The 3 Real Reasons She's Uncomfortable Being Sexually Intimate With You

Reasons why women are uncomfortable with sexual intimacy. The answer to this question is not simple.

Women are complex. Therefore, wouldn’t the answer to this question be complex? My intention is to simplify this answer as much as possible and bring more clarity to the dilemma many are faced with in the bedroom.

Women are just as sexual as men. We are all sexual beings. Sex and sexual expression is a normal and healthy part of being human. Sex is about the uniting of energies, a coming together. 

Imagine being uncomfortable with sexual intimacy. That must be painful for a woman when she finds herself in such a situation, especially if it is with someone she dearly loves and cares for.

How many women are suffering from such a situation? Why is this happening? What can be done about it?

Sex and sexual intimacy, especially in a heterosexual union, means a coming together of opposites. A man’s body and sexual nature are quite different from a woman’s body and her sexual nature. Everyone’s sexuality is as unique as their fingerprint.

However, there are general differences between men and women when it comes to our sexuality and sexual needs.

There are many reasons why a woman would fear sexual intimacy. Here are three very common reasons:

1. We think something is wrong with us.

According to sex therapists, the number one complaint that women say regarding their body and their sexuality is that they believe there is something wrong with them. When I found out about this, I felt extremely sad.

Unless you have a medical issue, the idea that there is something wrong with you and your sexuality is the furthest thing from the truth. I believe a woman’s sexuality is just the opposite. A woman’s sexuality is all that is right in the world.

When a woman looks at her sexuality with a high level of self-respect and reverence, she operates in a completely different manner in her intimate relationships.

She owns her sexual nature and claims it has her own. She isn’t apologetic about who she is as a sexual being and knows that her unique sexual nature is a special part of her personal expression.

Society's definition of a woman's body is false.

She has come to this conclusion because she has educated herself about her body and her sexuality and has confirmed what she suspected all along… that societies definitions of a woman’s body and her sexuality are false. She unequivocally knows not to buy into societal beliefs that confuse or disempower her and her relationship with her body.

Instead, she chooses to continue her own personal inquiry to discover the unique and special mysteries her sexuality holds for her. Through this personal inquiry, she has learned how to feel comfortable in her body.

If you do not do your own personal inquiry through education and support and feel that there is something wrong with you, it will cripple you in the bedroom. It cuts you off from your ability to open up when you are busy being self-critical, confused, or always wondering if how you are isn’t the way you are supposed to be.

It stops you dead in your tracks and puts a wall between you and the world of intimacy, connection, and pleasure.

I want you to know that your sexuality is as unique as your fingerprint. It is perfect, whole, and complete just the way it is.

2. We can't get you out of our head.

Besides women thinking there is something wrong with us, we also have a mind that won’t stop. Our minds are busy!

An overactive mind during a sexual encounter will make a woman inhibited and uncomfortable with sexual intimacy. The sex act for her becomes a thinking experience instead of a feeling experience.

Women’s minds are different than men’s. On a biological level, we have more connective tissue between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. You know how they talk about a man having a one-track mind? It's true.

Women, on the other hand, have six tracks. We have more tracks that need to slow down to experience pleasure in the bedroom.

You might wonder what I mean by getting out of your mind or slowing down those tracks.

Let me give you an example: If you are in the bedroom having sex with your partner and you are thinking of the laundry or afraid the kids might come in, then you are in your head and not in your body. Maybe you are thinking to yourself, "Do I look good?" instead of having an experience of feeling good, then you are in your head.

The sex act is one of sharing your body, your whole body, not just your head. If you can’t slow down your mind and be in your body then you will definitely have a hard time feeling comfortable with sexual intimacy. And you will miss out on a whole lot of pleasure! 

3. We had a past of sexual abuse.

In writing an article about why women feel uncomfortable with sexual intimacy, I couldn’t exclude the subject of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is an extremely sad phenomenon in our society and more common than most people know.

If you have been sexually abused, I don't have a one-stop shop solution for you. I believe overall, as a culture, we are all healing sexually and raising our capacity to feel comfortable sharing our bodies with another.

A history of sexual abuse definitely hinders a woman’s ability to feel comfortable sexually and establish true intimacy with another.

If you were a little innocent girl and had to deal with an adult becoming sexual with you, that imprint is there with you for life. You can love it into wholeness. However, the imprint it created will never go away. It is part of you. A sexually abused woman needs lots of love.

These past experiences can easily block a woman’s ability to trust. It can also cloak her authentic sexual expression. Instead, she may have learned how to use her sexuality as a tool to get things. Things like safety, security, and attention.

Sexual intimacy is just that… intimate.

Sexual agendas or sexual favors where a woman uses her sexuality to get things in the material world is not conducive to intimacy. She can engage in disembodied sex. However, truly connecting with another on an intimate, vulnerable level, due to her past trauma, can be scary for her. And she may or may not consciously realize this.

Being sexual with another, in essence, is an extremely vulnerable act. It is the closest you can come to another on a physical, spiritual and emotional level. This amount of closeness requires an environment or container that is safe.

For many, the sex act is going through the motions of getting each other off. If you want to feel truly comfortable with sexual intimacy, it requires trust, safety, and mutual respect. It requires communication, caring and a deep sense of consideration. It requires presence, conscious touch and a sincere interest to form a connection.

The act of sexual abuse trespasses all of these concepts.

If sexual abuse is part of your personal history, please be gentle with yourself. You are probably suffering from sexual shame and it is holding you back from connecting with another authentically. The shame must be healed.

It is healed through forgiveness and shedding light and compassion on the part of you that is stuck in the past. Seek the support and sexual healing you need in order to free yourself from this past trauma. It is important for you to know that this experience what not your fault. 

Also, if you have never shared what happened, it is crucially important that you do. Keeping it a secret is keeping it in the dark. Find personal or professional people with whom you can share what happened. Make sure that who you choose to share this with will give you the compassion and support you need.

Love heals. Do what it takes to love yourself back into wholeness and to replace the innocence that was taken from you.

Why women feel uncomfortable with sexual intimacy should be more accurately stated as: Why should women feel comfortable with sexual intimacy?

When a woman is socialized to feel something is wrong with her sexuality, think about looking good instead of feeling good, and has been sexually abused, it is no wonder she doesn’t feel comfortable with sexual intimacy.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg!

Sexual intimacy is a life-long and deep, personal journey. Learning to feel uninhibited and able to love openly and freely in a way that empowers you is what we are here to learn. It isn’t an over-night process.

Freeing ourselves from our inhibitions and limiting beliefs takes education, commitment, and time.

It takes unlearning old ways and learning new ways. It takes rewiring your lifestyle and your relationship with your body to one that is more loving. It requires learning a whole new way of living and love — one that is more respectful, sacred, and honoring.

Anna-Thea is a certified Spiritual Sexual Educator and gives women a new, more empowering perspective on what it means to be a woman in our society.