What To Do When The Person You Love Has A Fear Of Commitment

Is he a commitment-phobe?

What To Do When The Person You Love Has A Fear Of Commitment unsplash / Bianca Berg

Taking control of your dating situation may be difficult to contemplate, but it's important to take time to think about your relationship and whether or not it is the love connection you’ve always wanted.

This is especially important if you find yourself in a relationship with someone with a fear of commitment.

If you're ready to stop hanging out while he gets his act together, grows up, and realizes you're the one he truly desires, then consider this plan of action.


RELATED: 4 Ways To Overcome A Debilitating Fear Of Commitment

Here are 3 ways you can talk about commitment and in your relationship when your guy isn't ready to commit:

1. Stop pretending you're okay without commitment

If you’ve been dating for a long time and wonder why he hasn’t talked about taking the next step or proposed, it’s time to stop guessing and have a conversation. You need complete honesty in a calm, respectful dialog.


That means you must respect yourself enough to be willing to stop pretending you’re okay without the proposal, ring, and marriage.

While this is not a conversation to have on the first few dates, it is important he knows about your future desires before either of you commit to an exclusive relationship.

This way neither of you will be wasting the other’s time if marriage is not even on the table as a future possibility.

Assuming you’ve been in an exclusive monogamous relationship for a reasonable length of time (your personal definition of months or years, not weeks) and he seems content to carry on like this indefinitely, it’s time to re-visit your desires.


You could say something like, “I’m feeling a bit confused lately and would like to check-in with you to see if we're on the same page. I love our relationship and the life we’ve been living together. I also want you to know I’m not going to be happy with continuing to just be boyfriend and girlfriend forever. I’m wondering how you feel about where our relationship is going.”

Stop, breathe and say nothing to give him a chance to respond. His response will tell you everything you need to know to move ahead with your life.

RELATED: How To Know If You Have A Fear Of Commitment (& How To Overcome It)


2. Stop accepting lame excuses.

If he says he’s not ready for marriage, please know he’s probably not being honest with you. What he really means is he’s not ready for marriage with you.

Yes, it is personal to you because if you’ve had a balanced relationship with emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical intimacy he wouldn’t be making excuses, he’d be making plans for your permanent future together.

It’s better for you to know now, regardless of the length of time you’ve given the relationship. Express your gratitude for his willingness to talk with you about this subject and let him know you’ll be giving your relationship with him serious thought right away.

Make sure he knows your desires have not changed and you’ll be quickly making important decisions to move forward with your life, quite possibly without him.


No demands, no ultimatums — they never work out long-term. Be sure you feel confident and truly ready to accept the outcome before you have this crucial conversation.

3. Start making new plans.

This means you must be ready to part ways and live your own life. Find your own measure of happiness. Keep your options open. Don’t give up hope that there is a match for you.

I know you’ve invested everything in this relationship and now it’s time to show yourself that you matter, your future matters and you’re unwilling to hang-out any longer in this indefinite limbo-land, hoping and praying he’ll have a change of heart. That’s unlikely to happen.

If he says reluctantly, "okay, let’s get married," please know his lack of enthusiasm will be toxic to your future together. Do you really want to marry someone who acts like he's being led off to prison?


A mature man who is head-over-heels in love with you will be overjoyed at the thought of spending the rest of his life with you as husband and wife. Don’t settle for a quick, “okay let’s put a ring on it,“ or “Let’s get married.”

You want a real proposal and so does he. Most men love being romantic, especially with a woman who responds joyfully at his heartfelt gestures.

Remember, you can’t answer a question you haven’t been asked. It doesn’t have to be fancy, super expensive or exotic, but his proposal does have to be genuine and come from a place of love and desire, not demand.

RELATED: 6 Signs Your Commitment Issues Are Keeping You Single


Gayla Wick is a love relationship coach and author who helps single women attract and sustain their authentic love connection. You’re invited to join her weekly blog post community for relationship tips and advice.