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These people know what they want in life.
By Dr Elayne Daniels
Last updated on Jan 20, 2024
Can you learn how to be assertive? You know, that person at work, the grocery store, or the gym who is self-assured and confident, but not aggressive?
The person who is kind, sincere, and able to form bridges between people? This person demonstrates assertiveness.
Assertiveness is a critical life skill and a learnable one.
But, assertive people are not necessarily born that way. Rather, they value communication and are willing to work on improving their communication style and habits.
Here are 9 tiny habits that will make you more assertive than most people:
1. Assertive people are self-confident
You know who you are, what you like, and what you dislike. You value yourself, but not in an "over the top," arrogant way.
You're confident in your opinions, yet you do not believe that you're superior. You recognize that you, too, have strengths and weaknesses.
2. They have self-respect and respect for others
You welcome all opinions without judgment. You don't criticize people whose opinions are different from yours. You also know how to manage rejection.
Your behaviors align with your conscience. You don't make decisions to simply receive approval from others, but rather to be consistent with your values.
Like everyone else, you would like to be acknowledged by others. However, if this doesn't happen, you don't fall into the rabbit hole of acting against your conscience.
3. Assertive people are often good listeners
You're able to tune into people when in conversation with them. You are not distracted, thinking about your reply while seemingly listening.
4. They are comfortable with compromise
You recognize shades of gray and that few things in life are "all or none."
You are not looking to be the "winner" — because there is no battle.
5. Assertive people validate others' feelings
When in conversation, you're aware of people’s feelings. You know that it's insensitive to dismiss their point of view or get into a boxing match.
Your overall ability to communicate is excellent. You know that problems are often due to miscommunication and that improved communication can resolve many problems.
6. Assertive people are sincere
Beliefs, not benefits, motivate you.
You don't seek or remain in relationships with ongoing conflict. You value good relationships — sans the hypocrisy or lies.
7. They have humility
You recognize that all people, including yourself, are human beings. To be human means to be flawed.
None of us is perfect. You are well aware of this fact and use your own "flaws" as motivation to become a better human.
8. Assertive people are good at self-regulation
This is the ability to remain in a "zone of tolerance" with difficult emotions. When you feel emotions such as anger or frustration, you process them in a calm and controlled manner.
You don't lash out or otherwise improperly express your feelings. You're also able to help other people remain in their zone of tolerance, so that they, too, don't lose control of their feelings.
9. They set boundaries
You recognize that not everyone is going to get along — that's how human nature works. Others may have built up resentments or harbor negative desires.
You recognize you aren’t necessarily going to change that. Instead, you know where and how to draw a line. You also recognize that not everyone will necessarily like you.
It would be rare for someone to innately possess these characteristics. As humans, we all have work to do on self-growth and personal development.
Being aware of how assertiveness would look, sound, and feel in your interactions is a great place to start.
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Dr. Elayne Daniels, NHSP, RYT is a renowned psychologist and a professional conference speaker on the topics of eating disorders, body image, and more, and has been a featured guest on local radio and television programs and a variety of blogs.