Photo: Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash
Weddings never outweigh bodily autonomy.
By Alexandra Blogier — Written on Jan 28, 2023
Weddings are a time for celebration with family and friends, a moment to gather together in the name of love and commitment.
But sometimes, wedding planning goes a step too far, as it did for one woman and her three long-haired daughters.
The mom questioned whether she was in the wrong for refusing to cut her daughters' waist and knee-length hair for a wedding.
Reddit user NiorNightingale explained on the subreddit r/AmITheA–hole that her sister-in-law is getting married within the month, and her in-laws are paying for the wedding.
She noted that their financial contribution has led her mother-in-law to think “she has the right to dictate everything.”
“She tried to pull this when my husband, Seb, and I got married, but we refused her money,” the woman added for context.
The woman went on to say that her three daughters, aged 12, 9, and 6, are part of the upcoming wedding.
She also noted that her mother-in-law originally didn’t want her two oldest daughters to be in the wedding, “as they aren’t Seb’s children, but [her] sister-in-law wanted them” to be involved.
Conflict within the family arose surrounding the three young girls’ hairstyles for the wedding day.
The girls’ mom mentioned that her 12-year-old’s hair “reaches her knees as she rarely gets haircuts” and both her 9-year-old and 6-year-old have waist-length hair.
Her mother-in-law hates that the girls’ hair is long. She wants to get their hair cut for the wedding day.
“As she is paying for everything, including bridesmaid hair, she wants the girls to have their hair cut to shoulder length,” the mom-of-three said, specifying that her mother-in-law thinks that shoulder length hair “is too long but thinks it is a compromise.”
But she and her husband, Seb, refused to allow the girls’ grandma to cut their hair, “as it's not something they want; they like having long hair.”
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Her mother-in-law threatened to kick the girls out of the wedding party if they don’t consent to the girls getting their hair cut short.
Her sister-in-law claimed that they were “trying to ruin her wedding by refusing” to cut the girls’ hair.
Seb told his mother and sister to “drop the subject,” informing them that if they don’t let the issue go, they’ll attend the event as guests, rather than members of the wedding party.
The family saga continued, even after the woman’s husband set a clear and firm boundary with his mom and sister.
She reported that her 12-year-old daughter let them know that her grandma sent her a message “to convince her to agree to getting her hair cut.”
“It was a very aggressively-written message, blaming me for this issue and calling me controlling,” the mom stated.
Her mother-in-law essentially threatened her daughter, telling the young girl that “if she wanted to be a part of the wedding, then she needs to learn to do as she is told.”
As a result of that message, Seb told his mother and sister that they won’t attend the wedding at all.
The woman’s sister-in-law complained on social media that she and her daughters “are trying to ruin her wedding over a little hair trim.”
“I really do feel this was a step too far for me,” the woman stated, while also wondering if she was an a–hole for refusing to cut her daughters’ hair.
She was voted not-the-a–hole.
As one commenter said, she was solely “respecting her daughters' wishes and protecting them from people who are trying to force them to do something they don't want to do.”
“Tell your kids that their feelings and choices about their own body matter more than the opinion of others,” noted another commenter.
Many Reddit users suggested that she block her mother-in-law on her daughters’ devices, as “she is not a safe person.”
Another user noted that letting anyone who isn’t a parent or guardian control their appearance would be “infringing on their sense of bodily autonomy.”
The original poster came back to the thread to explain her position further, saying “I don’t feel any doubt for standing up for what my daughters want. I didn't get bodily autonomy growing up and it left some nasty marks on me that I don't want to pass down to them.”
One commenter commended her for the “invaluable life lesson” she taught her daughters.
“They will know that they can say no, even to family, when they are requesting they do something that’s uncomfortable or not something they want.”
Another user agreed, presenting the argument that “nothing, not a thing, gives you the right to determine the physical autonomy of another human being.”
No wedding day aesthetic is as important as teaching children they have control over their own bodies.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers celebrity gossip, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.