How To Be Alone (Without Being Lonely)

There is an art to being alone, yet most people fear it.

How to be Alone without being Lonely weheartit

Most people fear being alone. They do not understand that there is some treasure to be found in aloneness, for it is only through being by yourself that you can find true bliss. 

The mind is constantly stimulated, busy, and agitated as you focus out there where drama after drama unfolds. So we think that being present in the material world with its noise and chaos is the place to be. 

"I am bored. I need noise, distraction, and stimulation."


The ego cultivates fear of aloneness. Here are some ego messages (you might be familiar with them):

  • "What is wrong with you?
  • "You are alone. You must be unloved."  
  • "You are a loser."

These are reasons people avoid being by themselves ("I don’t want to miss anything").

These are messages from the ego and they convince us that being alone is dangerous ("You might miss something"). Yes, probably a nervous breakdown. 



The issue is that we have constructed an identity — a false one — that is dependent on the material world. It starts with your name followed by your circumstances. 

You call yourself a male or female, an American, Indian, European or South Sea Islander, or any other locational signature. 

You also identify all sorts of material conditioning such as tall or short, blonde, gray, or redheaded and various religious ethnicities — Hindu, Jew, or Muslim, just to name a few. 

These are external distinctions and designed to fool you into believing that these tiny elements are who you are. This whole identity fiasco will reign true until you examine deeper into your psychic and gift yourself the adventure of aloneness.


Learning how to be alone without feeling lonely starts with the following steps:

1. Be aware when you're getting busy for no reason.

The first inclination with aloneness is to call it loneliness and then get busy. Do something. Why? Because you want to run in fear and that is how the ego distracts you from the moment. How you are you useful, industrious, and a doer? 

Do something, but don’t just wash windows, clean something, sort papers, or make a phone call. 

The mind is indoctrinated into busy-ness and freaks out when you ask it to be still. It can even become depressing ("You are useless, a bum, lazy, good for nothing").  

These are fear thoughts and they are conjured from old programs planted in your subconscious mind. They all relate to some identity you have taken on in your past they now rule you.


RELATED: Lonely? Not Anymore! 10 Ways To Kick Major Heartache To The CURB

2. Give yourself to nature.

If you get past the first phase, the next one will be to offer yourself to nature. The natural world is still and rhythmic and primarily peaceful. Go into nature as Jesus went to the mountain or the desert where there is emptiness. There, you can release the stress of your material life and all that goes with it. 


Don’t stay for just an hour — linger longer. Stay in the natural world until your mind quiets and then stay longer. Remain until your body relaxes and begins to breathe and then stay longer. 

Be still. You are beginning to experience your inner world. It is in rhythm with nature.

3. Allow yourself to stay in silence.

In the Western world, this stillness is a monumental accomplishment. Not so much in Eastern countries where silence is cultivated. Just grant yourself permission. In time, you will get the hang of it and it will nourish you, perhaps heal you. 

Stay in the stillness for three days or a week — maybe three months. Remain until you have forgotten all the roles you play and the ways you clothe yourself with identity. Stay until you become nothing — just quiet emptiness. 


RELATED: 10 BEAUTIFUL Things That Happen When You Learn To Love Being Alone

4. Be still.

From this point, you can move into deeper quiet. Let the mind drift into feeling — deep feeling. Feel your breath. Notice its texture, temperature, and rhythm. Feel your body organs function and feel your spirit. Let it expand so that you are able to move beyond your physical self and feel the space you occupy and then all space. 


Your mind will begin to change texture as you do this. It becomes softer, lighter. Stay there. No judgment, no anything, just being-ness. You know the saying, "Be still and now that I am God."

Loneliness is not the same as aloneness. Loneliness is always questing after something. It is painful and demoralizing. It is the ego never being or having enough.

When you cultivate aloneness, you are at peace. It is like dropping all the makings of the world and listening deeply. There is something that would speak to you. Have you created the inner space for it? 

Have you opened your heart with wanton desire to receive it? "Be still and know that I am God." Be still. 


Take time to practice aloneness. It will put everything in perspective because when you are alone, nothing else exists. 

It is like the contentment of being in the womb. Everything is provided and you are safe and nourished. No wonder babies cry when they leave the peace of the womb. They are essentially leaving the Garden of Eden, where there is love and no stress. 

As you get stronger, the craziness of the material world dissolves and what remains is you — vast and still like the forest at dusk or a clear, calm mountain lake. Be still and you will know yourself.

That is mastery.

Jean Walters is the author of Set Yourself Free: Live the Life YOU Were Meant To Live! and Be Outrageous: Do the Impossible — Others Have And You Can Too! available on Amazon.


YourTango may earn an affiliate commission if you buy something through links featured in this article.