Sex

Stop Having Sex When You're Not In The Mood

Photo: NotarYES / shutterstock
couple upset on bed

By The Bedroom Blog

Have you ever had sex with someone and felt like crap about it once it’s over or even weeks after? Well, that’s the definition of sex regret. And it’s not just single people who can have it.

In the moment, you want to have sex with that person. And as you’re doing it, it’s fulfilling (or just OK). But the more you think about it later, you ask yourself, “Why did I even do that?”

RELATED: 7 Surprising (And Seductive) Ways To Instantly Get In The Mood

Did you feel pressured? Were you in a dry spell and just wanted to get it in and scratch the itch? Did you want to be spontaneous? Was it the good old-fashioned drunk goggles? Maybe you just went with the flow? Did you feel obligated to do it?

We’ve all been there.

The most important thing to realize is that you shouldn’t feel ashamed for having consensual sex with someone.

However, if you’re unsure in the moment, you need to really dive deep as to why you’re having not-100% consensual sex.

Let’s be real: There’s a real double standard when it comes to sex that’s frustrating as hell. If you have too much sex, you’re a slut. But if you don’t have enough, you’re a prude. You just can’t win.

While having the so-called "obligatory sex" from time to time won’t harm you too much, doing so continuously can be damaging. A lot of people have admitted to having sex with their romantic partners because they felt they needed to — whether it was because they viewed it as a kind gesture, wanted to shut them up, or because their partner kept asking and made them feel guilty.

The chances are that you, as the reader, may have experienced one of those scenarios at least once in your lifetime.

Having sex when you just don’t want to can bring up emotions at different times. It may not hit you the next morning or as soon as it’s done, but it’ll come out eventually.

You could start resenting that person for making you feel guilty or forced to please them. You could even feel disconnected from that person or even your own body.

Sometimes it’s hard to recognize what you’re experiencing or even realize that the repetitive pattern of having obligatory sex isn’t normal. It’s like we don’t see what we’re doing as harmful to our mental and physical health in the long run.

RELATED: How I Started Saying No To Sex I Didn't Really Want To Have

I used to have a running joke with my friends about not counting sex with the people that were a not-so-good one-time hookup. But nine times out of ten, I couldn’t stop thinking about how sick to my stomach it made me know I let that person f*** me.

But I found it easier to say yes and move along than to stand my ground and say no. I simply didn’t want to hear the constant begging or have them see me as uncool. (Little did they know, I’m a sex enthusiast.)

All that changed for me when I really looked at my reasoning as to why I was saying yes.

Sure, there were a few drunken times when I wasn’t thinking clearly and just wanted to have sex for the sake of having sex with someone I was attracted to. Those I don’t regret because I really wanted them in that moment.

But I regret caving into partners or even casual dates when they’d beg, but I just wasn’t in the mood.

After identifying what experiences I was okay with and reflecting on how each scenario was different, I came to the conclusion that it’s easier for me to say no by communicating it from the start and being vocal about it in a nice way.

And the moment they’d start to beg, I’d walk away.

In our culture and society, it’s easy for women, in particular, to feel the need to fall into a submissive role and go with the flow out of fear of being considered a stick in the mud.

It’s as if we have to handle everyone else’s ego with gentle hands and do whatever we can to keep them happy. But the real question is: Why aren’t we doing that for ourselves?

If you don’t feel emotionally or sexually compatible with the person you’re on a date or chatting with, don’t go home with them. If you feel like having sex with your romantic partner is a chore, reconsider your relationship and see if it’s something you can fix.

Regardless of your relationship status, if you don’t want to have sex in that moment, then don’t have sex. It’s okay to say no. And if the other party involved has a problem with that, it’s time to find a new one.

RELATED: Why Your Wife Doesn't Want To Have Sex (Even Though She Loves You)

The Bedroom Blog writes on the topics of sex, sexuality, intimacy, and relationships. Read more on their author profile on Unwritten.

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This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.