How To Keep Your Cool When Fights With Your Spouse Heat Up

Diffuse the argument before it blows up in your face.

By Jeff Forte — Written on Jun 26, 2015

Photo: weheartit

Many years ago, my wife and I had an intense conversation that could have easily ended our marriage.

Yes, one conversation could have finished us off.

Unfortunately, far too many couples get caught up in that exact same cycle of toxic relationship destruction: escalating communication.

Are modern marriages really that fragile? Can one conversation really ruin your relationship?

Our attention spans are constantly stretched with distractions. Often times we aren't fully present with each other and that can lead to misunderstandings, and disconnect. In one moment, someone can do or say something that completely severs the intimate connection between a couple. Without a shared intimate connection, the rest of the relationship soon unravels.

Here's what happened in the aforementioned conversation with my wife:

My wife said something to me and I responded back. She immediately accused me of having "a tone."

"Who, me? That's not even remotely possible."

So now I'm defending my "no tone."

She now says something back, with "a tone" in her own voice that irritates me.

So I escalate with more of the same. She reacts raising her voice, and now I respond raising my voice an octave higher. As a result, she gets a little louder, but this time she adds something personal and not so pleasant to me

Sound familiar?

So I raise my voice further and say something not so nice to and about her. Now we're in a real heated argument.

What's the argument about? I have no idea. However, I do know that this conversation is approaching the threshold of relationship destruction. Fortunately, I realize it.

What typically happens at this level of escalation is that, someone says something they wish they hadn't said. And the other person says something that can never be forgotten, taken back, or forgiven.

The words and emotional escalation devastate "trust and respect" in the relationship. As you might imagine, escalation can also lead to physical violence in some angry and overwhelmed couples.

When escalation occurs regularly, the connection between the couple is often severed so completely that it cannot be repaired without significant outside help. When trust and respect get thrown away, all feelings of intimacy vanish and the relationship begins to die. It happens much faster than people realize.

Here's how to escape the escalation:

In my situation above, I was able to realize that if this escalation continued, "we" were in trouble ... the relationship "we." And that if we continued down this path further, I began to question whether the relationship would survive.

Could it really end as quickly as I imagined it might?

When someone says that intentionally awful thing to you, can you let it go?

What is the limit someone can say and still have the other person feel loved? I didn't want to find out. And that was a defining moment.

I decided that I didn't have to prove I was "right." Escalations are often about who is more right, or whose needs are more important.

I decided to do something radically different to disrupt the negative cycle we were in.

I thought about why I was with her, why I love her, why I want her in my life — I immediately began to think about my vision of our relationship and it changed me (and my energy) instantly. My thoughts instantly re-focused on wanting connection with her. And maybe it saved us.

I immediately softened my "tone," and said "I love you so much, I don't want to argue with you."

Did she escalate further? Of course not.

She immediately softened her tone, to match mine. The argument was over. I apologized for my role in the escalation and we reconnected quickly. It could have easily gone the other way, had I wanted to continue to prove that I was more "right" than she was.