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Plus, how to tell if you're steps away from divorce.
By Shannon Hall — Written on Oct 11, 2016
If you’ve been with your partner for a year or more, I am sure at some point you’ve considered the "m-word." So how do you know when you’re ready?
In my experience working with couples, the #1 sign that you’re ready for marriage is pretty simple: You each have the desire to grow — as individuals and as a couple.
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Put another way, you actively seek out ways that you can continuously be more epic for each other.
If this is you, then you have the right mindset for marriage. But let me clarify here. This mindset prepares you for a certain kind of marriage — a partnership marriage.
This means that you’re ready to form a union as two free and equal individuals, based on a commitment to support one another’s growth on all levels.
This type of marriage is different from what I call "romantic marriages."
In romantic marriages, couples marry because they are looking for personal happiness. They fall in love with each other because their needs for connection, fulfillment, and romance are so easily met by this other person — especially in the early stage of the relationship.
On the surface, everything seems great.
Unfortunately, most of these couples stall out once they realize that it's not so easy to meet each other's needs all the time.
Most never learned how to identify their own needs and ask for what they want, let alone know learn how to ask and fulfill the needs of their partner.
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In a romantic marriage, each individual assumes that his/her partner "automatically" knows what the other needs. When those needs are not met, they fight. When fights escalate and become more frequent, couples break up.
It’s a pretty standard formula, really. This view of marriage, albeit simplified, is the #1 reason for today’s divorce rate. It climbed rapidly to 50 percent in the 1970's and has remained relatively stable until the present day.
In a partnership marriage, on the other hand, individuals do not assume that their partner is a mind reader. They ask about each other’s needs regularly. They seek feedback from each other in genuinely curious and compassionate ways.
So... which type of marriage do you want? A romantic marriage or a partnership marriage?
I'm going to assume that since you're reading this article, you want a partnership marriage. To that end, I want to share with you an extremely useful skill to get you going in the right direction. Who knows? It may even save you a trip to Divorce Town.
Based on insights from the science of relationships, we know that there are certain universal needs in partnership. They include:
- being appreciated
- feeling emotionally connected
- being sexually fulfilled
- finding support for career/life dreams
- establishing financial security
- seeking fun and pleasure
- being intellectually stimulated
- creating domestic comfort
- finding deeper spiritual meaning in life
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Sounds pretty great, right? Who wouldn’t want these things in a partnership?
Now I know that asking about needs is not something that comes naturally to most people. That’s why I created the "Couple’s Report Card." It’s a fun and easy way to take the pulse on your relationship to see how well you are meeting each other’s needs.
This is a fascinating date night activity and a fun way to build a core skill for lifelong love in a partnership marriage. Even if you've been married for years and years, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the conversations this activity will generate for you and your partner.
Download the free Couple’s Report Card here. Enjoy!
