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Anger can be a powerful weapon or a powerful tool for getting your point across.
By Mary Ellen Goggin Jerry Duberstein — Written on Apr 04, 2019
Keeping your cool in your relationship when your other half is pushing your buttons may be aggravating. But, being calm is the key to learning better communication skills with your spouse.
Be honest. There’s nothing like a heated adrenaline rush to make you feel liberated and justified when you’re angry. All those pent-up aggravations you’ve been stuffing behind a smile? All the times you’ve picked up the slack, covered for your spouse’s irresponsibility, and was the bigger person?
Enough already! How are you ever going to make your self-centered partner finally get it if you don’t blow some steam?
We’ve all been there and no doubt will be again. It’s really difficult to be nice when you’re upset. Throw in the "nothing-is-going-right" irritants that love to show up at the most inconvenient time and letting-it-rip may be just one eye-roll away.
But if one of your relationship goals is to ease up on your anger issues and communicate with your spouse better, then brutal honesty is best left off the table. The midst of anger is actually one of the most important moments for kindness.
According to Dr. John Gottman, couples who start arguments gently are more likely to manage conflict effectively without harming the relationship. In those moments, he can actually predict the success or failure of the relationship with greater than 90 percent accuracy.
Kindness isn’t a panacea for anger and other negative feelings that need to be expressed. It’s a choice to handle those feelings maturely by expressing them in a constructive manner. It’s also an expression of prioritizing the long-term good of the relationship over your own feelings at the moment.
Anger has a way of trying to force a change in behavior. But, it’s always the other person it wants to change. So tactics go to war with each other — guilt trips, avoidance, shouting, or distance.
At some point, you have to decide what your goals are when it comes to expressing your anger. Is it to make your spouse feel as rotten as you feel? Is it to unload so you don’t have to spend your days fuming? Is it to punish your spouse or get revenge?
If it’s important to communicate with your spouse better, then your goals will be more about feeling heard. You will want mutual understanding, growth, and a deepened intimacy. You will want to believe that you can get your needs met.
And you will want to know that your marriage can come away stronger simply because of how you communicated.
Ironically, the urge to vent your anger by shouting and saying regretful things doesn’t get you heard. Kindness, however, does.
We all know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone’s wrath. Our energy gets directed toward self-protection or a counter-attack, and not toward genuine listening.
When you are kind, you allow your partner to really hear you. You inspire him or her to want to hear you and to respond with compassion. And in the end, you get your needs met.
Now that you know the importance of communication in relationships and marriage, it's time for you to learn how to improve communication skills and how to control anger.
And the key to achieving this is by changing the way you listen and express yourself. It starts with holding your partnership in the sacred top spot and remembering that you and your partner are on the same team. You need to have one another’s best interest at heart and stay in integrity.
Here are 10 effective ways to have better communication in your relationship when you're angry at your spouse.
1. Think good thoughts about your spouse
The time to begin this exercise obviously isn’t when you’re at wit’s end. By practicing kind thoughts and actions on a daily basis (even on the tough days), it’s easier to think, speak, and behave positively.
Make note of your partner’s kind actions, no matter how small. Just keep them in the "notes to self" file and let them nourish your perspective of your spouse.
2. Accept responsibility for your own emotions and feelings
It’s understandably challenging to slow down when anger has reached its tipping point. But by taking the time to sit with your feelings before expressing them, you may uncover some root feelings that will shape your own understanding.
Process your feelings by writing them and/or sharing them with a therapist. Think of it as listening to yourself before expecting your spouse to listen to you.
3. Have compassion for your spouse’s point of view
The basis of conflict always comes down to an inability to see past one’s own experiences, perspectives, and problems.
Think about your spouse’s perspective. Ask yourself, "How would I feel in his/her shoes? How does my behavior affect him/her?" Even if you still have something difficult to share, compassion will help to soften it.
4. Think before you speak
Consider the consequences of your words, and never say anything that you will have to reel in later — because your spouse won’t forget.
Be clear and honest, but not hurtful.
5. Use mirroring
An effective way of showing you have listened and truly want to understand your spouse’s perspective is to use mirroring.
Repeat your interpretation of what your spouse has said and back it up with validation of their feelings.
6. Don’t push buttons
The magic of romantic and intimate love is that it has the unique ability to heal emotional wounds. But that requires vulnerability and vulnerability also gives the person sworn to love you the power to hurt you.
No matter how angry or hurt you are, don’t go near your spouse’s buttons. Just don’t.
7. Use "I" statements
Nothing builds walls like a barrage of "you" statements — "You did/didn’t...", "You always/never...," or "You make me feel…"
Speak with responsibility for the only person you can control: yourself.
8. Use relationship-affirming body language
Face one another. Sit close. Make eye contact. Use validating touch. Demonstrate that you are fully present and interested.
9. Keep your team spirit
Remember what team you are on, and don’t approach communication as a competition. There are no winners if the relationship doesn’t win.
10. Remember the power of a sincere apology
There is nothing like the words “I’m sorry” being spoken softly and genuinely to assuage anger and engender goodwill. There is always something that each of you can express remorse for.
When you're in a relationship or married, committing to communicating with your partner better is foundational to the success of your relationship. Anger may be an unpleasant feeling, but it doesn’t have to be expressed unpleasantly.
Communicating with kindness has transformative powers, especially when difficult emotions are involved. It allows both of you to come to the table as the best of yourselves. And in the process, you have the exclusive opportunity to hold one another’s heart in your hands.
Dr. Jerry Duberstein is a couples therapist and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, is a relationship guide. They offer private couples retreats, couples counseling and coaching (telephone, Skype, or in person) in the quaint seaport, Portsmouth, NH. To learn more schedule a 1/2 hour complimentary consultation.
This article was originally published at The Free & Connected blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.