7 Powerful Ways To Reignite Sexual Intimacy In Your Marriage

Bring love, passion and fun back to your sex life!

How To Improve Intimacy In Marriage & Have A Great Married Sex Life istock

Knowing how to deepen intimacy and have a great married sex life is about more than looking at how often you have sex. It's an emotional process of learning and exploration that requires both husband and wife to do some conscious work within their marriage.

As a certified clinical sexologist with more than a decade of experience helping couples rediscover sexual intimacy and enjoy sex in their marriages again in fun, playful, and loving ways, I've found that while anyone can have "hot sex", not everyone can have hot intimate sex — the kind of sex many of us refer to as "making love."


The exchange of intimate touching, kissing, hugging, and caressing are all parts of intimacy, but this doesn't only relate to sex. Rather, it extends to what goes on between partners outside of the bedroom, as well.

RELATED: 9 Sex Positions That Help You Fall In Love (Yes, Really!)


Men and women often view intimacy differently, thus creating problems within some marriages.

True intimacy in marriage is about husband and wife connecting through frequent intimate exchanges — kisses, hugs, intimate words, special looks, holding hands and even sitting next to each other watching television.

When couples gain a better understanding of how to create this intimacy inside and outside of the bedroom, they strengthen their marital bond overall.

Intimacy in marriage is that special relationship between a husband and a wife, and the love and passion they share with one another. Taking steps to put the intimacy back is a process, but one that is worth the effort.


Your marriage comes before anything else, and making time for it is a priority.

Couples must understand that finding quality time to spend with each other alone every week strengthens the bond of the marriage and make it special.

Start with the intimate exchange of face-touching, explained in detail below.

This exercise is about getting to know each other again on an intimate level, and it can bring about unexpected emotional exchanges many couples haven't felt in years.

Above all, remember that sex is not a duty in marriage, nor should it ever feel like one!

Here are 7 ways to deepen and improve intimacy in your marriage and have a great married sex life again.


1. Take turns initiating

This is the most effective way of working on the intimacy in the marriage. Each spouse is responsible for initiating the exercise equally, taking turns being in control of setting up the evening.

Start with the face-touching exercise, in which one spouse touches the other spouse's face, hair, lips, and ears. The person touching does this for their own pleasure, while the person being touched is the willing participant. There is no talking during the exercise.

After you complete the exercise, it is important to spend time talking about how it felt.

2. Plan two days with intimate touching

When I'm working with couples, we will talk about how the exchange in step one felt. I then recommend step two, where strong emotions are sometimes brought to the surface. It's good to seek help if you had strong emotions during step one, or were not able to complete the exercise.


Step two, which I refer to as home assignments, is to plan two days where one person is in charge and touching for their pleasure, while the other person is the willing participant. It's very important to take turns initiating these exercises.

Have your spouse lay on his or her stomach, naked with the back exposed. The spouse in charge is to touch the body with hands and lips, softly touching and getting to know the other person's body.

Important note: there should be no talking or touching between the legs; this is not sexual exercise.

Connect with your spouse when touching them by concentrating on how their skin, hair, muscles, and shape of body feel. When you finish the exercise, talk about it. Tell each other a positive thing you liked about it.


3. Create a date night

Intimate conversation between a man and a wife can have a very profound impact on the sexual excitement in the bedroom. As you do the face-touching exercise and then the back exercise, also set up a date night for the two of you to enjoy together.

Talk to one another about what you want to do to turn each other on, what pleases you, and how you can please your spouse. The point of this exercise is to create desire for one another and keep the passion going.

Intimacy between spouses is what each partner makes of it. It's both the husband and wife's responsibility to create intimate time for each other.

Marriage is about taking responsibility for what part each partner plays and how each will contribute to the relationship. There are reasons why spouses cheat, marriages end in divorce, and why one or both spouses forget intimacy with one another. Taking turns and not putting it on one spouse can save your marriage.


Keep the sex passionate in your marriage for a lifetime by taking the time to do these exercises.

RELATED: What Having Sex 2 Times A Day Does To Your Marriage (And Waistline!)

4. Increase sensual touching

After completing steps one and two, along with date night, you are ready for step four.

This is the exercise where you lay on your back with your stomach and front exposed. The same rules apply as before. Take turns with sensual touching (not sexual touching), remembering that the person touching is doing it for their pleasure. Again, you can use hands and lips while light-touching and caressing to get in touch with your spouse.


These exercises make you aware of your spouse's reaction when touching them, feeling the exchange of energy between the two of you. This is why it's important to talk about the experience after the exercise and tell your spouse what you liked.

Touch is an amazing way to connect with another person, and in many ways, is more effective than talking. You break down more walls of hurt and past pain than simply rehashing old feelings.

Always be mindful of your spouse when touching them. If you notice they are uncomfortable, stop and touch somewhere else; then, talk about the exchange after the exercise.

5. Slowly add sexual intimacy

You should only start step five if you complete the first four steps, you each have a better understanding of each other's bodies, and both spouses are ready to move forward. All the steps taken prior were to create intimacy; step five is to add in the sexual intimacy ... slowly.


The same rules apply where each partner takes turns initiating the assignment. Start off this assignment by kissing your spouse, feeling their lips, tasting them, and exchanging passionate kissing. Chemicals release during kissing and stimulates the mind to send powerful messages to the entire body.

After kissing your partner, put yourself in a sitting up position in the bed with the other spouse behind you. The spouse behind you is the one initiating the touch, a touch that should have a more sensual feel to it.

Start the touching and kissing at the top of the head, face, and neck, working down the body and softly caressing the chest or breasts, stomach, thighs, and legs. Take the time to feel the other person getting aroused, and listen to breathing, moaning, or even laughing.

When venturing between the legs (for both male and female), use gentle touch, taking time to explore in a soft, loving way. This is not about bringing the person to climax or turning it into a sexual experience.


If arousal and natural climax happens, it's fine, but it's not the purpose of the exercise. When the exercise is over talk about it with each other.

6. Explore each other's bodies with love

After completing the first five steps, you are now ready to move onto step six — exploring each other's bodies more intimately. Again, the rules still apply with taking turns and touching the other person for your pleasure.

This step is about stimulation and a greater understanding of your spouse's erotic zones. This exercise is not only about sensual touch, but teasing and having fun with your partner. Taking control of another person's sexual pleasure should also be exciting and pleasing to you.


Explore with fingers, mouth, or even body parts of the other person's body. Kiss the entire body, including genitals and breasts, taking time to touch and tease. Watch as your spouse (and you) becomes aroused.

In this step, you are also allowed to bring your partner to climax, but not through intercourse. You can do this by touching, sucking, licking, caressing, or even a sex toy.

7. Finally, you're ready for actual intercourse

After completing all steps above, with the same rules applying, you can now move towards intercourse if you are ready. Often, when I'm working with couples, they want to learn more once they achieve a better understanding of each other's bodies.

Taking turns with each other can become fun, creating a scene, role play, setting up the room, or preparing a special evening. The act of intercourse becomes less of the main event and more of the sex play.


When taking the time to make sex better in your marriage, it's always important to understand that this is your spouse—a person you love and committed to for life.

Sexual intimacy is a huge part of marriage and without it the marriage it will suffer. Take the time to work on the marriage and create a deeper, more loving bond between husband and wife.

RELATED: 3 Ways To Have Great Married Sex (Even When You're Struggling With Low Libido)

Dawn Michael is a relationship expert, AASECT certified sexuality counselor, certified clinical sexologist, sex educator, sex researcher, author, and public speaker. For more information, visit her website.