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Why would he cheat if he loves you? It's complicated.
By Marcelina Hardy — Written on Jun 21, 2021
Some people may say "once a cheater always a cheater," but that's not true 100% of the time. Sometimes after infidelity, there are some signs he regrets cheating and wants the opportunity to stay with you.
Do men regret cheating?
He betrayed you in the worst way possible by having an affair. While cheating on you may make you feel like there is no way that he loves you, it's not always that clear-cut.
Men cheat for many reasons and most of the time it's not because they don't love their partners.
We can't make a generalization about whether or not men regret cheating. Different men will feel different levels of remorse and guilt, and some may not have the empathy and conscience necessary to regret and feel remorse for what they did.
When your boyfriend cheats on you but you still love him, there are some good signs you can look for that suggest he does regret cheating.
When you hear him say, "Please don't leave me ... I really do love you," take into account some of the signs that he is telling the truth.
Whether you take him back or not after that will depend on many other factors, and should be done with caution if you do.
Here are 10 signs he regrets cheating:
1. He stops the affair.
Knowing that you are about to leave him scares him so much that he stops the affair immediately.
He doesn't want to lose you because you really are the one he loves.
2. He promises to do anything for you.
It can be difficult for men to lay everything down on the line to make the relationship work. If he truly breaks down and tells you he will do absolutely anything to have you back, you may have someone who truly does love you.
3. He seeks professional help.
He wants to know why he had the affair and hurt the one person he loves most. To do this, he seeks counseling to help uncover the mystery, and show you that he is serious; he didn't cheat because he doesn't love you.
He might even suggest couples therapy for both of you so that you two can work things out with a professional. This willingness to take this extra step and get help shows he actually regrets cheating and wants to fix the relationship.
4. He admits his cheating to others.
Men don’t want to come clean about their mistakes. If he holds himself accountable and tells everyone how much he messed up, you know he regrets what he did.
If he didn't really regret cheating, he would keep it secret because he wouldn't want to mess up his reputation. If he cares more about you than his image, you know he still loves you.
5. He follows through with promises.
If you’ve told him he must do a list of things to show you he truly loves you, and he does everything you ask, you know that he is committed to you ... and only you. Men who don't regret cheating don't want to put in the effort to prove their love to you.
It is hard to believe he didn’t cheat on you to hurt you, especially because you are so hurt. Some men truly don’t think about their significant others when they have an affair.
It may not make any sense to you, and it may make you want to run far away from him so you never hurt again, but this is something to consider.
6. He is remorseful, not guilty.
When a man gets caught cheating, he may feel either guilty, remorseful, both, or neither.
How cheaters feel about themselves depends on their personality. They may feel as though they haven't really done much wrong and that their cheating was justified somehow, or they might feel like a terrible monster.
If he's feeling guilty, that means he's only ashamed because he got caught. When he's feeling remorse, that means he regrets cheating in the first place. Guilt is more about his feelings than yours. Remorse is based on empathy and shows he is truly aware of how much pain his cheating has caused you.
7. He apologizes more than once.
If he takes the time to give you a thoughtful apology more than once, he really does care about you.
Dr. Jennifer Thomas and Gary Chapman believe there are apology languages just like love languages, and outline proper ways to apologize.
In a good apology, men take full responsibility for their actions, and they acknowledge the pain they caused you. They don't blame you for "causing" them to cheat.
A man who regrets cheating will not be defensive or trying to shift the blame. Owning what he did and expressing his awareness of how he hurt you shows how much he regrets what he did.
8. He is willing to work (and wait) to regain your trust.
A man who regrets cheating doesn't put a timeline on your forgiveness. He doesn't expect you to "get over it" and go back to trusting him as you did before or want to pretend like things are completely fine.
If he loves you, he'll be patient with the work it takes to start rebuilding trust. There'd be no reason for him to put in the time and work if he didn't regret his actions.
9. He is more open with you.
Cheating involves a lot of hurtful secrecy, so you'll know he wants to make things work with you if he's suddenly more open, honest, and genuine than ever before. People who don't regret cheating might pull away even more, but if there's true regret, you'll see a lot of change.
10. Others notice changes in him.
Close friends and others in your circles should be able to see that he's a changed man. You shouldn't have to insist to your friends that he's changed after cheating—his behavior should speak for itself. A man who regrets cheating will work to better himself in drastic ways.
Does cheating affect men?
Men don't take breakups and other relationship hurts as hard as women do, but they often push down their emotions afterward and cope in much less healthy ways.
How do you know he's guilty of cheating?
You won't know for sure unless you catch him, but there are some red flags that might let you know he's guilty of cheating.
If he's acting distant, picking fights with you and talking about the relationship ending during those fights, hiding his phone, criticizing you, accusing you of cheating, no longer telling you he loves you, buying you lots of gifts out of guilt, and has trouble accepting it when you do nice things for him, or if your gut is telling you things just feel off, you might want to confront him.
How do you get over being cheated on?
Being cheated on is devastating and can impact how you navigate future relationships. To get over being cheated on, you can seek therapy, lean on your friends, focus on things that boost your self-esteem, and recite affirmations that remind you of your worth and the fact that his cheating says more about him than it does about you.
Recovering from being cheated on is hard. It can be traumatic. But it might be worth trying to recover together.
How do you know if a cheater is still cheating?
If a cheater is still displaying some of the same red flags, making vague statements about where he is going or what he is doing in his free time, and is distant physically and emotionally, it's likely that he's still cheating.
But if he truly didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't do everything above.
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Marcelina Hardy is an author, life coach, marriage educator, and relationship coach.