10 Signs Your Marriage Is Making You Depressed

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young woman with curly hair looks depressed, leaning against a reflective wall
Heartbreak

Have you caught yourself questioning, "Is my marriage making me depressed?" There are ways to tell if you're suffering from situational depression that stems from relationship problems.

Depression can feel like you're under a perpetual dark cloud and cause you to feel in a blue or grumpy mood. You may feel heavy, tired, and without interest in activities you usually enjoy.

Depression also causes uncharacteristically negative thoughts about yourself, others and your future.

There are many causes of depression, and problem in your marriage or relationship can definitely be a reason you're experiencing situational depression. Depression can come from a disorder of power, or it can come from a message from someone you care about that wounds your self-regard.

If you are feeling powerless and/or hurt in a relationship, either in general or because of a particular event that happened, odds are high that depression will creep into your emotional state.

RELATED: 5 Steps To Balance Mental Health When Situational Depression Strikes

Below are 10 signs of situational depression caused by staying in toxic, emotionally abusive relationships. 

Instead of ignoring these red flags, consider what you can do differently to prevent them from knocking you down.​ And if you feel the depression is getting worse or need help or support, please reach out to friends, family members and/or professionals. It doesn't have to last forever.

Is it possible my marriage is making me depressed? Yes!

Yes, if these ten things are happening, it's entirely possible that your bad relationship or problems in your marriage are making you depressed — or at least contributing to your depression. These are general signs of an unhealthy relationship, so if you're seeing these but not depressed, you may still have reason to be concerned.

1. You feel dominated.

Depression can emerge when you feel smaller and less powerful than the person you're interacting with.

Not all power differences create depression. For instance, while a parent has most of the power in a healthy parent-child relationship, as long as the parent uses this power to nurture, rather than to dominate, over the child all will be well. Similarly, employers have more power than employees.

In love relationships between two adults, though, shared power is healthier than a one-up, one-down power imbalance.

2. You feel criticized.

"I don't like your hair that way." "You shouldn't have bought that new sweater."

Criticisms are put-downs. Feedback is a not problem, but criticism is.

Feedback lets you know in a gentle way that something you have been doing is problematic and it usually starts with an "I" statement: "I felt uncomfortable when I saw your new sweater because I'm worried about whether we're going to have enough money to cover our bills this month."

By contrast, critical words and a judgmental tone of voice make criticism problematic.

RELATED: 9 Signs Of Depression I Was Too Depressed To Notice

3. Your partner tells you what to do.

Bossy attitudes are demoralizing. Even a benign order like "Go get the paper for me, honey," is likely to trigger either irritation or depression in the receiver because no one likes being told what to do. That’s the pattern when two autonomous people work together as a team.

Depression stems from feeling like you have insufficient power. Being told what to do conveys that the other person is the boss and you are a servant. It's better to ask. Requests allow for yes or no as an answer.

4. Your partner tries to control you.

Controlling what you can do with your time, finances, friendship choices and how much you can visit your family: all these behaviors are likely to invite feelings of depression. Getting mad at you if you didn’t load the dishwasher his way, or left dishes on the counter-top are signs that your partner focuses on controlling you instead of being captain of his own ship.

Remember: depression is a disorder of power. When your partner takes away your power to make personal decisions (or at least to contribute jointly to decisions), depression is likely to be imminent.

5. Your partner is "always right."

It's fine for your loved one to be right, as long as he/she doesn't require being right all the time. If your partner's being right means that there's no ability to admit mistakes, that's a problem.

And if your partner being right means you are consistently wrong, look out.

RELATED: What To Do When A Traumatic Life Event Sends You Into A Spiral Of Depression

6. With your partner, it's "my way or the highway."

Listening is loving in a healthy relationship because of the opinions and concerns of both of you count. That's true whether you're wondering what to eat for dinner or deciding where to live.

If your voice gets dismissed, you'll be at risk of feeling powerless and depressed.

7. Your partner is depressed.

Depression is contagious. When someone is depressed, he/she tends to see the world — including you — through dark glasses.

If you adopt your partner's view, you'll sink down emotionally, too.

8. Your partner is irritable.

Irritability is low-intensity anger. Anger spreads toxic negative energy. This toxicity can induce depression in the receiver of anger.

Anger is disturbing and unpleasant to witness even for on-lookers. For direct recipients of anger, the toxicity is even more so.

9. Your partner is abusive.

As we've mentioned already, abuse can be expressed emotionally in a partner's critical and controlling attitude, verbally with name-calling or physically by pushing, throwing things, or hitting. All of these forms of abuse are incompatible with a loving relationship.

The impulse to hurt someone is the opposite of the impulse to love, nurture and be intimate.

Any form of putting you down can engender depression. Any form of appreciation adds to good feelings. It's pretty simple.

10. Your partner doesn't do his/her share.

A partner who takes an active role in the project of living and loving together is a joy to partner with. Whether he scrambles eggs for the two of you in the morning or scurries around with a quick clean-up before visitors arrive, helping is loving.

By contrast, a partner who does not do his part is passively provocative. The irritation or anger you will feel in response signals that you're not getting a full adult partner.

RELATED: 5 Important Things To Tell Your Doctor When You’re Struggling With Situational Depression

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Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is a Harvard-educated clinical psychologist, marriage counselor and author who helps clients to relieve negative emotions, enjoy personal well-being, and sustain loving relationships. She has published several books, and has been featured in Psychology Today, WebMD, TIME and more.