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If there is no trust, then there is no relationship.
By Jillian & Jan Yuhas — Last updated on Dec 10, 2023
You know that feeling when your head is spinning around and around on a merry-go-round? Have you experienced this with your partner, too?
All you want is for your relationship to be easygoing, but it really does not seem to go that way, no matter how hard you try. The more you ask for things, the more your partner pulls back, causing relationship problems.
And when you ask why they will not share your relationship on social media, their answers are usually ludicrous. You do not feel like you are really being that difficult.
But, right when you reach your limit, your partner reels you back in by having their best friend call you to get you back on their good side. You are wondering if this rollercoaster ride will ever end.
All of these things point to trust issues in your relationship. Trust in a relationship is incredibly important. And if you really stop to think about it, it makes so much sense. If you don't have trust, then what do you have?
As much as you love the adrenaline rush, it is time for your relationship to sprout into something more sustainable for longevity. Here's some relationship advice and 10 signs that mean you and your partner don't trust each other.
Here are 10 tiny signs your relationship is suffering from serious trust issues:
1. You keep tabs on him on social media
You secretly maintain a record of your partner’s post likes, who they follow, and unfollow. You word vomit on each one of their posts, fiercely marking your territory.
It is as if you are the master of your partner, while they abide by your rules of who they can and cannot be friends with. And the minute your partner meets a new friend of the opposite gender, you immediately debrief how they know them.
While it is okay to be cognizant of new friends entering your partner’s life, questioning them every second you get is way too much. To prevent unnecessary questioning, you will want to create a deeper bond of trust.
Otherwise, it may only be a matter of time before your insecurities will destroy your relationship.
2. You pick fights for attention
You are falling short on how to receive positive admiration from your partner. The minute you feel the slightest distance creep up between the two of you, you create a dramatic scenario to see if your partner cares about you.
Constantly playing the victim is the name of your game. This makes your partner feel like they need to validate you on a regular basis to keep things amicable.
Eventually, this game will grow tiresome on your partner. The endless bickering is emotionally draining and taking the fun out of your relationship. Your partner is not responsible for giving you the security you crave. That is an inside job you will need to develop with self-love and positive affirmations.
Working on your self-worth and self-love will do wonders in receiving the positive attention you desire from your partner.
3. You play control games
Your messages and calls receive no replies for hours on end. It frustrates you terribly, putting you in a bad mood. You do not understand why your partner continues to ignore you, as you have asked them repeatedly to not disrespect your values of open communication.
Six hours go by and you finally see a message pop up on your screen with their name. And, at this point, you are upset because your partner has been stonewalling you.
So, you decide not to respond by treating them the same way they are treating you. It becomes a vicious cycle until one of you decides to cave in and end the Stone Cold War.
With communication being the lifeline of your relationship, it appears you might be headed for Splitsville. If the communication channels do not reach a mature level, then getting your needs met will be a challenge.
Establishing a boundary based on your value of open communication is the ultimate way to shut down the mind games. And, if your partner does not cease the behavior after setting the boundary, then you will have to decide if you want to continue engaging in this style of communication.
4. You constantly check his phone
You check your partner’s incoming and outgoing calls as well as text messages to see who they are talking to every day. The minute their phone vibrates, you ask, "Who is that?"
You have become a drill sergeant, wanting to know about every conversation they have and what it is in regards to. It has become apparent you do not trust or have respect for your partner.
Trust is everything in a relationship. It takes time to build it and only seconds to lose it. When you have your partner’s trust, it is important to value it. So, unless your partner is acting in a manner that breaks your trust, giving them their privacy is the respectful thing to do.
5. You play tit for tat
You feel as if you do more for your partner than they do for you. The giving and receiving in your relationship is the complete opposite of a balancing act. You feel your partner does not love you as much as you love them and it’s beginning to weigh on you.
You surprise them with tickets to their favorite bands, handle most of the laundry, take them out to dinner, and pay most of the household bills. And you are happy to do all that you do for them because you understand they work longer hours than you.
Even though it is easier for you to handle most of the things around the house, you feel they are taking advantage of your kindness.
While no relationship will ever fully be balanced out on a day-to-day basis, playing tit for tat means you are not genuinely giving. Giving comes from the heart without expectations of something in return.
