4 Ways To Build A Relationship Template To Have It All At Work And At Home

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woman discovering relationship template

You want to learn how to be your best self. But, does the idea of doing any of the following make you want to run for the hills?

A confrontation with your partner.

Setting boundaries with a parent.

Disappointing a friend.

If you answered "yes" to any of these, you’re not alone. These scenarios challenge your comfort zone, but the good news is that you can improve your emotional intelligence so you can move past your fears.

In her two decades as a psychotherapist, relationship strategist Shyamala Kiru saw a common narrative among her female clients: high-performing, successful women who seemed to have it all on the outside but didn’t know how to show up in their personal lives.

When you avoid difficult conversations, you’ll struggle to maintain authentic relationships.

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Here are 4 tips for building a relationship template to be your best self and have it all.

1. Understand your relationship template.

Your relationship template is the way you’re programmed to interact with others. You don’t choose it — it’s handed to you from your family of origin and is usually communicated at an unconscious level.

This template determines how you handle conflict, how you express emotions, what you’re ashamed of, and what you won’t talk about with others.

Nearly everyone takes their relationship template with them into their adult relationships.

If the template is damaged — and it usually is to some degree — you struggle to show up in an authentic way. But, if you take the time to understand it, you can improve it.

2. Shift your mindset.

To improve your relationship template, you must accept responsibility for your part. Even the most difficult relationships still involve two people — and you’re one of them.

When you shift your mindset to one of awareness and accountability for your own actions, you’ll start to see familiar traps and limiting beliefs that direct your interactions with others.

Also, don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Focus on your own actions — and reactions.

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3. Learn your communication style.

Once you’re more aware of how you operate, it’s time to reprogram the way you communicate.

Most people approach from a problematic or toxic communication style, or more likely, a combination of competing styles.

These include:

Passive: You don’t share what you truly think, feel, or need. You fear conflict and avoid "rocking the boat."

Aggressive: You have a high need for control and are overly invested in the outcome of a conversation that you're forcing to go your way.

Passive-Aggressive: You tend to be manipulative and controlling. You don’t always directly express your wishes but you make sure they happen in the end.

When you’re stressed, you most likely gravitate to one of the above. All are unhealthy. But there's another way.

4. Be assertive.

It’s time for a new and improved communication style to go with your relationship template: assertive. This may sound off-putting, but it’s actually empowering for everyone involved.

When you practice assertive communication, you’re comfortable asking for what you want regardless of whether or not you get it. This does two powerful things: it allows you to let go of the outcome and gives the other party the freedom to comfortably say "no."

This can feel awkward at first, but it’s important to remember that the outcome of a difficult conversation is not where your power lies.

When you’re too invested in the outcome, you’ve already given away your power.

The benefits of assertive communication are plentiful: you’ll sleep better, have less anxiety, feel less pressure, have more confidence, and build more authentic relationships.

When you learn to show up as your best self with a concrete relationship template, you can maintain your feminine energy but hold your space powerfully.

When you do, everyone in your life will benefit. So, live your life, set goals, and feel good about it.

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Hilary DeCesare is the Founder and CEO of The ReLaunch Co. She’s appeared on ABC’s The Secret Millionaire and on major news outlets such as CBS, ABC, Fox, Huffington Post, and Yahoo, and offers several ReLaunch courses and coaching. To connect with her directly or for media requests please email

This article was originally published at The ReLaunch Co.. Reprinted with permission from the author.