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Improve your sex life by focusing on your individuality
By Kevin Lankes — Written on Apr 13, 2021
Bath Sheva Marcus wants you to know that sex doesn’t have to suck. The “Queen of Vibrators” and “Orthodox Sex Guru” has come out with a new points system that aims to bring the power of individuality back to your love life. It’s all explained in detail in her new book, “Sex Points: Reclaim Your Sex Life with the Revolutionary Multi-Point System.”
With four categories to fill from arousal, desire, orgasm, and pain, women can figure out for themselves which elements are missing from their own personal circumstances, and how to fix it. Things like medication you might be on, the overall stress in your life, body image, and childcare, can all affect the way you approach your sex life.
Marcus created a 32-question quiz for the book. Each answer falls into her four quadrants and scores your results based on her formula for individual satisfaction. The idea is to get to a place where your specific needs are recognized, rather than falling prey to the external needs and pressures of your partner, or those of the myriad distractions in your life.
The point system is a new way to shift the focus back to you.
Marcus was inspired by systems that other medical professionals use to evaluate clients. And she was exhausted by women who wanted a “fix” for their sex lives.
“Like it’s a light switch,” Marcus told Insider. “And I say, ‘Don’t think about that. That is not a good model.”
Instead, Marcus says you should be making practical choices about the factors in your life that keep you from having a satisfying sex life.
If this sounds too difficult and the idea stresses you out already, know that you’re definitely not alone.
There are several types of genuine issues that might get in the way of pleasurable sex, or the ability to have sex at all. Called sexual dysfunction, both women and men can be affected for similar and very different reasons.
Things like pain, hormones, lack of desire, or lack of arousal can all cause issues in a woman’s sex drive over time.
The race to orgasm that motivates most men isn’t the same for women, and striving for orgasm even when your body is fighting against it is never the right approach. Sometimes, painful orgasms can occur, known as dysorgasmia. Someone can also be led to experience shame from the fact that orgasms are rare or missing completely. But sex is about pleasure, not the finish line.
Many women experience pain during intercourse as well, called dyspareunia. It can come in multiple forms from separate causes like infections, pelvic inflammatory disease, vaginismus, endometriosis, or other conditions.
Dyspareunia is insanely common. Three quarters of women in the U.S. have reported suffering from it at least once in their lives. It’s such a widespread condition, but is often not discussed out of shame or self-judgment, or pushed aside by the medical community itself.
Even though women make up half the population, female healthcare has been decidedly lacking. Male bias in the medical community has led to a wide gap in the infrastructure that should be present to support women’s issues, but has never caught up to the male equivalent. Because of this, women are often misdiagnosed or dismissed altogether.
Because most medical studies in the past historically made use of male subjects, or were conducted by men, we’ve ended up with a system where all of the classical advice about health and aging is centered around male physiology. This presents multiple problems for women, from having their pain mislabeled as psychological, to missing signs of significant and life-threatening conditions.
As a brief example, research into erectile dysfunction in men has occurred five times as often as premenstrual syndrome. Erectile dysfunction affects just 19% of men. 90% of women are affected by premenstrual syndrome.
We’ve left half of our human population in the realm of medical mysteries. When it comes to health and sex, there’s a lot of catching up to do.
Women like Dr. Marcus want to empower you to embrace the elements that you can control. Bringing pleasure back into your sex life by shifting your own perspective as well as the external factors you have influence over might seem obvious from the outside, but it takes a great deal of confidence and pushback that might feel uncomfortable to some.
Many women are afraid of disappointing their partners, being seen as undesirable or prudish. Combined with the lack of sexual empowerment and health information about female bodies, there are several obstacles to overcome.
Acceptance is important. And it begins with the self. Finding a partner who understands and sympathizes can help. But putting yourself first to make that happen is a necessary step in the process. Using formulas like the new point system can be a great way to get started.
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Kevin Lankes, MFA, is an editor and author. His fiction and nonfiction have appeared in Here Comes Everyone, Pigeon Pages, Owl Hollow Press, The Huffington Post, The Riverdale Press, and more.