What Not To Hide If You Want To Attract A Great Man
Make him recognize the prize you are.
Zeynep İrmak, Bluberries | Canva She is an amazing woman. She is mid-50s. An accomplished therapist and yoga teacher. Well-read. Wise. Funny. Urbane.
Yet when she came to me for a coaching session about her online communication with men, she said that all she was attracting online were mediocre men. Not the leaders she desired. Not the strong capable men she was sure were out there in New York.
She couldn’t understand why she was getting that response. It didn’t take long for me to see what she was doing, and suddenly, it all made sense to her. She “hid” exactly what she wanted from a man — and hid what would most likely catch the attention of a high-quality man.
I will give you two examples so you don’t make the same mistake.
Here's what not to hide if you want to attract a great man:
1. Don't hide the “character” of the man you want to attract
One of the first things I teach women is to be sure to write to the “character” of the man they want rather than toss out mere “characteristics.” A shared love of tennis or walking on the beach is nice — but you are not filtering out the great men from the mediocre.
If you want to attract a truly great man, you need to specify the character elements you require. Whether it's leadership, respect in his community, true to his word, community service — whatever is most important to you.
Here’s an example. Couch your description in terms of admiration or appreciation and respect (these are triggers for male attraction to women).
- “I especially admire a man who does volunteer work in his community.”
- “I find nothing sexier than a man with a reputation for honesty and authenticity.”
Raise the bar! And the lesser men will back away, while the better men step forward.
2. Don't hide your physical self
The big news here, men respond to images of women. Yet, my coaching client, a yoga instructor, didn’t use any photos of her doing yoga, so I asked her why she left those out, and she said, “I didn’t want to intimidate the reader.”
I wanted to jump through the phone, look her in the eyes, and say, “I want you to intimidate them if they're the kind of man who gets intimidated by a strong, accomplished woman! You don’t want that guy anyway. You want the man who not only desires a woman like you but is deserving of a woman like you.”
Shunevych Serhii via Shutterstock
Online dating can be a funny place if you treat it as a broad net being cast. The goal is not to get hundreds of responses from mediocre potential partners. The goal is to attract a few responses from extraordinary potential partners.
The only way to do that is to communicate how wonderful it would be for a man to have you in his life, to call for the truly great men by describing in detail the character of the man you respect and admire, and to stand for your excellence. Not with hubris, not with undue pride. But stand with grace, so he can recognize the prize you are.
Adam Gilad is an Emmy-nominated producer and award-winning writer.