how they treated me, or the actions they took. This sounds very obvious, but to a self-proclaimed control freak like myself, I had to learn to accept this. Letting go was hard, but I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, that I surrendered.
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In giving up control and looking inward, I learned three foundational lessons regarding relationships and how to find a healthy one. In my hopes of saving someone else from the same pattern of unhealthy relationships, I share them with you:
Being in a place of utter despair was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm so grateful, I was forced to look at my life and what I had created. Your wake-up call is whatever you want it to be. Face up to what you've been a part of. If it's not what you want, decide to change it. You are certainly worth it, my friend.
Andrea Owen is an author, coach mentor, and life coach. She is also a co-founder of The Self-Love Revolution.