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Change your perspective to change your outcome.
By Brad Browning — Written on Jul 01, 2020
Have you ever asked yourself, "Why does my spouse win every fight?"
While bickering is never fun, it can sometimes feel impossible to stop arguing when you're in a heated conversation or disagreement with your partner.
The option to simply "stop arguing" is rarely on the table when you don't know how to argue effectively or seem to always lose your cool.
In instances like this, it can often feel as though your spouse has "won" the argument — even though there aren't really "winners" in most arguments between couples.
But there are particular behaviors done in an argument that lead to feeling defeated. If you're tired of arguing and feeling like you've "lost" all the time as a result, then you need to know how to stop fighting and start communicating with your spouse.
Here are 6 reasons why your spouse seems to "win" every argument.
1. You lose your cool.
This is the biggest mistake people make in arguments. It’s important to be passionate and stick to your guns. It’s a mistake to raise your voice, throw a tantrum, punch a wall, or otherwise let your anger and frustration come to dominate the dispute.
When you lose your cool, the argument escalates and becomes more about your behavior than what initially started it.
When your temperature starts to rise, instead of raising your voice, lower it. Instead of speaking more quickly, slow yourself down. And don’t forget to count to 10 before saying something you might regret.
2. You’re focused on winning
Chances are, you care quite a bit about the fact that you never "win" the arguments. Going into a fight with this mindset means you’ve already lost.
I can't tell you how to win arguments with your spouse. I can only tell you that conflict doesn’t have to be negative.
The goal of conflict is not to defeat the other person, but to understand them and their feelings just a little bit more. If you make the effort to do this, you can both win.
Don’t let your argument make you callous and cruel. Always remind your partner that you love them, even while you’re arguing. Use this love to try to reach a consensus, rather than trying to dominate the discussion.
3. You bottle up your feelings.
I’ve said that you should avoid losing your cool in an argument. The same goes for the opposite — don’t bottle up your feelings and ignore them in hopes that they’ll go away. This creates a very negative cycle.
For one, you’re more likely to eventually blow your top. And when you do, you might say something you regret.
Even if you're a master of self-denial, you’re just sweeping problems under the rug, rather than dealing with them.
Now, you’re fighting about things you don’t even really care about because you’re unable or unwilling to face the real issues. This can only cause confusion, resentment, and hurt feelings for everybody.
Share your feelings using “I” statements. Say, “When you do ____, it makes me feel ____.” It may feel silly at first, but sharing your feelings is actually one of the more mature and difficult parts of communication.
4. You’re unwilling to compromise.
If you want to win at all costs, you’ve already lost. Remember that even if your argument is flawless and they have no comeback, you still have to go to bed with this person at the end of the day.
Scorched-earth arguments are fine online where everyone is anonymous, but when you use them against the people you care about, everybody loses.
Consider what outcome you and your partner both want. Try to find a middle ground where you both get a little of what you want, and neither of you feels forgotten.
This person is your partner, so you should want them to get what they want — even if it’s not necessarily what you want, right?
5. You take all the blame.
This is the other side of the same coin. Often, people will let their partner off the hook and take all the blame in order to get it over with and get back to normal. You’re not doing anyone a favor when you do this.
Your spouse needs to be held accountable for their side of an argument. If you always let them get away with murder and you end up apologizing, they’re going to lose respect for you. You’re going to lose respect for yourself.
Hold out for an apology from them if you feel it’s warranted. Take responsibility for your own actions, not theirs, and hold your head up high.
6. You won’t go to bed angry.
You’ve probably heard the advice, “Never go to bed angry.” I completely disagree with this, to be honest. There are times you should be willing to go to bed angry.
Don’t force a reconciliation when it hasn’t been earned. Stay with your anger for a while and explore it to see if it has anything more to tell you.
If you’re willing to go to bed angry, often you’ll wake up the next day and be able to face things with a clear head. Once you sleep off your anger, you'll be better able to communicate with your partner and reach a compromise.
Go to bed angry, so you can wake up in the morning and laugh about it, or in the very least, discuss it with a calm, clear, well-rested head.
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Brad Browning is a relationship coach and breakup expert from Vancouver, Canada. He has 10 years of experience working with couples to repair and improve relationships.