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It's never all bad.
By Judith Tutin — Written on Nov 26, 2021
My teenage son bought me a Kavu bag for my birthday to complete my "hippie look." It was the perfect gift given only by someone who really gets me. I thought about how strong our relationship has become.
Similar to many post-divorce occurrences, it is not that it couldn't have happened when I was married, it's just that it counts as one of many happy results emerging from an unhappy situation.
These are 10 lessons I learned from those happy results of life after divorce:
1. I can be closer to my child.
I'm not saying you cannot be married and close to your children. But, often there seems to be a unique bond between the divorced and their children. Not having to divide attention between spouse and child accounts for some of it.
Maybe the rest comes from having to live together through difficult times. I'm grateful for that closeness and work hard to cultivate it.
2. I spend more time doing things I enjoy.
After the necessary period of wallowing, I started doing things that made me happy. I ran more. I began studying life coaching and started practicing yoga.
I wasn't a slug before, but post-divorce, there was no one to ask me what it would cost, how much time away from them would be involved, who would watch my kid or how it would contribute to the family.
I made choices that made me happy. Not surprisingly, things that make me happy contribute to the well-being of those around me.
3. I can live without a man.
Not only that, but I discovered that I really like living without a man. I spend more time with friends. I spend more time working. I eat when and what I want and watch the movies I want.
Don't get me wrong, I love sharing and doing things for others. I love men. It is just that I learned I do very well without having one around full-time.
4. I do things I never thought were possible.
Getting the wasp nest out of the mailbox, the bat out of the garage, and buying a car may not seem like huge tasks and I'm not saying I am Wonder Woman. But, each time I accomplished one of those things I felt absolutely fantastic.
It is empowering to manage things myself, instead of relegating them to the "honey-do" list. The added benefit is that they actually get done.
5. I am not alone.
Perhaps it was having more opportunities or need, but I met a lot of people post-divorce and made a lot of friends. Support also comes from the legions of divorced people. They write and talk about divorce.
You realize many post-divorce experiences are shared. It helps to be part of a community, even one I hadn't planned to join.
6. I have strengths I never knew about.
Relationships can be stifling. It was far too easy for me to subjugate my aspirations to those of my partner and child. It was easy to act out the wife and mother roles I inherited from my family.
Divorce was a release from all that. Using my creativity and strengths in new ways, like writing, entering races, cooking, and tweaking my career, helps me flourish as a single person. Singledom helped me capitalize on my strengths.
7. I do not have to make anyone else happy.
People tried to tell me when to date, when not to date, what to do about my kid, what not to do about my kid, what to do in new relationships, and what not to do. I'd spent quite a number of years trying to make someone else happy and look how that turned out.
I don't have to please others by living out their fantasy of what ought to happen in my life or following often unsolicited advice. This has allowed me to return to my hippie look, develop my own parenting style and create a modern relationship that works for me.
8. It gets better.
I kept telling myself that it would get better if I kept plugging away. It does. I kept moving ahead and trying new things until it began to dawn on me that "after" was starting to feel pretty good.
In fact, "after" began feeling better than "before."
9. Healthy thoughts about divorce keep me positive.
Initially, there was the inevitable ex-bashing. Then I realized that the negative energy crept into the rest of my life.
I started focusing on the positives. This means getting others in my world to give up their own negativity about my divorce and my ex, or at least to keep it to themselves. It means not feeling sorry for myself. It means spending more time around healthy people.
10. Divorce does not define me.
Although it seemed so at first, I learned that being divorced is not my central defining characteristic. Being divorced is part of who I am and I choose to define it as an experience contributing positively to my growth as a person.
I am a healthy, whole, and creative woman, who happens to not have a husband.
You don't have to be divorced to make your life more healthy, powerful, and positive. But, if you happen to be divorced, it is a great opportunity to use your creativity and strengths to make some exciting changes. Who knows, you just might get a Kavu bag out of it.
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