Heartbreak

20 Things To Do IMMEDIATELY After You Find Out He Cheated

Reeling from infidelity? Start to recover with these 20 tips.

By C. Mellie Smith — Written on May 11, 2017

Photo: Halfpoint / Shutterstock
woman mad at husband

If you’ve recently found out that your boyfriend or husband has been cheating on you, your mind is probably going a million miles an hour, trying to figure out what to do next and what to make of it all. If so, this is completely understandable. No one can be expected to think clearly at a time like this.

Confusion is normal during the aftermath of infidelity.

The best thing to do right now is to sit down and take a breath. Take a few days of "you time" to collect yourself and decompress. You don’t have to do anything right now except to take care of yourself.

And when you’re ready to take action, here are 20 things to do when you find out he cheated in order to start recovering and repair the damage:

1. Don’t make any hasty decisions.

You might want to leave him in hysterics or run back into his arms immediately. Slow down and let the dust start to settle before taking any decisive action. The sense of urgency you have right now is an emotional trap, one that might leave you full of regret if you do something you can’t take back.

The right decisions will come to you in time, so don’t be in a hurry.​

2. Practice proper self-care.

After what you’ve experienced, you’re probably already emotionally drained and exhausted.

Don’t make a bad situation worse by neglecting your personal needs. Make sure to eat healthy meals, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep every night if you want to maintain emotional stability.

3. Experience your negative feelings, but don’t dwell on them.

Things will be tough enough without inviting sadness or despair into your life unnecessarily.

4. Make sure that your practical needs are all taken care of.

You can’t start to recover from infidelity if you don’t have the basic necessities in place. Find out what your options are and work towards securing adequate housing, money, and all the other things you can’t live without.

5. Have some compassion. 

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Whether you stay in the relationship or not, practice as much compassion with him as you can. You have every right in the world to be furious, heartbroken, and spiteful, but acting on these impulses will only make things more difficult for you in the long run.

6. Seek and accept outside help, including individual or couples therapy.

Support from friends and family is critical at this time, but you also deserve help from someone with clinical expertise.

7. Don’t torture yourself.

Stop imaging scenarios or obsessing over what you could have done to prevent him from cheating.

8. Expect and accept only the best from here on out.

Attitude is everything when it comes to recovering from infidelity. Have faith in yourself and only spend time with people who appreciate you.

9. Focus on the future, not the past.

Morbid reflection and playing "what if" will make you even more miserable. Establish reasonable goals for rebuilding your life and take the appropriate actions.

10. Be patient.

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This is crucial no matter what you decide to do about the relationship. Whatever decision you make, it will take time for all this confusion to resolve itself in your head.

11. Do not argue with him or allow him to argue with you.

Discussing things calmly and reasonably is great, but letting things devolve into a screaming match will hurt both of you.

12. Calmly express to him exactly how you feel about what happened.

Insist that he listen closely as you tell him what effect his infidelity has had on your emotional state. Don’t accuse, yell, or blame. Simply tell him how you feel and make sure that he understands completely.

13. By the same token, listen to him.

Listen closely when he tells you how he feels and the reasons he had for going outside your relationship for attention. Even if you don’t plan to stay with him, active listening will help you find the empathy and closure you need to move on and get healthy.

14. Take a vacation!

Get away from it all with a few days or rest, relaxation, and fun. You’ll come back calm, recharged, and ready to move on to better things.

15. Compartmentalize what’s happened.

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Infidelity is the most intimate form of betrayal you can experience, but your relationship is still only one aspect of your life. Take whatever steps are necessary to take care of yourself, but don’t let your partner’s actions harm other important aspects of your life.

Recovering from infidelity is difficult enough, but it can become absolutely crippling if other areas suffer.

16. Be present and mindful.

This is a huge part of compartmentalizing the infidelity and keeping it where it belongs. Pay close attention to what’s happening in and around you, including the challenges and successes that others experience.

Don’t squander the opportunities you have by ruminating constantly on the infidelity or what it says about you as a woman.

17. Don’t try to predict the future.

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This is a crucial part of the healing process, partly because it keeps you open to possibilities for growth and partly because it keeps you from being paralyzed with anxiety.

Remember that you literally have no idea what’s going to happen in the next few months or years. The illusion that you can accurately forecast the future will cause you to squander a lot of time and keep you fearful.

18. Stay engaged with the other parts of your life.

The period after he’s cheated on you is no time to isolate yourself, so make sure you stay in constant contact with friends, family, and the pleasurable activities you participated in before the infidelity.

Many of us tend to fall out of touch with what matters to us while we’re deeply involved with a partner, so it might be time to renew or deepen these important relationships.

19. Seek new experiences.

There’s no better way to change your perspective than to open yourself up to new places, activities, and people. Not only will this help keep you from obsessing over what he did to hurt you, it will also give you direct proof that there’s life after infidelity, even if you don’t choose to reconcile.

20. Educate yourself.

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Learn everything you can on the subject of infidelity.

This will help accomplish at least two important things. First, it will prevent you from blaming yourself for his actions. Second, it will help you realize that his infidelity came from emotional insecurity, not from a desire to hurt you.

We know how much infidelity hurts. Click here to get the help and resources you need to stop the craziness and get over the pain and heartbreak of the betrayal.