Why You'd Hate Yourself If You Knew What Was Going On In My Head

Photo: Just Life / shutterstock
upset woman with a man bugging her

By Liss Schultz

Looking down at my chipped nail polish, I start to silently pick at the rest of my nails, watching as the paint chips off in little flakes. Minutes go by where I focus on where all the pieces landed on the floor, and I just stare.

Fading in and out of reality, zoning in on nothing but everything at the same time.

I’m dragged back to reality by your voice, asking me what I was thinking about.

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“I don’t know. Nothing.”

“Tell me what goes on inside that head of yours.”

I want to f*** other people. I want to be able to do my own thing and not worry about getting yelled at by you. I want to be able to talk to other people if I want. I’m an adult, I can do whatever I want.

You make everything miserable, you make my life difficult to enjoy. I’m not going to keep trying if you don’t try to put effort into it.

You know you are going to have to grow up sooner or later. I don’t know why I’m wasting my time on someone who cheats on me. I used to love spending time with you, and now I don’t think I do.

Talking to my ex for 15 minutes made me question if I actually want to continue this relationship with you. What they were saying to me made a lot of sense.

You really need to control your anger and learn not to speak when you are mad. It makes you look two-faced and like a huge a*****e. You turn everything around on me like it’s my fault.

Every time we talk on the phone I’m convinced you’re with someone else because you’re so shady. Don’t f***ing play me and take my love for a joke.

You cheating is so foul, disgusting, and completely degrading to me. I’m so glad I straightened my act out and caught you red-handed with a sober brain and an hour of sleep.

Give me a f***ing break. I don’t need you in my life, I can get anyone I want. I’ll find someone better than you.

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If you ever tell me you don’t love me again or change into another person instantly, I promise you I won’t be worried if you are cheating or anything. I will literally erase you from my life and future.

F*** our future, f*** the ring that we talked about. I’d rather be suffocating on my own than with you. My life would be so much better if you weren’t in it, and I honestly wish I never met you.

I have real problems with my life and don’t need you adding more to it. You know you are going to have to grow up sooner or later.

And you're f***ing crazy.

*snaps fingers* “Did you hear me?”

“Sorry, what?”

“I asked what goes on inside your head.”

“Oh, nothing...”

I sit there smiling sheepishly as I recall only a handful of the nasty things you’ve said to me over the span of our relationship.

I will never tell you what actually goes on in my head, because the truth is, you wouldn’t want to hear it.

So, from now on anytime you ask I’ll just smile and say “nothing,” while I continue picking at the nail polish on my fingernails.

And for future reference, you shouldn’t ask questions you don’t want to know the honest answers to.

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Melissa Schultz is the former head editor and senior writer for Unwritten. She focuses on topics about family, motherhood, relationships, and wellness.

This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.