If you feel like your relationship is one-sided, then you may need to re-evaluate whether your partner is respecting you. You cannot date a taker without being a giver, too.
6. You stay in contact all day
Being away from your partner during the workday is like death to you. You cannot wait to get home and snuggle up on the couch, eat pizza, and watch Netflix with them. You are inseparable. Without your partner, you feel lost in life.
To get through the workday, you message each other nonstop. From sending memes to each other to making a mockery of your bosses, your inbox is filled with alerts. It is so bad, that you have even been blocked by the IT department from instant messaging on your computer because it is beginning to affect your productivity.
Constant contact with your partner can often lead to enmeshment. This is an unhealthy dependency where you rely on your partner to fulfill all of your needs. When enmeshment occurs, it can often lead to a lack of healthy lifestyle functioning.
Healthy relationships need space to flourish and grow. Spending too much time together does not allow for you and your partner to meet your individual needs outside of the relationship. When your health suffers, then so will the connection you share.
7. You bring in a third-party
You and your partner have a mutual friend you rely on for support outside of your relationship. When discord erupts, you both run to your mutual friend, expressing your side of the story.
You and your partner rely on your friend to take sides, choosing who is right or wrong. It is the only way to resolve the fight, as you both cannot seem to work through it alone.
Bringing in a third party to resolve your and your partner’s discord is known as triangulation. You both refuse to speak to one another about the discord, and you rely on an outside source to do the talking for you. When this occurs, this keeps you from developing healthy conflict-resolution skills.
To work on having a healthy relationship and resolve your differences, working as a unified team will be the best thing for you. If you cannot resolve, it will be best to hire a relationship coach who can teach you constructive communication skills.
8. You keep an ex on the back burner
Your relationship is as stable as a boat with a hole in the bottom of it. At any given moment, you may have to jump overboard. You break up and get back together every other week due to petty fights. As much as you want to be with your partner, you do not feel the relationship gives you the security you desire.
So, you keep your ex on speed dial for empathy when things head south. Keeping your ex in your life to deal with your current relationship troubles will prevent you from fully embracing your new relationship. Knowing you have a way out at any given time does not force you to own up to your actions and work through things maturely.
When you have nothing but the two of you to face your issues, then it forces you to work through what is going on beneath the surface. Getting to the root of the problem will be key to moving forward without the help of relying on your ex, who’s only a band-aid.
9. You engage in text message wars
Facing your partner when you're arguing is beyond terrifying for you. You run from conflict faster than a cheetah. When it comes to working through it, having a face-to-face conversation is out of the question.
So, you hide behind a screen and engage in text message wars. You send excessive, long-winded messages expressing your concerns, yet nothing seems to get resolved. It usually exacerbates the situation, leading to more misunderstanding than you started with.
The best way to resolve issues with your partner is to calmly address them face-to-face. This allows for further understanding of the issue, minimizes confusion, and often makes it easier to come to a resolution.
And if the conversation becomes emotionally elevated, then take a ten-minute break to re-center. After the break, regroup as a couple and understand you are in it together and need to actively listen to each other to find a resolution.
10. You focus on the "me" and not "we"
You only care about me, myself, and I. As long as you get what you need and want in the relationship, that is all that matters.
You consistently put your own needs before your relationship. And, you do not even care that your relationship is beginning to suffer. Your selfish ways are starting to be too much to handle.
It seems you have not figured out that a relationship consists of two individuals working together for a greater sum of the two. If your relationship’s needs are not being met and you refuse to compromise, then prepare for your partner to find someone more willing to put "we" before "me".
If you are currently experiencing relationship hiccups, then we recommend setting aside some time to communicate your concerns with your partner. You also may want to take some time to reflect on your behaviors and how you may be contributing to the immaturity of the relationship dynamic.
Since mature relationship protocols and conflict resolution tools are not formally taught, seeking an outside neutral source can be beneficial to you as a couple. This can help eliminate any confusion around what one partner may consider as juvenile, whereas the other may see it as an expression of their feelings.
A relationship professional can assist in working through what is healthiest for the relationship to survive before it is too late.
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Jan and Jillian Yuhas are dating and relationship lifestyle coaches who help men attract the women they want. They have been featured in The Good Men Project, Thrive Global, Shoutout DFW, and more.