Grow that bond.
By Dr. Alicia H. Clark — Written on Jul 28, 2017
We all have our preferred ways of winding down after a long day, and we are creatures of habit, to be sure.
Bedtime is also a time when we naturally let go of our day and turn toward our most personal needs, including relaxation and also connection.
But sometimes relaxing and connecting are not always the same thing, and our seemingly benign habits might actually be hurting our relationship.
Here are some ways your bedtime routine, as relaxing as it might be, might actually be driving a wedge between you and your partner — and how to fix them for a stronger, more loving relationship.
1. Plan to be in bed together at the same time.
Making a habit of going to bed at different times can make it tough to feel connected.
This is seldom intentional, but it can be quite straining nonetheless. When your partner isn’t with you or is already asleep, it can be lonely to end every day on your own, which can create distance between you.
What to do to fix it: What can you do to get bedtimes closer together, or at least be in bed together sooner in the evening?
2. Schedule more time for sleep.
Whether to finish that movie you started or to stave off an upcoming stressful day, putting off bedtime can have a stealthy negative effect on relationships.
Sleep loss can lead to increased anxiety, moodiness, poor concentration and decision-making, and emotional unavailability, all of which can make connecting with your partner, and being a good partner, challenging.
More than just our habits before bed, disrespecting the importance of sleep or simply getting by on inadequate sleep can put a real strain on the quality of our relationships.
What to do to fix it: How can you do to get more sleep, even if 30 – 45 minutes?
3. Cruise social media together from your bed.
Even if we know we shouldn’t have our devices in bed, most people do, even if it is to set a sleep app or an alarm to wake you up in the morning.
Having your electronics can make it harder to resist the curiosity of social media, and the temptation to connect virtually instead of with your partner.
Intentional or not, the message sent to your partner is that others are more important than them, a nonverbal message that hurts, and can erode your bond.
What to do to fix it: By including your partner in your social media use and bedtime activities, you make bedtime a shared time that facilitates closeness.
4. Prioritize pillow talk.
While Introverts might especially prefer to wind down the day in silence, even they need communication to feel connected.
Too much silence between you can create a vacuum where your partner is left to assume your feelings and intentions, which has been shown to increase anxiety and volatility in relationships.
Silence is perceived as rejection, leaving your partner feeling alone and upset.
What to do to fix it: Communicating how you are feeling, asking your partner how their day was, and sharing news or stories of interest is an easy — but critical — way to keep conversations going.
5. Snuggle up or buy a smaller bed.
Oxytocin, dubbed the cuddle hormone, is a neuropeptide instrumental in promoting feelings of attachment, love, and trust.
Known to be a critical player in the chemistry of bonding, it is stimulated by touch.
With the proliferation of oversized beds and separate sleeping habits, many couples might lose that easy sense of closeness that touch delivers without even knowing it.
What to do to fix it: In what ways can you touch your partner more? Hugs, nuzzles, and simply touching a body part can do wonders for keeping your bond strong before bed.
6. Be honest when you're not in the mood for sex.
While sex is well known to be a relationship enhancer, unwanted sex is not.
Whether it's to avoid an argument or an attempt to go through the motions of keeping up the facade of a healthy relationship, agreeing to sex when you do not want or enjoy it can have the opposite effect on your relationship — wedging a divide where you feel alone and trapped.
What to do to fix it: Consider what ways can you be more honest about your intimacy needs and desires with compassion for yourself and your partner. Healthy intimacy begins with honesty and communication, and, in turn, strengthens your bond.
Bedtime is a time for winding down, but also connecting.
Small tweaks in your routines can make a big difference in keeping your relationship healthy and strong.
Looking for a bit more help managing your anxiety? Check out Dr. Clark's new book, Hack Your Anxiety, chock full of tried and true tips from the latest science, and years in the trenches.
YourTango may earn an affiliate commission if you buy something through links featured in this article.