If Something Is Bothering You, Say It

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The Difficult Conversation ALL Couples Need To Have

Yes, the beginning parts of dating are wonderful. Love is fantastic. Walking around with butterflies in your stomach rocks.

Hearts above your head are fun. However, what are the signs that will inevitably show up when something starts to bother you, or your level of fulfillment with this person starts to decline and diminish?

Yes, you could just break up, but what if the solution to get things back on track is just having a quick discussion with your partner about something that is bothering you? Yes, this can be very nerve-racking because you don't want to rock the boat or make the person upset, right?

The reality is that having this difficult conversation is necessary because something is bothering you, and the honorable thing to do is for you and the other person to discuss it.

Besides, those issues usually don't go away until they are discussed and resolved. The feelings and thoughts tend to fester inside, and the only thing that usually goes away is you, and we certainly don't want that, if it can be prevented, right?

We are human and things will come up. My point is, how can you easily identify the signs and help you determine when to communicate these issues with your partner, so you can get back to the hearts over your head feeling?

(And by the way, the way that someone responds and is able to work through something with you is very telling, especially in the dating stage).

Here are the 3 ways to know if something bothering you that you need to discuss: 

  1. You are having a conversation in your own head about an issue over and over again. The voice in your head is getting louder and louder and not going away.
  2. The hearts over your head are dissolving quickly and turning into dark gray clouds. You're wondering if the grass is greener on the other side, and you have this burning desire to bolt and leave the situation because it may be easier than discussing it.
  3. You want more time by yourself rather than being with that person. You noticed there is a big elephant in the room that you are not talking about, and there is a lot of distance between the two of you.

Letting these things build up is the absolute worst thing you can do, and I know it is scary to discuss things, especially when the situation is new and fresh. But, if you are experiencing one of these situations, it's time to discuss an issue with your partner.

Here is a suggestion to help get the conversation started:

"I am a little scared to bring this up, but I have something on my mind that is starting to bother me. Can I discuss this with you when you have a minute? I am committed to an open style of communication with you. I am enjoying your company and it would be terrific if we can discuss this together and work through it. Are you open to that?"

This kind of opening is very safe, vulnerable, non-threatening and should bring the kind of response that you are looking for, "Sure, what's on your mind?"

And, let's face it, if the person get's upset and is not open to talking about it with you, ask yourself, "Is this the kind of partner that is good for me?

(Timing and tone of voice are important here. Texting is not recommended) 

It is very important to be able to discuss important topics and areas of concerns with someone you are seeing.

Remember to keep an eye on these three different types of signs so you can become aware of when it's time to discuss something with your partner in order to quickly get back to the butterflies, hearts over your head and fireworks.

Have you ever talked to someone and it didn't go well? What happened? How else can you position a conversation that you are a little afraid to have with someone? How did it go using this approach?

Suzanne Muller is a global Dating & Love Life Coach with a special talent for helping smart singles figure out the formula to having a tender, thoughtful, and healthy relationship. She is the author of Loveable: 21 Practices For Being In A Loving & Fulfilling Relationship and one of the co-authors of the international bestselling book, Sex Secrets to a Juicy Love Life.  

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This article was originally published at Reprinted with permission from the author.