5 Things A Truly Good Guy Will Never Say To You

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Five Things A Truly Good Guy Will Never Say To You
Love, Self

How to know for sure he's not the one.

I’ll start with a confession. I’m not just a good guy. I’ve spent most of my life as a (dreaded) nice guy. 

Yeah, I was that one guy your father trusted you with, or even worse, who you trusted completely because I was so "safe". No danger when I asked you to the dance — you knew I wouldn't force you into anything and could assume I wasn't even going to try anything!

Then I turned 17 and things got a bit better. But over the years, I’ve done a lot of study on the difference between "nice guys" and "truly good guys" and the far greater difference between both of them and "jerks".

As a psychotherapist, I’ve heard story after story of men getting away with horrible behaviors, often with intelligent, powerful, and self-respecting women. Then of course, in this past year, we’ve all heard far more from the open bravery of the #MeToo movement.

But it’s one thing to know something’s afoot when a Harvey Weinstein steps out of the shower; it’s another to be on a date when what appears to be a great new guy says something questionable. 

RELATED: 15 Red Flags That Seem Like Perks When You First Start Dating Him

How can you tell whether he’s simply expressing something you wouldn't ("So I met my friends at Hooter’s last Friday…") or a sign you need to get out immediately ("I have twelve girls just like you locked in my basement.")?

And in today’s culturally diverse atmosphere, a line like "I believe in traditional marriage as Allah intended", "I don’t believe in kissing before we’re engaged", or "I’d love to tie you up blindfolded and take a rider’s crop to you" still won’t tell you whether or not he’s deep-down good.

But here are five giveaway lines that show he does not have the qualities of a good man. As that Louis Jordan song warned in 1947, "Look out, sister, look out!" 

Here are the 5 statements that men say that mean that he's not the sort you want in your arms or your bed (and most certainly not as the father of your kids):

1. He insults the waiter.

The first line isn't to you, but rather for you. There are numerous variations of this — condescending to the parking valet, or rudely refusing a street beggar — but restaurant waiters are the most common victims. In each case, your date shows off his position of power over someone by treating them as less than him.

Why is this a concern to you? Well, unless you’re Diana Prince, you know someday any boyfriend or husband will have some power over you in some situation. And this Clyde’s just shown you what treatment to expect.

But, you say, he’s likely just doing this out of insecurity, to impress you. Absolutely true — and you can expect that same insecurity to treat you horribly in the future. 

So if he tries this, best to take off as soon as you can. And if that waiter sees you do it, just know, you’ve made his night.

2. "You'll give me blue balls."

The old teenage put-on. "It’s cruel of you to not have sex with me when I’m eager for it. You’re causing me physical harm."

In case no one’s told you — that’s a lie. There’s no such thing as "blue balls" and while refusing a horny guy’s wishes might leave him frustrated, his symptoms will go down easily. 

But even jerks who don’t use this particular trope will find other excuses for why you must give them pleasure. Whereas that truly good guy will consider it his job to please you. And whether that means a polite kiss goodnight or a Christian Grey spank, you’ve got the right to tell him what you’d like.

3. He uses "the condom lines."

These include:

  • "Don’t worry, I’ll pull out."
  • "You’re too uptight."
  • "Don’t you want to feel close?"
  • "You won’t catch any disease from me."
  • "I’ve had a vasectomy."

You probably have heard at least one of these lines. But they all come (yes, I said that) down to one thought: "You shouldn't insist on me wearing a condom."

Now do you have any reason to believe that a guy who would use one of these lines would, oh, say, have been tested for STDs recently, or be willing to pay your medical bills if you got one from him, or pay for child support or an abortion if, yeah, that were to happen? 

Simply put, there is no reason why any man should ever expect a woman to allow condom-less sex unless you two are planning on parenting. Sure, she has the right to choose it, but that’s up to her.  Truly good guys don’t want you unprotected.

In fact, a truly great guy will refuse early unprotected sex even if you do want it; his own concerns show foresight and responsibility — not bad qualities in a boyfriend. 

RELATED: 5 Red Flags That Are Warnings He's Going To Waste Your Time

4. "Them or me?"

In any relationship, some conflict will show up between your new squeeze and others in your life. This can be painful, say, if your BFF just can’t stand being around your Mr. Right. 

But when your new romance gives you the big ultimatum — that you have to decide between them and someone else — take note. And if they do it about someone you’re committed to…be sure to thank them for making your choice easy.

Think of it this way: when you were a painful teen, did your family question whether to keep you or not? Has your Boston Terrier ever threatened to leave? Has your child ever demanded you pick between them and Grandma? 

So when that guy asks you to choose between him and your family, your pet, or your kid, your choice is simple: stay with the one who never asked you to make such a ridiculous decision. That’s the one that matters, and the one that deserves you.

5. "You had it coming."

Let’s face it, the most important quality you’re looking for in a guy is security. You want someone you can trust to keep you safe — and especially to not be a threat to you himself. 

Now if a man ever explodes at you in anger, but immediately shows great remorse and guilt about it, maybe he’s worth another chance. But if he says you deserved it, you are not safe. He’s making it clear he will do it again.

And even if he just talks about supporting any man hurting any woman, this isn't just a red flag — it’s a flashing red light with horns, bells, and sirens. 

Now am I saying you have to dump a great dude because he cheers on Sean Connery in his From Russia with Love battle with Lotte Lenya? Of course not! That’s defense against a murderous villain. But if he voices support for Connery’s reputed real-life statements in favor of wife-beating? Let him know that diamonds are forever but this romance ends now. 

And here's an extra one: not saying anything and just pushing you.

There may be one thing worse than anything a guy might say and that’s not saying anything, but pushing you somewhere you don’t want to go. Women have centuries of being told it’s wrong to speak up, to make waves, to say no. Well, #TimesUp.

It’s a new day. And no guy who tries to manipulate you — through words or silence — deserves you. So speak up. Let your date know what you want, and what you’d like. But even more so, let him know what you don’t. 

There’s nothing wrong with the gentleman leading the dance.  But if the lady says she doesn't want to be dipped and he dips you, leave him on the floor. Far better dancers await you along the ballroom edges and, most likely, they’ve been waiting all night for their chance to gallantly and politely take you for a turn on the floor.

And even if, like me, they may never be truly good dancers, at least they’re potentially truly good guys.

RELATED: If Your Guy Ever Does These 5 Things, Don't Marry Him

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Douglas Green is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Author. Learn more on his website.